Garbled Code
by 1Thunderfire
Summary: Found yourself in an unexplainable pickle? Managed to die in an unnatural way? Well, you have probably uncovered a glitch and this series is based on the various glitches that you may uncover in Mario games. Random situations, rated T for profanities.
1. The Questionable Goombas

**Good day, readers! This series is based on the fascinating glitches that you find in some games and there is plenty of material in the Mario games. You can find many of them on YouTube so research was easy enough. Some of these are activated by Action Replay codes only though AND I DISAPPROVE OF CHEATING! However, this one was funny to watch so I hope you enjoy it as well.**

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**1. The Questionable Goombas**

Mario, hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, sighed with utmost relief as he leapt off the boat at Rogueport Docks, glad to finally be out of the way of the Captain's constant moaning and whining about petty things such as the weather, the state of his boat, etc.

Armed with his trusty hammer, Mario wandered away from the boat and was thinking about what Princess Peach had given him earlier; a tatty, old, weathered map. He had been expecting something a bit more promising but this looked only half-completed and what use was a treasure map when it didn't have a path to X marks the spot? Mario decided that when he finally met with her, he would ask for something that he really wanted; and it wasn't going to be another damn cake either.

There was a screech from the other end of the docks near to the stairs that Mario would have taken to get into the town itself. He noticed a bunch of weirdos who looked like they had come from outer space congregating around what appeared to be a single, pretty-looking Goomba. She was muttering something about a treasure map and they were pressing her for more information about it and if she didn't comply, they would take 'the firebrand back to their fortress'.

As a hero, Mario was surely expected to do something about this commotion. But the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom didn't actually get round to doing anything despite having much more health and Flower Points than was legally possible. He passed a grizzled Bob-omb sailor who nudged him and muttered: "Aye, best not let yourself get mixed up with that lot, eh?" Mario nodded and simply strolled upwards as if he hadn't a care in the world until he reached the stony wall at the end of the docks. Normally, he wouldn't have been able to jump that high in a million years; that business was best left to his brother. However, he jumped up as if floating to a small ledge and then up onto the higher ground _even though he didn't actually possess Ultra Boots! _Who knew? A dim bandit assumed that he must have taken some drugs to get that high.

Leaving the problem that was definitely not his behind, Mario walked into for what is lacking in a better phrase, the town centre. He expected to see Peach standing there like a radiant goddess so pleased with his arrival or whatever or even Toadsworth striding over to him ranting about his lateness which Mario had no control over or even to tell him that the Princess had been kidnapped yet again. It wasn't exactly unusual; it was almost like a hobby. However, he saw neither of them there which in the case of Toadsworth, was an advantage. How queer.

Mario decided to explore a little as he waited for the not-really-shocking-news and headed eastwards where he came across a rather interesting pipe whose access was blocked by a gate. Mario considered what he would need to do in order to get to the pipe even though he really could have just burned it down with a fireball and nobody would have batted an eye. Probably.

"Hey, you there!" cried a guard holding a very sharp-looking spear. "This here turf belongs to the Robbos and there ain't nobody getting past unless I gets paid, see? Ten coins to pass, you know."

Normally, Mario could have just stomped this figure to the ground simply due to his impertinence but Mario didn't mind paying this time. He gave the happy guard ten shining coins out of his 999 coins and when he walked past the gate; he still had 999 coins in his pockets funnily enough.

With another floating jump, Mario vaulted over the wall and landed on top of the pipe. Feeling rather pleased with himself, as if he had cheated some great gaming god out of the story he liked to weave, Mario entered the pipe.

He then found himself underneath Rogueport, presumably in some kind of ruins. He turned around and saw an ancient, bespectacled Goomba staring back at him who shrugged and said, "Don't look at me like that, sonny. I don't know how the hell I ended up down here."

"Why are you following me?"

The Goomba, who introduced himself as Professor Frankly simply looked at the map in Mario's hand. "I was also expecting to see a student of mine with you; she was supposed to meet you as Merluvee said so in her fortune-telling. Have you seen her by any chance?"

Mario thought back to the strange marauders interrogating a young Goomba girl over Crystal Stars and other such nonsense. "Nope," he replied.

They had only got a few paces when a voice suddenly called out to them: "Hey! Hey, man! What's up? Who's the hottie you got there with you?" Professor Frankly looked at Mario and said, "Is he talking about me?" Mario just raised an eyebrow.

Another Goomba, a Spiky Goomba and a Paragoomba greeted them with laughter, sauntering about as if they owned the place. "Wassup, baby?" cried the Paragoomba. "Why don't you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!"

As this comment was directed not to Mario but to his companion, Professor Frankly, the old Goomba was quite frankly, worried. "What in the blazes?" he muttered. "They are clearly addled!"

"Man, what's a FINE-lookin' Goomba doin' with a tubby moustache man like that?" Mario was deeply insulted, especially as he had been on a diet recently. What he wanted to say was: _"Oh my god, you are completely gay which under the given circumstances might not be a bad thing but this guy here clearly isn't and in any case, he's far too old for you. Bloody hell, do you need glasses?" _what actually came out of his mouth was: "No messages. [English.]" He stared blankly into the distance. What the f-?

"Ouch! That was cold!" said the Paragoomba, clearly stung. "What, you're too good for us? Come off it, sister!"

"Nobody zings us like that!" snapped the Spiky Goomba. "Nobody! Let's get 'em!"

"I didn't even say anything…" muttered Professor Frankly as Mario stood there completely stunned before the Goombas launched themselves at the pair.

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Back at the fortress, Goombella sighed; she was so sure that somebody would have rescued her. It just showed what a terrible dive Rogueport was. _Well,_ she decided. _If I'm going to be staying here for some time, I may as well be comfortable._

"Hey, guys!" she called out to the two X-Naut Guards. "How about we have a nice chat together? You know, get to know each other a bit more intimately."

The X-Nauts screamed and ran out of the room with Goombella shouting after them: "I meant as friends! Jeez, what did you think I meant?"

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**This occurs in the Prologue of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door and requires AR to skip getting Goombella as your partner which is daft seeing as she is very useful indeed. Hope you liked the first instalment!**


	2. Snack Attack

**This one involves our good old friend Yoshi along with Baby Mario but let's pretend that Yoshi is telepathic and can understand what Baby Mario is saying for the sake of the story, OK?**

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**2. Snack Attack**

"Oh, stars above," moaned the purple Yoshi as he walked along the flowery hill up in the mountains. "I'm so hungry… I haven't had anything to eat for a t least half an hour and I'm STARVING!"

"Sheesh," said Baby Mario who was perched on the Yoshi's back. "You ate two of those Chubby Guys a little while back. What are you? Some kind of Kirby?"

"Shut up," snapped Yoshi. "I'm a lot better than any Kirby; we're helping you aren't we? And if you can manage to stay quiet for the rest of this journey, maybe I'll find some Yoshi Cookies for the both of us."

"Oh, yes, that's brilliant," sighed Baby Mario. "I haven't even got teeth yet! Am I supposed to suck on it?"

"You're really ungrateful you know that?"

The pair continued on the beaten path for some time in relative silence except that the purple Yoshi kept muttering under his breath on various occasions about needing food. Baby Mario stared at the pretty clouds floating by; one of them looked like a Yoshi that was doing its flutter jump. Yoshi came to the edge of the hill and scanned the area as to determine which platform to jump on next. He was also finding the squawks of the Goonies in the background bloody irritating. He gazed upwards and saw one of them flapping about in a pathetic kind of way; Yoshi smiled; this would be easy prey. Goonies were said to be very delicious and although he hadn't had the actual taste described to him yet, it probably tasted like chicken.

Yoshi was so intent on eyeing up his dinner that he didn't notice a wayward Goonie flapping towards him not watching where it was going. It zoomed straight into Yoshi with a mighty slam sending both of them careering back down the hill and Baby Mario was thrown off his back. Yoshi picked himself up and vented his rage at the misdirected Goonie.

"Why don't you watch where you are going you air-hog?" Yoshi screeched. "Sky isn't big enough for you or are you just a complete idiot?"

"Ooh, look, it's a stupid-looking reptilian that's male but actually has the colour of a girl!" sneered the bird. "What are you going to do to me? I'm so-"

The Goonie was rudely interrupted by the purple Yoshi licking up the Goonie and swallowing it whole. He licked his lips and sighed with some sort of relief.

"Purple's a good enough colour for a male anyway," said the Yoshi to himself. "Anyway, we better keep moving little brat, er- I mean little human."

He suddenly noticed that Baby Mario wasn't actually on his back any more and was instead floating about in the air in some sort of protective bubble crying as loud as possible.

"Oh, for crying out loud…" Yoshi muttered.

He tried to reach Baby Mario with the sole intention of getting him to shut up but he was just too far out of reach. He realised that the little protective stars that he had been picking up along the way were vanishing one by one and Yoshi was starting to panic. He had 5… 4…. 3…. 2… 1…

He heard some rather over the top cackling as a group of Toadies swooped down and attempted to grab Baby Mario for themselves. Yoshi swore that they were grinning at him so he leapt up with a powerful flutter jump and shouted: "Oh, no, you don't!" Yoshi snatched Baby Mario from their grasp and felt joyous for approximately half a second when he landed on a Morph Bubble.

"Oh, bugger," muttered Yoshi under his breath. "I do not want to become a helicopter at this moment in time!"

Yoshi experienced an other-worldly moment as he watched his body transform from the shape he knew and loved into a pretty nifty helicopter job. He was quite amused with the propeller and chuckled to himself. He looked up and realised that because he didn't actually have any stars left, the Toadies were still trying to grab the baby even though he was supposed to be immune while Yoshi was transformed! Acting on instinct, Yoshi tried to swallow the Toadies except that he didn't have his usual tongue while in helicopter-mode so he opened up a bag of ten protective stars and saw the Toadies fly away as if the stars were deadly to them in some way or another. Yoshi laughed out loud and buzzed about the skies, enjoying flying about while it lasted, provided that no more Goonies flew into him, accidently on purpose of course. Finally, the temporary transformation finished and the purple Yoshi reverted back to his normal form.

"Aww, I like being a helicopter. Oh, well, I can get high again later. Wait, WHAT AM I SAYING? Anyway…"

Again, Baby Mario wasn't on his back although he hadn't been carted off by the Toadies either. Instead, he was suspended in midair waiting for Yoshi to bring him down. Yoshi was getting very annoyed by now and his stomach was still growling.

"You've left me up here all on my own and I'm never going to get down now! WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Yoshi, at this point, could only think of one solution to get him down and it would also kill two Goonies with one stone. So he screamed: "That does it! That absolutely does it! You know what I said about the Yoshi Cookies? WELL, FORGET IT BECAUSE I'M GOING TO EAT YOU!"

Yoshi gulped down Baby Mario in fell swoop and turned him into an egg. He sat down satisfied that his cravings had been satiated and there was no more whining. But then, a gigantic Goonie suddenly came out of nowhere and it was heading straight for Yoshi! Yoshi stood up and aimed his first egg which hit the bird right on the beak. He then threw his other two eggs that whacked the Goonie and it made it pop out of existence.

Yoshi did a celebratory jig. "Oh, yes! You don't mess with the Yo'ster! How do you like those eggs? Uh-huh!"

Yoshi was very pleased with himself until he realised what he had done.

"Oh, _crap_…"

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**The best place to see this glitch (where you can eat Baby Mario) is on World 5-5, Goonie rides! By the way, this doesn't happen on the GBA version as I've tested it. Thanks for reading!**


	3. The Curious Case of the Shadow

**The jury is out on whether this is a glitch or just the way the camera is on Luigi's Mansion. Either way, I think it is quite creepy. Check it out on YouTube for further details. Also, the bit where the Poltergust 3000 bursts into flames was a beta element of the game. Hope you enjoy it! P.S I love this game although I wish it was longer…**

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**3. The Curious Case of the Shadow**

Luigi trembled as he made his way upwards towards the second floor, his breath crystallised upon very contact with the cold air. He clutched the light he had in his hand for reassurance and slowly made his way up. There didn't seem to be anything about at the moment and the only sounds he could hear was that of the frequent striking lightning and his own footsteps disturbing the dust beneath him. He hummed a familiar tune to himself, the sound of it bounced off the walls, resonating into the silence. And still nothing came. Luigi let out a shaky sigh of relief.

"There d-d-doesn't seem to b-be anything about. I guess that must have been the last of them."

Two seconds later, Luigi charged into the Safari Room and slammed the door behind him just as the Elemental Ghosts tried to grab him again. They screeched at Luigi, infuriated by the fire that he had shot at them and they were now baying for his blood. The door rattled violently several times as they tried to break past the temporary defence but Luigi kept his weight against the door, fortunate that his physical strength was enough to keep three non-physical, corporeal forms from entering the room. Although they were ghosts, their grip seemed real enough to him. Luigi shuddered as he felt a sudden horrible chill pass through his body; sure that one of the ghosts had managed to poke a hand through the door and was searching for his presence. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, the ghosts left him and spirited away although it was a long time before their cackling voices eventually vanished too.

Luigi closed his eyes and seriously considered bolting from the place; he was just too scared. But then, he would have to avoid all the other ghosts wandering about just to get back to the entrance. And Mario… the image of his brother down in the Secret Altar flashed in his mind; he couldn't leave his brother trapped in that painting with King Boo forever mocking him. No… he had a moral duty to rescue his brother and Luigi was going to do whatever it took to get his brother back.

Realising that the door to the next room, whatever it may have been, was locked, Luigi summoned up his courage and prepared to face the onslaught of the ghosts he expected to get the key from. And sure enough, when he was examining the trophies on the wall, he was suddenly set upon by some water-based ghosts and some regular ghosts all wanting to beat him up.

"And Mario wonders why in the hell I'm scared of ghosts," Luigi muttered to himself as he switched the Poltergust 3000's settings to expel ice that froze the ghosts in their tracks. He saw them weaken under the freezing ice cave before the ice shattered and they approached him again, this time slower than before. They didn't have much chance or strength to react as Luigi sucked two up at once with his formidable weapon. However, one of them sneaked up behind him and whacked Luigi with a deft ghostly punch. Luigi yelped as he was thrown into the nearest wall and picked himself up shaking as the remaining ghost bared its teeth and stared at him with ferocious yellow eyes.

"C-come on now, Luigi," he said to himself. "You can do this."

Just as the ghost lunged at him, Luigi switched on the light which caused the ghost to rear back; startled by the nasty brightness. Luigi struggled to vacuum up the enraged ghost as it tried to flee, putting up quite a fight but he finally managed to capture it shortly before the Poltergust 3000 burst into flames burning Luigi forcing him to roll about on the floor to put it out. It seemed that it had overheated…

Luigi picked up the key that one of the ghosts had dropped and unlocked the door that led to a small, dark hallway. Luigi sighed; obviously there was going to be ghosts in his section. It would be foolish to not expect any. Wishing to avoid conflict, he scurried down the corridor as fast as he could with a heavy machine upon his back and just managed to avoid the bowling ball of the Bowling Ghost ahead of him. It presented no problems in being sucked up as it was so weak. Luigi then entered the room at the end of the hallway finding that it was actually open.

This wasn't lit either but he couldn't see or feel the presence of a spectral nature. Nevertheless, he cautiously moved forward, vacuum at the ready should any more ghosts be ready to attack him. Luigi gazed at his surroundings, thinking that if the whole Mansion was cleared of ghosts and the place had a major clearing, it would actually be quite a nice place to live in. Thinking to himself, Luigi cast his torch over everything just to be on the safe side and jumped when he thought that he saw a new black spectre. But it was only his shadow, dynamically cast onto the armchair. Luigi laughed nervously to himself; it was only his shadow after all.

Everything seemed quiet… too quiet…

Luigi nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the telephone ring suddenly, breaking the ominous silence of the Telephone Room up in the Attic. He slowly removed his hand from his heart as the telephone kept on ringing. Luigi couldn't help thinking that he would have to answer it despite the possible chance that the caller was just scaring him again; it could have been King Boo himself! Luigi picked up the phone somewhat shakily and let the person on the other end answer.

"…He-Hello? … May I ask who is speaking… please?"

It was only Toad! Luigi almost chuckled although quite why on earth Toad was ringing here of all places he had no idea. Who was he expecting to answer? Luigi was considering whether he should say it was him or be cruel and say it was Bowser just to see how Toad would react when lightning flashed again and something caught Luigi's eye. He looked at the wall and the lightning flashed again, showing the shadow of a figure hanging, suspended from the ceiling.

It seemed to be similarly shaped to him…

Luigi gulped and turned away from the shadow and answered Toad truthfully much to the little fellow's relief.

Of course, that wasn't his figure cast against the wall, a message as to what the Boos wanted to do to him and soon for they were never that subtle. Luigi must have been imagining things; there was no way that it was him, it was only his shadow.

Wasn't it?


	4. Encountering Hoohooros

**Next up, we have the rather intriguing Hoohooros glitch from Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga which is probably my most favourite of games. You have to be unlucky to encounter this one…**

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**4. Encountering Hoohooros**

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay…" Luigi muttered to himself as he and Mario climbed further up Hoohoo Mountain. He was a little way ahead of his brother as Mario dragged himself up, gasping for breath due to his arduous trek. Luigi looked back and rolled his eyes upon seeing Mario sprawled out on the ground needing a quick break. Honestly, those hammers weren't going to make themselves without the appropriate rocks for them. Luigi was irritated by the lack of available hammers on the journey already; surely those two dumb Hammer Bros. had a couple of spares in the back? That, to him, was sloppy businessman-ship.

"Wh-what is it, L-Luigi?" Mario panted from the ground. Luigi sighed.

"I thought you said and I quote: 'I really need to go on a diet because I'm such a fat tub of lard?'"

"Bugger off!" snapped Mario. "Wario said that, not me!"

"Really?" said Luigi lightly. "You could have fooled me."

Mario got up at last and felt the urgent need to punch something, thinking that it would not be such a good idea to attack his brother at this stage; they would need to work together in order to get to the top of Hoohoo Mountain after all. Instead, Mario walked over to him wishing that he had a hammer in his possession at this moment in time and then he suddenly spotted what Luigi was staring at.

"Luigi, the freaking statue is moving," he stated.

"Don't you think I've already noticed that?" said Luigi still keeping his eye on the object.

"I mean it wouldn't be unusual for a statue to move; there are plenty of reasons why a statue might move but I mean-"

"Mario."

"That thing looks like it's breathing and that is freaky because it's actually made out of rock, I mean, look at it Luigi, isn't it made out of rock?"

"Mario."

"Of course, I've seen wooden puppets come to life, fought against some king made out of crystal, you weren't with me for that one, have an ongoing rivalry with a giant fire-breathing, spiky-shelled turtle and-"

"MARIO!" Luigi screamed. "I know all about it but the statue is staring at me and it hasn't even got proper eyes!"

Mario looked at the statue more closely then chuckled to himself. "You know, I hadn't actually noticed that."

Luigi fell flat on his face and groaned. Mario scanned the area behind the slightly creepy statue that sat in a small area of Hoohoo Mountain and saw that the platform ahead was just too high to jump even with Luigi's high jump; a new skill that he had picked up earlier along with Mario's Spin Jump. He loved that move; he really loved that move since it involved Luigi having to carry him. Yeah, it was a good move. Mario then decided to approach the strange Hoohoo statue but Luigi suddenly grabbed him.

"What do you think you are doing, bro?" asked Luigi. "You don't know how dangerous it could be!"

"It'll be fine, Luigi!" said Mario. "You worry too much, you know that? Anyway, we won't know until we try it."

Luigi followed his arms and looked disapprovingly at Mario. "Just because you think I'm a coward, there is still no need to charge recklessly into an unknown situation without thinking about what to do first and then it would be your fault that you got... eaten up by this thing or whatever before we actually had some sort of plan up our sleeves. If being some big, brave, strong hero means that you lose out on a large chunk of brain power, I'll take cowardice thanks."

"I never said you were a coward. Since when did I say you were a coward?"

"The other day when I got dragged on Bowser's Koopa Cruiser no thanks to you."

"Why you little sh-"

"Ah, Travellers," intoned the Hoohoo Statue thankfully putting an end to an argument that would have shortly exploded into something a lot more violent. Mario and Luigi stopped glowering at each other and brought their attention to it instead. "I am Hoohooros. The ancient weapon of the Hoohoo Civilisation."

"And you were just going to waltz right up to it..." muttered Luigi under his breath.

"Beyond this point, the path grows even crueller. You must prove yourselves up to the challenge... (Mario puffed himself up somewhat importantly.) Dare you try this challenge?"

"Yes!" said Mario before Luigi had a chance to put a word in edgeways. "We'd love too!"

"Really?" said Luigi drily.

The two brothers then got up onto the platforms upon Hoohooros's command; Luigi still felt uneasy in its presence though. They were then informed that they would have to collect these Hoohoo Spirits before a certain amount of time was up and they were not allowed to fall off the platforms. Now the only way to achieve this was to utilise the Spin Jump; something Luigi wasn't all that keen on.

"Mario! Watch where you're putting your feet! Ow, no not there! Damn it! You're killing me here!"

"I'll kill you in a moment if you don't stop complaining!" grumbled Mario as he readjusted himself on Luigi's shoulders before he declared himself ready. Needless to say, the challenge was pathetically easy for them and they completed it in mere seconds. Hoohooros looked rather pleased with them which for a statue with an immovable face, is rather difficult to do.

"Now for your next challenge..." it rumbled. "YOU MUST DEFEAT ME!"

"I blame you for this," said Luigi as Hoohooros went under the earth and popped back out again looking decidedly more solid and deadly.

"What did I do?" snapped Mario as the Hoohoo weapon brought up two pillars from the earth and craftily hid itself under one of them. "Now look, where did it go?" Mario jumped on the right pillar making it collapse but it did not reveal their opponent. A bright beam shot out of the remaining pillar catching Mario in the leg.

"Yeowch! It burns!" he cried. Luigi laughed then mentioned about using the Bounce Bros. technique.

"I just made that thing crumble with one jump," said Mario. "You don't need such a move."

"Hey, I'm not as strong as you," Luigi replied. "And anyway, I love that move. So please?"

Mario shrugged and let Luigi vault from his hands before rushing forwards and leaping upwards to join with Luigi from underneath before they both turned upside down and Luigi forcibly smacked the pillar with his head. They landed in their original positions and Luigi suddenly felt dizzy due to the impact. Hoohooros was now uncovered and it moved over to let another pillar grow in its place. It caught its breath for a moment after it moved. However, it was not keen on being ignored by the brothers as they suddenly started conversing.

"What are you thinking about, bro?" Luigi asked as Mario adopted a ponderous pose. He then suddenly had a light-bulb moment.

"Hey, Luigi. I've just had an idea on how to advance your move! You see if we do this... and then we do this... and then this bit..."

Luigi grinned and punched the air. "Oh, yeah!"

"I do not appreciate being ignored!" Hoohooros cried out suddenly. "I've just made this bloody pillar and you aren't even attacking me! And you're just standing there looking oh so mighty and haughty! Come to think of it, I should have killed you then while you were talking. That absolutely does it; nobody ever appreciates me, GAME FREEZE!"

The whole world suddenly froze for a split second with the awesome might of the all-powerful, life-affecting move although the brothers didn't even notice it. Then they tried to move again but to their horror, they seemed paralysed not physically but mentally.

"What the hell?" Mario yelled. "I can't attack!"

"I can't move towards Hoohooros, look I'm still moving in my battle stance," said Luigi. "But I can't attack either. I knew something bad was going to happen! Now what are we going to do?"

"Heh, heh, heh," Mario cackled. "But it looks like Hoohooros can't move either." Hoohooros was about to launch a terribly destructive blast attack that it had not been programmed to do in the first place when it realised that Mario was indeed correct and that it could no longer move either.

"Oh, fudge."

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**When you advance the Bros. move at the same time Hoohooros moves after creating another pillar in place of the one you've destroyed, the game sort of freezes although they all move in their battle stances. It's weird and like I said, unlucky.**


	5. Wario: Master of Cheating!

**This one is a Mario Kart 64 glitch on DK's Jungle Parkway although to find in Time Trial Mode, you'd have to use a certain cheat but don't ask me for it because I don't know as I'm not a cheater unlike Wario. P.S Please sing the song to the tune of the original Pokémon cartoon song.**

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**5. Wario: Master of Cheating!**

"I'm gonna get that blasted Special Cup and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get it!"

Such were the words of Wario's mantra as he busied himself to the task of cleaning his kart and making it his pride and joy although what he really wanted to have when they did the next tournament was something much classier, much cooler, much more _Wario._ He envisioned a long, purple vehicle with his trademark sitting at the front and the car would gleam from every side, so much that he would have to wear sunglasses just to look at the thing and that equalled instant coolness. And those goddamn Mario Brothers would be dazzled by its shininess and then hopefully crash and burn by the side of the road. Wario wanted a car like that; it would be an awesome car and the only thing more awesome than it would be himself of course. But at the moment he was stuck with a poxy kart…

Wario kicked it moodily before sitting inside it and pulling out his list of what he was to do today. Near the top of the list to acquire vast amounts of two specific items that he would need while testing out his well-formulated strategy: Stars and Boos. He patted his pockets just to be on the safe side and smiled knowing that they were there and they had been so easy to pick up. Those dumb-ass Koopas pretty much let him stroll by when he told a little lie and said that he needed to pick them up and take them to where the item boxes were held. They didn't even ask for identification. Never had being so awesome felt so good.

Wario reversed out of his mini garage and was ready to zoom off in the distance when a certain tall figure blocked him. Wario slammed on the brakes and spun out of control and was almost thrown out of his kart into a dirty puddle. He was very angry; if he had wanted to run someone over, he wanted to do so on _his_ terms only. Then he saw who it was and wished that he hadn't put on the brakes. But then that would have meant a dent in his kart and rubbish as it was compared to his dream car; he wasn't parting with his baby just yet.

"Bloody hellfire, Luigi!" he shouted furiously. "Have you got a death wish or something? Next time, give me prior warning so I can try and run you over again some other time!"

"Wario, what exactly was you doing in the Item Warehouse earlier today?" asked Luigi coolly, his eyes narrowing with contempt. He shoved his hands in his pockets as Wario became tight-lipped. "You didn't think anybody was watching you but I happened to catch you sneaking in like a low-life thief. If you have to resort to such dirty tricks in order to win, then you don't belong in this competition."

"Hah! And just who are you going to tell exactly?" sneered Wario. "You just remember your words while you sit crying in last place while I shove the trophy up your nose!"

Luigi almost laughed. "Is that the best you can do?"

"Why, you bastard!"

Wario tried to run him over this time but Luigi easily leapt out of the way having the advantage of speed over the fat man. Wario thumped the steering wheel with rage before muttering some curses under your breath.

"Go wash your mouth out with soap!" said Luigi, disgusted.

Wario merely stuck out his tongue in way of a reply before speeding off down the road yelling: "WARIOS RULE! MARIOS DROOL! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Luigi scratched his head as he wondered what in the heck Wario meant when referring to himself in plural. Shrugging, he walked away to his own garage mumbling to himself; "Wario's gonna cop it…"

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Wario zoomed down the tarmac in a hurry to get to his destination. It was a shame knowing that he probably wouldn't be able to use the Boos as an item in the next karting tournament because they were apparently going to bring one in as an actual competitor. Wario scoffed at such a thought; how in the hell could a Boo be able to drive a kart? They didn't even have feet! Shaking his head, Wario continued on his way and began to sing a song to himself about how awesome he really was.

_**I**__ wanna be the very best_

_Like no-one ever was._

_To be awesome is my real test! To thrash them is my cause!_

_I'll travel across the land,_

_Searching far and wide._

_For opponents to beat and crush _

_I take it in my stride! _

_**Wario!**__ You're the best of them all!_

_(Oh, yes it's true.)_

_I know it's my destiny!_

_Wario! Ohhhh, you're so cool_

_And everyone else does drool! _

_**Wario!**__ You're the best of them all!_

_(Oh, yes it's true!)_

_Oh, yes you've gotta rule!_

_You bow to me and I teach you_

_About the Wario! _

_**Wario!**__ You're the best of them all!_

_**Wario! **_

Wario chuckled to himself feeling very good. He then saw that he had arrived at Toad's Turnpike, one of the tracks that he had raced along in the Flower Cup. There were still loads of traffic belting past as well but the starting line was also still there. Selecting a star first of all, Wario suddenly became invincible! He pelted through the traffic, laughing manically as he came to no harm when passing through the massive lorries. This was very good; he had wanted to test that just in case. Wario then did a U-turn n the middle of a heavy junction causing everybody to beep on their horns. Wario ignored then and got back to the starting line before doing the same thing again with a Boo. He went through them with ease.

Wario was happy to see that his little cheating items had worked and so he drove off to his next destination just to make doubly sure that they worked in another track. This time, Wario ended up on the Kalimari Desert track and sweltered under the raging heat of the sun. But he had a job to do so he drove to the spot where the train track was and waited for the N64 Express to come shooting by. Sure enough, it came along very quickly. Normally, it would seriously wipe out any driver stupid enough to try and race on ahead; kart versus giant, speeding locomotive was always a short match. But again, Wario activated the star and the train went straight through him like a ghost (like a Boo even) and Wario cackled with delight when the same thing happened again with his Boo item as the next train came along. He tried his awesome strategy at several different locations and on a side note, decided that he may as well attempt a time trial while he was at it.

One of the last tracks on Wario's list was DK's Jungle Raceway. Wario rather liked it here; it looked like a good place to find treasure so he added it on his list for later. He lined himself up at the starting line and noticed the Clipper slowly chugging along the river. This gave Wario an idea. _Hmm, would it be possible for me to launch myself onto that clipper with a star or Boo, bounce off the clipper and cut a massive chunk of track off? I have loads of these things anyway. Hell, yeah, that is an awesome plan! Wario, you're a genius._

Thinking this would be a sure fire way to win one of the tracks in the Special Cup, Wario shot off like a bullet aided by his star. He launched himself onto the clipper, thinking that it would be a piece of cake to land on the thing. However, as soon as he touched the clipper, he was catapulted off its surface and he plunged into the cold water head first.

"What the f*** happened then?" snarled Wario as a Lakitu pulled him out of the water with his trusty fishing rod. "That doesn't bloody happen to the Great Wario! I'm gonna do it again!"

"Temper, temper," tutted Lakitu. "What on earth are you doing anyway?"

"Shut up and put me down."

Wario slammed on the accelerator and raced forwards, this time using the Boo item thinking that this would definitely work. He'd be invisible after all, duh.

"Oh, yes! I'm the Champ-WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Whoops," said Lakitu as Wario bounded off the side and cracked his skull. "That's one for the A & E."

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Wario woke up in hospital and groaned not only with pain but knowing that his master plan of winning the Special Cup had failed. He was not very amused to see Lakitu in front of him waving cheerily.

"Hi, Wario!" he said happily. "Do you know that you've been out of traction for about a week and a bit? You did yourself something bad there and you've missed the entire competition! They had to bring in a replacement."

"So… who won?" Wario asked. "I bet it was Mario." Wario had placed a bet earlier the other week that if he didn't win due to some mishap (like this one…) or cheating on someone else's part, he reckoned that his rival would win. He went into the bookies in disguise to do that then placed himself as the obvious winner in another.

"Nope!" said Lakitu. "It was Luigi! He absolutely nailed it, oh, he was so awesome! A true champ you know and he's getting all the attention from the lovely ladies and oh, I'm jealous but he was brilliant, he really was!"

Wario lay there with an eyelid twitching.

"Oh, yeah. And he asked me to pass a message onto you."

"What is it?" Wario growled, unable to believe the victory.

"Cheaters never prosper!"

Wario began to sob.

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**The clipper acts as a wall so you bounce off rather than going through it like the train or the trucks. But you can't get a star/Boo in normal time trials anyway. Ciao!**


	6. InvinciBoo!

**This is another possible Luigi's Mansion glitch; the uploader wasn't entirely sure whether it was one or not. Oh, well, as long as it makes a good story...**

**P.S E. Gadd says bugger in the game. It's true; read his guide to catching ghosts in the library. Sorry, had to point that one out.**

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**6. InvinciBoo!**

The only sound Luigi could hear in what he thought was his sleep was the continuous rumble of thunder and the bright flashes of lightning that preceded them. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked, finding himself on the dusty floor before he suddenly remembered where he was and what he had to do. _How in the heck did I end up here?_ he thought as he realised that he had been asleep in the corridor past the Foyer door. _There could have been ghosts here while I was asleep! _Fortunately for Luigi, the lights above him were still switched on so no ghost had passed his way and he had been relatively safe.

He groaned as he sat upright; his head pounding horribly and his body shaking all over with the cold. There barely seemed to be a scrap of warmth in this dark and freezing Mansion and Luigi was forced to set one of the trick doors alight with the fire that came shooting out of his Poltergust 3000 to try and generate some heat. He gave a small smile as he let the glorious warmth wash over him as if he had been submerged in a hot, soapy bubble bath. The heat didn't last long however and the door quickly burned away out of existence.

Luigi shook his head and struggled onto his feet, feeling guilty that he had slept on the job while his brother was still trapped inside that painting; the one that King Boo loved admiring and laughing manically at. He cursed the ghostly monarch under his breath and set off to explore the Mansion once more.

Luigi switched the torch on as he headed up the stairs to the second floor, looking warily about him just in case some spectre tried to jump out at him. He checked above his head too which was a sensible precaution to take although he had quite forgotten about underneath his feet which only seemed to be the wooden staircase.

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" Luigi screamed as without warning; a group of Skeleton Ghosts unexpectedly grabbed him by the ankles from underneath the floor; knocking Luigi off his feet and making him crack the back of his head hard on the floor before surrounding him in a circle. They cackled as they saw the human before them cower and tremble on the ground; they enjoyed the fact that he was utterly terrified by their appearance and so they were very glad to move out of the garden for a while.

Luigi couldn't move out of the way fast enough as one of the Skeleton Ghosts lunged at him baring its sharp fangs and rattling its bones as it passed straight through his body; he also saw the red gleam of the ghost's eyes rush towards him before passing through as well. The others did the same terrible action, seriously weakening Luigi as he felt the violent rush of cold and evil strike him in his heart; as if the very essence of his life had been snatched away. Luigi shone the light at them but to no effect; they were quite unlike the other Common ghosts; they did not show their hearts nearly as easily.

They began taunting him and Luigi was sure that he could hear their spectral voices ringing inside his head; calling him a coward, a weakling, a pathetic mortal, a waste of a human being. They all threw extra large bones at him, laughing as they did so. Luigi at first assumed, that they would also pass through him. He avoided three of them but the other two gave him nasty bleeding gashes in his sides. Ignoring his pain, Luigi shone the light at them again; this time with success as they quickly began to rebuild themselves but they were vulnerable at this point and all of them were stunned. Luigi battled to suck up two of them at once with his Poltergust 3000 and soon enough, they succumbed to defeat. He decided to freeze the rest of the ghosts with the power of his newly-claimed Ice Elemental Medal.

Then, they too were defeated by Luigi and the staircase was once again empty although Luigi had taken quite a hit. He struggled to take deep breaths and pressed a hand against his burning wounds, flinching as he did so. He felt the mists of unconsciousness descend but he angrily pressed onwards and entered the first room at the top of the stairs. "I can't let that one little thing stop me," he muttered to himself. "I've gotta save Mario!"

Luigi found himself in the Tea Room again; the room in which he had claimed the Ice Elemental Medal. He was about to walk out again when he noticed that the Boo Radar on top of his Game Boy Horror had started flashing. If he caught this one, that it would make it a total of 14 of the 50 Boos captured so far. Luigi crept along the carpet, waiting for the flashes of the Boo Radar turn from yellow to red. Sure enough, it did so in a few seconds and Luigi tried to suck the little blighter out in the open.

He heard a cackling from within the tablecloth and much to Luigi's annoyance, his Poltergust 3000 got stuck to the tablecloth and try as he might, it wouldn't come out of the machine until he accidentally sucked up a little floating Ice Elemental Spirit that came out of the bucket of ice. His Boo Radar slipped down to yellow again, indicating that the Boo had sneakily moved to another part of the room without his noticing. Luigi moved to the other side of the table and tried to force the Boo to reveal itself again and this time, he saw a quick flash and the Boo was out in the open. This one was called Mr. Boojangles.

"What did I do?" he screeched before floating about the room just out of Luigi's reach as if they were both playing some sort of game.

"You know perfectly well what you did!" Luigi snarled. "You lot kidnapped my brother!"

Luigi switched on the Poltergust 3000 again looking more determined than before and the Boo screeched again as its health was quickly being depleted by the continuous force of the machine on Luigi's back. Luigi was really whaling on it and its health had dropped a considerable amount in a short space of time.

"Please don't do this to me!" sobbed the Boo although it winked at Luigi with a nasty gleam in its eye. "I'm really innocent, it was everybody else's fault, they all ganged up on me and made me join them!"

"Oh, boohoo," snapped Luigi. "Just let me get a tissue, I'm about to cry, how very moving!"

The Boo zipped about the room, trying to break free but Luigi kept close to it although he got tangled up in the tablecloth again making him curse but at least Mr. Boojangles' health was still dropping like a stone. This battle was almost over...

But then, Mr. Boojangles managed to wrench itself free out of the Poltergust 3000's grasp and it decided to play silly buggers with Luigi as would everybody else. Luigi gaped at it for a moment, he was absolutely sure that the Boo was supposed to have no health left.

"Catch me if you can!"" he said before flying through the Tea Room's cupboard. Luigi sighed as this meant that he was going to be led on a wild goose chase and the ghosts would be watching him as he chased after this damn Boo. Luigi tore down the corridor managing to avoid the overhanging ghosts that occasionally dropped bombs on his head and thankfully did not touch the miniature ghosts that came out of the painting and exploded on contact. He entered the room that he saw sure the Boo had fled to.

As Luigi closed the door behind him, he noticed the chair by the basket of woollen balls rocking back and forth seemingly by itself. Curious, he brought up his Game Boy Horror and saw a dear old Granny of a ghost peaceably doing some knitting in typical granny fashion. She probably wasn't as sweet as she looked...

Luigi's attention was drawn to Mr. Boojangles when he swooped down and pulled off his beloved hat.

"Don't you dare go back that way," whispered Luigi as he pulled his hat back on, referring to the Tea Room from before. Mr. Boojangles stuck out his tongue at Luigi when he tried to suck up the Boo but for some reason, it wasn't moving into the Poltergust 3000.

"Mamma mia," Luigi muttered to himself as the Boo kept dodging him. "Why isn't it going in?"

Luigi ended up in the corridor again with Mr. Boojangles constantly poking fun at him and laughing at the fact that he wasn't actually being pulled inside that infernal machine. Luigi wished that he could have the light on at the same time as vacuuming...

_Hold on,_ he thought. _I could weaken it in the Tea Room and the lights were on in there but I'm out here and it's dark and I can't damn well suck up the Boo. Is it invincible in the dark?_

Mr. Boojangles rushed away from him again forcing Luigi to give chase.

_I bet it is. That's the only explanation I can think of. Well... let's see if I can get it back into the light..._

And so Luigi ran after the Boo as fast as he could, still wincing with pain, hoping that this long, wearisome night would be able to end soon enough.


	7. The Joke Battle at Joke's End

**Hi, people! This is another glitch from Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga; it is one of my most favourite games ever! This one takes place in Joke's End in the battle with Jojora...**

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**7. The Joke Battle at Joke's End**

"M-M-Mamma mia..." Luigi shivered visibly on the spot, his teeth chattered violently and he held himself tight to try and retain some warmth. He was still freezing even after the long, arduous trek they had to take in order to get to the very top floor of Joke's End whilst Mario had managed to get red, rosy cheeks. He slumped to the icy floor and mumbled something about not being able to feel his toes.

"Hey, are you OK, bro?" asked Mario, concerned. He'd have thought that Luigi would have been toasty after the sudden onslaught of those strange Glurp thingies they had encountered earlier, especially the ones that complained that they were hungry and actually tried to _eat_ them. Mario sat down next to his brother and lit up a fireball for the comfort of them both.

"Th-Thanks, Mario," Luigi stuttered as he curled up near the red flames. He sighed with relief as the glorious warmth of it reached him. He then looked ahead and saw that they were thankfully at the top of Joke's End now and they only had to get through this room in order to get to where the Beanstar was being held probably. _Thank the bloody stars for that,_ he thought happily.

"Better?" Mario asked in typical older-brotherly fashion. Luigi nodded and let his head drift to the ground. He felt so tired; they had practically been doing battles every 5 seconds and running ragged from top to bottom and bottom to top to open whatever gates or doors needed opening and searching out items that they depended on in battle. Luigi checked his pockets and found that they were running low on syrups again. Not that he was too concerned about this; their BP was full anyway and besides, he was getting absolutely sick of syrup; it felt as if his teeth had been rubbed with sandpaper.

Luigi curled up and used Mario's lap as a pillow without even realising it and closed his eyes, ready just to sleep the whole day away. Mario tousled his brother's hair and judging by his lack of reaction; it seemed that Luigi had already dropped off.

Mario considered two options concerning his sleeping brother: _Now should I be nice and let Luigi have some rest? After all, he's been carrying me with that awesome Spin Jump thing and that heavy barrel just so we could get some items and we have done some trekking today. Or should I be nasty and wake him up for the hell of it? We've got to save the Princess after all. Or actually, thinking about it, should I get some shut-eye myself?_

Now which option do you think Mario chose?

"YEOWCH!" Luigi yelped as Mario pulled back one of his overall straps really far and let it go with a resounding twang. Luigi threw himself off and leapt up onto his feet. "What on earth was that for you bastard? And here I thought you were being nice to me!"

"Sorry, Luigi," said Mario with not a trace of apology on his face. "But we've got to keep on moving; the Princess is only just ahead and she wouldn't appreciate us sleeping on the job!"

"But I'm shattered!" Luigi groaned. "And for once in our entire lives, can't she avoid being kidnapped just the once?"

Mario couldn't disagree on that one but they weren't that far from the end now as he could tell from their location on the map. Luigi walked on ahead, shook his head and walked back.

"Well, we can hardly spin jump over that one, Mario!" he said and this was true; the gap between the platform they were standing on and the next one was just too far. Mario punched an exclamation block above his head and saw a bridge momentarily appear between the gaps but it went away again too fast for them to be able to run across it. Mario had an idea...

"Oh, please no," said Luigi when he realised what his brother was thinking.

"Well have you got any better ideas, genius?" Mario snapped. "You've shocked me enough times anyway; it's about time I got my comeuppance!"

"Ooh, believe me bro," said Luigi narrowing his eyes. "I'm not through with it yet."

"Yeah, whatever, now you hit the block, walk over there and then I can set fire to you."

"Marvellous plan," Luigi muttered but he had to oblige. He yelped as Mario set the back of his overalls alight and he dashed forwards much faster than he would normally be able to. Of course, the fire would also go out quickly as well...

"Well, at least you're warm now," said Mario trying not to laugh as Luigi put himself out. He glared at Mario and was about to take out his hammer when they were approached by the strange blue spirit that they had met earlier. They both seriously hoped that it would no longer play any more games with them. Luigi opened his mouth to say something.

"No, Luigi," said Mario. "I still don't know it is a boy or a girl."

"Welcome," said Jojora. "You're the first people ever to climb all the way up here! Cool... You're pretty darn determined! Let me reward you with a little something, OK?"

"But Bowletta and Fawful managed to get all the way up here!" Mario whispered to Luigi.

"Yeah, but they would have flown up in the Koopa Clown Car or whatever. Did you expect them to climb up?"

"Well, no..."

Mario and Luigi were led to some seats which they gladly took and both expressed surprise when Jojora asked them which of his/her friends they would like to invite over for a spot of tea.

"Ooh, goody, a tea party..." Luigi muttered.

"Polly put the kettle on," Mario sang in a voice low enough for only Luigi to hear. "Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, we'll all have tea. Poor Polly just dropped dead, Poor Polly just dropped dead, Poor Polly just dropped dead so sod the bloody tea!"

"Ch-Chucklissa," said Luigi, struggling to keep his face straight.

"Oh, man! You two have really good taste!"

Mario and Luigi looked at each other and thought, _Is this guy serious?_

"Chucklissa! Come here and introduce yourself!"

Both brothers were shook from their seats as Chucklissa literally dropped in on them. They looked up and saw quite an ugly visage greet them. It was also really big...

"GAHAHAHA! I'm Chucklissa. Please sit back and make yourselves comfortable if you are done working for the day. GAHAHAHAHA!"

"Well done. Now take good care of our honourable guests." This was said directly before they attacked the brothers at the same time.

"This is taking care of us?" questioned Mario as he avoided a serious hammer blow from Chucklissa. Luigi also sprung to the side dodging the attack. Jojora then tried to attack Luigi with the funny wand but he easily whacked it out of the way with his hammer. Jojora flew off screeching: "EEK! Uncool you creep!"

"Well that settles it," said Mario. "That guy is a girl. No guy would say something like that." Luigi had heard Waluigi say something like that but he declined to comment. Chucklissa tried to grab Mario but he jumped out of the way. "Shall we use the advanced Fire Bros. Technique, Luigi?"

Luigi nodded and Mario began to produce several large fireballs. He threw them one at a time at Luigi who whacked them with his hammer but Mario leapt up and hit each fireball in place before they hit Chucklissa so the fireballs grew into one collective deadly flame. Then Mario jumped off Luigi and struck the fireball hitting a perfect target at Chucklissa. She was burnt as an added bonus.

"You could hardly miss," said Luigi as Mario touched the ground again.

"You would knowing you."

They carried on fighting Chucklissa using every attack in their arsenal and then Jojora returned having spent quite a while out of the field. Then before they all knew it, Chucklissa suddenly exploded into little star bits signifying defeat.

"Phew... glad we've got rid of that one!" said Mario.

"Hey," said Luigi. "Isn't that Jojora supposed to flee now? She did so before."

"Yeah... good point."

Jojora moved to attack Mario with the wand that was probably really powerful but they didn't give themselves time to find out just how powerful it was. Mario swiped it away and Jojora fled again prompting comment about wusses from Luigi. They were going to celebrate her defeat but realised that because they hadn't suddenly gained experience points (there was a certain feeling when that happened) and they hadn't gained any coins or items either, the battle was technically still going.

"What the hell is going on?" said Luigi, confused.

"This really is Joke's End," said Mario. "I can't understand this place. But... I think I can see Jojora ahead in the little sneaky hiding place over there. I'm going to try and reach it."

Luigi couldn't see her; she was in an area technically out of bounds to them; perhaps it was the switching of dimensions. Mario prepared to jump.

"No, don't bro!" Luigi shouted.

"HERE I GO!"

Mario took the leap and flew over to his missing opponent in that possible other dimension that Luigi couldn't see as he wasn't attacking. He waited. And waited. And waited some more. But Mario still didn't return.

"Where on earth has he gone?" said Luigi to himself. "Surely he hasn't vanished. He could be doing anything back there..." Luigi tried not to give this too much thought. "Hey, he jumped so far, it was... OVER 9000!"

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**Once Chucklissa (or whatever she's called) is killed, Jojora is supposed to flee for good but because of the burn status... it's weird. By the way, when I said about dimensions, I meant that she's off-screen but you probably knew that.**


	8. A Most Peculiar Situation

**Hello again! Now this one is from Super Mario Sunshine. Personally, I rather enjoyed this game so I don't get some of the negative comments about it. Oh well...**

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**8. A Most Peculiar Situation...**

As Mario flopped down by the welcome shade of one of the houses, he noticed a Pianta dashing about as if in some state of panic. On a good day and in a different place, i.e. anywhere else but here, Mario would have been more inclined to get up and ask them what the matter was and whether he could help them in any sort of way. As it was, it was just a dumb Pianta and Mario reckoned that the Pianta didn't even realise that Mario deliberately tripped him up until he had flown over 5 metres of ground and landed flat on his face.

Mario sighed as he leapt up and climbed the palm tree before him to avoid detection, sweating as he did so. It was absolutely roasting here and there was supposed to be what, 120 Shine Sprites to retrieve and he had only collected 60 of them so far? How on hell did these people cope with such heat? But then again, they did have those palm trees sprouting on their heads which must have kept them nice and cool. Mario though, ever the cynic, felt that those trees covered their puny little brains. He absolutely hated the Piantas now.

Hate, it was such a strong word and yet Mario could not think of anything better to describe his feelings towards them. After all, they all thought that he was some deranged criminal! Hadn't they heard of him before and what he did? If they knew, then it would be obvious proof of his innocence but no, they all assumed that he needed to be punished and he hadn't even got access to a lawyer...

Mario moodily kicked a box open with a picture of a rocket on each side and strapped the item onto his pack replacing the standard hover application on his machine FLUDD. He needed a break, heck, the very reason he came here in the first place was to have a break. It seemed that, heroes like evil never rested.

"**We must get moving again, Mario," **said a voice behind him and it turned out to be that infernal device, FLUDD. Mario gritted his teeth, sick to death of hearing that monotone voice. He was seriously going to have a word with Professor E. Gadd when he got round to developing FLUDD Mark II or something like it.

"**I suggest that we continue with the missions in Pianta Village, Mario,"** it continued. **"There are still many Shine Sprites there that we must retrieve. We do not want to be wasting time. The sooner we get this done, the quicker we will be able to fix the problem that has been made."**

_Oh, please, not the Pianta Village, _he thought, nearly terrified by the prospect._ Anything but the Pianta Village!_

"**Are you ready to continue?"** asked the intelligent device. Mario smiled to himself.

"I don't think I've quite enough energy at the moment to go trekking in Pianta Village," said Mario sweetly. "It would be better for me to go to Ricco Harbour. There's still a couple of Shine Sprites to collect there as I remember you reminding me."

"**A capital idea, Mario,"** said FLUDD. **"If that is your destination, then I can activate sleep mode as you do not need my assistance as much there. Goodnight."** Mario sighed with relief as FLUDD effectively shut itself down although he found that he could still used the device without interruption.

Mario took a stroll around the market and then wondered why nobody started to chase him as he pinched a bunch of bananas from one of the stalls without bothering to pay for it. Not that he had many coins on him anyway as he tended to get by without them.

After snacking on the bananas and throwing the skins _accidentally _into the path of two unsuspecting Piantas (well, it was a lot easier to clean up than this paint-like gloop), Mario headed towards the little boathouse by the side of the water and feeling bored, decided to muck about for a while, especially with the rocket.

He launched himself and landed on its roof, pleased with the view of the sea that he got. He still felt the heat beating down on him though. What was wrong with just having the sun anyway?

Mario launched himself several times if only to get a pleasant breeze rush past him when suddenly, the sky disappeared and Mario found himself blasting into the roofless interior of the boathouse, only it was above him instead and _what in the hell was going on? _

Mario screamed as he plummeted way, way, way down, leaving the strange apparition of the building above him, even though it had been underneath him before and plunged into what looked to be a very vast ocean. He surfaced quickly, spluttering as he spat out the salty water and rubbed it from his eyes. He looked about it and suddenly became very confused. Yes, he saw the palm trees and the boxes and his cohorts, the Toads standing in the distance having a talk but there was something rather amiss...

"What's happened to the land?" Mario yelled. "Where's it gone? How come everyone's just standing about? Haven't they noticed that the land's gone?" he could still see the boathouse thing above him but try as he might, he couldn't reach it again even with the rocket.

Mario could see the palm trees standing tall and the people milling about but they didn't seem to notice the lack of land or buildings. Mario swam about aimlessly for some time before finally deciding to head in that general direction. This was freaky, he had decided and indeed it was. He used the rocket again and dropped down only to get nearly knocked out by crashing into one of the invisible buildings and landing painfully on his rear not in the water but solid ground. He just couldn't see it...

Everything that was part of Delfino Plaza was still there but the buildings and the floor weren't. Mario cautiously moved forward, clutching the walls like a blind man while searching wildly for any sign of normality. He also saw the painted M sign hang about in the air and he recognised it as being on the side of the boathouse. But hadn't he just fallen up/down from there? This was bloody confusing...

"Ah, Master Mario!" Toadsworth cried out from behind him. Mario turned around and saw the old steward in his natural state of worry along with the other Toads. The red one always seemed cheery though.

"Please rescue the princess!" he said. "We are all so very worried about her!" Toadsworth didn't notice the look of abject fear on Mario's face.

"Er- of course..." he said before sidling away from them all. He looked up and also noticed that some of the Piantas from 'above' were still there. It was like an alternative dimension or something...

Mario, in his state of helplessness, stumbled into the box-smashing shop and felt relieved at the sight of a floor, a roof, walls and those beautiful boxes. He kissed the floor which befuddled the shopkeeper who looked at him queerly. Mario skipped outside and was delighted at seeing the land returned again and that meant that he was somehow above the below again which was too weird to contemplate.

Deep in his own thoughts, Mario stumbled into someone and was about to apologise (unless it was a goddamn Pianta of course) when he realised with some shock that it was his brother, Luigi.

"Luigi?" he cried. "What are you doing here?" He picked himself and his brother up. "I thought you were helping Professor E. Gadd with that weirdo experiment and besides, there's something you can pass on to him from me and-"

"Bro, relax," said Luigi. "I didn't expect to end up here either; one minute, I was at his lab, the next minute, I ended up here! I blame it on his machines; some of them are a little haywire at the moment. But hey, bro, you look like you've seen a ghost. There aren't any around here, are there?" he whispered.

"Not that many, they can't stand the heat," said Mario.

"Well, if this was a game, I'd be a hack," said Luigi. "But this place is beautiful, why did you not take me along? And what's that thing on your back?"

Mario sighed. "It's gonna take me a while to explain, Luigi. Why don't we go for a drink and I'll tell you about it there?"

Mario directed his brother to The Pineapple Inn that was mostly frequented by Nokis rather than Piantas. Mario liked it here; it was dark and cool and the Nokis were less annoying and more intelligent creatures than the Piantas. Two Mango Refreshes were quickly served to them with a smile and Luigi drank it gratefully. Mario was rather annoyed to see that his brother was getting more attention from the ladies than he had done all week. It was not fair...

"So, what's been happening to you, then?" Luigi asked. "I heard that you got yourself landed in jail, for a night?" Luigi tried to hide his grin. Mario took off FLUDD from his back.

"Well, it started like this..."

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**And this leads us nicely into the next one-shot which is linked to this one. And this is a glitch not an AR which is nice to know. So ciao for now!**


	9. Instant Death!

**It's finally here, apologies for the delay but I've had stuff to do. Anyway, this one covers a few things in Super Mario Sunshine which seems to be one of the glitchiest games I've known. Even I've come across a couple...**

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**9. Instant Death!**

Mario took a long, thoughtful swig from his slightly alcoholic drink. "Weird stuff started happening pretty much as soon as we got here, Luigi and it's been more like hell than a holiday."

"Shame," Luigi muttered as he lay back and got himself comfortable while waiting to hear Mario's tale. A Noki walked past him carrying a tray of fresh drinks. "Hey, bro, this is a big tropical island but where in the heck are the Yoshis? Surely this must be a paradise for them!"

"The only ones I've seen here are some funny Yoshis native to Isle Delfino where you feed them fruit and they spit out juice and stuff and they seem to only come in three colours; pink, orange and purple and if you go in the water with them, they die instantly."

"Well, that's crap," said Luigi. "What sort of Yoshi immediately drowns and only comes in three colours which isn't even green?"

"I know," said Mario. "Talk about bad. But seriously, this place gives me the creeps and there is just so many ways to die!"

Luigi raised his eyebrow in disbelief. "Well, you're quite clearly sitting here."

"You know what I mean!" Mario snapped. "Losing multiple lives, that sort of thing. Anyway, just the other day, I went to Pinna Park only because I was practically forced into the cannon that shoots you there, don't ask, and some flying creature nicked my hat! Tried getting it back but no such luck so I thought, "Sod this for a game of soldiers!" and went to the entrance and all the while, the sun was beating down on me. I got stopped by this bloody Noki that kept telling me about Pinna Park and goddamn it, I know about Pinna Park. On and on it went until I collapsed and it STILL went on and on about bloody Pinna Park!"

"Well, that's not too weird," said Luigi. "You know how people like to repeat themselves."

"Agreed but that's not the weirdest of it." Mario pointed out of the window. "You see the Shine Sprite Gate over there?" Luigi nodded. "Well, there's some water behind it, took a swim, had a dive, accidentally activated the Turbo boost on FLUDD here and I went zooming through the wall and ended up at the bottom of the harbour being able to walk normally and everything despite all the water."

"So you didn't hurt yourself doing that? No sense, no feeling after all..."

"Shut up!" shouted Mario attracting the attention of some concerned looks. He shrugged them off; he had jumped on people's heads before and they never took a great deal of notice. "I carried on walking and jumping while under the water and using the Turbo boost and I managed to run out of water while underwater. Told you it was weird," he said to Luigi's look of bemusement.

"**I am Error!"** FLUDD screeched as it activated itself for some reason. **"Press any key to restart! System not found, insert install disc. Disc not found, please confirm disc cover is closed. Read Error. Insert boot disc and press enter. No response. System may be busy or melting into slag. Application Error. Save your work and quit. You lost everything, way to go, genius! Waiting for processors. 404 computer hamsters not found. Threat level upgraded to Jelly Roll 1, detonation imminent-"**

Mario kicked it and FLUDD deactivated itself again. "It's been doing that a lot recently. And whatever you do, don't CTRL ALT DEL."

Luigi stared at the manic contraption. "I take your word for it."

"There was also this time when I went to Gelato Beach, well I kinda went in backwards and the next thing I knew, the gravity had shifted as I was halfway up a pole on the hill constantly moving up and down as if dancing on it before plummeting through this hill and into what I call the blue zone before I died and- what are you sniggering at, Luigi?"

Luigi couldn't help but laugh. "It just sounded really wrong!"

"Oh ha-ha, Mr Mature," sighed Mario. "And there was also the time when I was in Bianca Hills on the ropes and I was trying to use the Rocket but I just wasn't taking off even though I did it several times. I walked along and got hit by a sudden gust of wind and then I ended up in the sky about 3000 feet up!"

"Skydiving was you?" said Luigi pleasantly. He called for the Noki waiter to get him another drink, this time something with a bit more punch.

"Something like that and I also went swimming in water while under the water, you know, like the bit above me was air even though it was actually water."

"Sounds like this place is a bit whacked," said Luigi as he drank from his Pinna-Pinna Rum. Mario nodded and shuddered as he recalled the time when he actually got killed by clothes, yes clothes, but again, he had been without his hat at the time and yet the Pianta guy kept insisting that he should wear this rather flashy shirt and sunglasses then Mario collapsed again as the Pianta kept telling him how good he looked in it. Didn't these people recognise a death when they saw one?

"So who put all this gloop stuff here anyway?" asked Luigi as he glanced outside and saw a random Pianta perform an infinite jump with the aid of a manhole cover. "Oh my god! Did you just see that, Mario?"

"Yeah, I've done it myself," said Mario as if these were things he saw daily which considering the sort of time he had been having on Isle Delfino was becoming true. "And you mustn't put any of that gloop over those covers otherwise you won't be able to get through them. And don't drink so fast, Luigi, that's powerful stuff you've got there."

"Sheriously?"

"See? You're slurring already. Come on; let's go outside before the roof caves in due to somebody walking backwards on that patch of carpet while holding a blue coin or something crazy."

Luigi downed the rest of the rum in one and started hiccupping. He looked at the pretty colours that suddenly appeared before his eyes and chuckled as Mario got harassed by a Pianta woman who was too lazy to get her own fruit so Mario jumped on top of the basket and tried to flee with FLUDD only to hover between the roof and the wall and drop straight between them into the blue zone and die again. "Too bad!" he giggled to nobody in particular.

"Why do I keep dying?" Mario yelled as he returned to Delfino Plaza with one less life than before. He then found that he was talking to himself as Luigi staggered over to the Durian Fruit Stall and started kicking the fruit about (and the Pianta didn't seem to mind even though he was technically stealing it) and goodness knows why, the fruit started blinking as if about to vanish. Luigi booted it into the water and Mario saw the splash even though it had already vanished. He heard another fruit grow in its place except he couldn't actually see the fruit. _It was invisible._

"Mamma mia!" Mario groaned. "This is the craziest place I've ever been in!" Luigi ran around trying to spin like a helicopter ("Whee! Look, I'm a helicopter, Mario!") while attempting to gain points by jumping on the heads of Piantas in unison before fainting. Mario sighed; there was other stuff as well such as being able to run at ultra high speeds and jumping about as if he was on the moon. A Pianta ran into him without apologising and that made Mario very angry. He then realised that it was that weirdo who called himself Il Piantissimo the Second or whatever. Why in the hell did he dress up like a Pianta? Hmm... And for some reason, he had died because he had lost a race...

"You know what?" he said out loud. "I think I'm going to burgle that house." If he could find a door and enter it; why couldn't he? Law clearly dictated that he could enter any house he liked as doors were always unlocked. So Mario walked along the front before spotting an open window near one of the palm trees. He managed to get onto its ledge by hovering and was triumphant. But then...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mario screamed as he fell through the window and died again. "WHAT SORT OF HOUSE IS THIS IN WHICH YOU IMMEDIATELY DIE?"

* * *

**Seriously, there are loads of glitches (the speed and high-jump being AR) but it's still a good game. The last one I managed to find myself and I did t for the reason above. Well, attempted to...**

**Anyway, ciao!**


	10. Strange things are happening to me!

**This one is dedicated to my constant reviewer ThatNintendoFanGirl who loves Luigi as much as me (maybe even more which is saying something...) :D**

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**10. Strange things are happening to me!**

"For the last time, Mario, you are not allowed to stomp on them!" screeched Peach as they slowly made their way across the mountains of the Yold Desert, wishing fervently to get back home. That bloody Merlon; he managed to bring Mario here; surely it wasn't asking too much for him to be able to take them back home as well but no, they only had to trudge to Yold Town where there was a super special dimension-flipping far-distance travelling pipe to take them all home; Mario, Peach, Luigi, Bowser and his massive troop of Goombas, Koopas and other minions. They were also really beginning to irritate him.

"Lord Bowser! It's so hot out here!"

"Quit complaining or you'll know the true meaning of hot!" shouted Bowser, ready to blow flames.

"He's hot..." whispered somebody who was currently watching a certain figure at close quarters.

"WHAT? Please don't say you mean his Ruthlessness, his Angriness, his Badness, his Snappiness, his Grumpiness, his- er, Awesomeness," simpered a Koopa who Bowser threatened to turn into toast.

"Don't be stupid!" snapped the lady minion. "Who do you think I meant? I'm referring to Luigi of course!" Mario raised an eyebrow at this but passed no comment; different species crushes were so cruel. But seriously, he wanted to satisfy his stomping cravings and shut them up. Two and two made four, right?

"Oh..."

"Lord Bowser! I think I'm having hallucinations!"

"_I see dead people..."_

"I'm melting! I'M MELTING!"

"SHUT UP!" roared Bowser.

Mario sighed and pressed on. Were not the Goombas supposed to be stomped on? They were. And were not the Goombas deliberately winding him up because they knew that he wasn't allowed to stomp on them at the moment? They were. And did not one of the Goombas betray his little brother and said, "If you can't beat them, join them. Sod off, Luigi, I'm going with the winning team and clearly you're not a winner so ha-ha?" It did. Mario looked up and saw that Luigi had walked far ahead, clearly wanting to be alone. Mario immediately felt guilty as he saw his brother press a hand over his heart and close his eyes with pain; he was absolutely sure that part of the Chaos Heart was still in there... with Luigi. He clenched his fists; if Dimentio ever came back to life, Mario would be there to make sure he was killed again, this time with a 10-ton weight. _Splat! _Mario grinned, that would be goooooooooooood.

They finally reached Yold Town and the minions charged in, possibly in the hope of wreaking some havoc. They then realised something utterly and completely terrible.

"What the f***?" they screamed. "There's no pub in this place! What are we going to do?"

"Break down and cry!" said Bowser nastily. So they did. They had all been hoping for some Chuckola Cola. What sort of place didn't have a pub? Clearly, it was in the outbacks. Bowser stomped forwards and directly into a trap that had previously covered. Old Man Watchitt came rushing out.

"Watch it, I say watch it! Oh, it's you lot," he said to Mario and co. "Should have watched it big angry fella. Anyway, I've got my eye on you lot so WATCH IT!"

"Botch it?" they chorused, confused. Watchitt watched them and hit one whippersnapper with his stick.

"I said watch it, WATCH IT! Not botch it. Anyway, you'll have to wait a while before the pipes are ready so watch it!"

"Does he always say that?" asked Peach as she watched Old Man Watchitt shamble off. Mario nodded conveniently feigning deafness to Bowser's calls of "I'M STUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE! MARIO, DO SOMETHING SUPER ALREADY! NOW!" Instead, he decided to head into the shop and offload some of his coins. He also remembered that he would have to leave the Pixls behind when they finally left. Bugger.

"Goooooooooooood day!" cried the Shopkeeper. Mario looked at his watch and timed the word 5 seconds long. He would be glad though to get back to normal civilisation where people actually walked in 3 dimensions and didn't lose health by staying in the third dimension for too long. He mentioned the third dimension to some Flipside citizens one time and they practically wet themselves laughing. Still, it was interesting flipping between 2D and 3D. Mario decided to try it out one last time.

"Hey man, my customer just vanished out of sight!" said the Shopkeeper as Mario went all 3D. "That's not gooooooooooooood!"

Mario slipped behind the point with the points list on and went back into 2D. How could people live like this? It was unnatural. It wasn't something that he would do EVER! From left to right for 99% of the time... He shuddered and turned 3D again.

"Wah!" he cried as he became stuck so he leapt _through the wall as if he was a ghost and into the blackness of the other side... _Behind the scenes, if you will. "Whoa! What happened then? Who keeps putting me in these weirdo and stupid situations?"

"I assume that this will be one of those beings from beyond, Mario," said Tiptron who fluttered alongside Mario.

"Is that the same person who controls the A button?" questioned Mario as he leapt about in a panic and ended up going around the black and seeing a strange side-on view of the shop.

"Apparently so."

"This is crazy!" he snapped. "What am I in, a video game?" Then the door spoke and asked him if he wanted to buy anything. Mario gaped.

"That is obviously the shopkeeper, Mario but because you are in a different position in dimensions, it appears to be the door speaking when of course, it's not."

"Says you when you're a robotic butterfly fairy."

Mario fled the scene and ended up running through Yold Town and straight into a warp pipe. Bowser stood behind him wearing a most evil grin.

"Looks like we're alone now," he said. Mario pulled a face.

"Eww, what are you trying to say, you creep?" Mario then shrunk himself with the hope of escaping.

"GWRAHHHHHH! YOU PERVERT! I MEANT I NOW HAVE THE CHANCE TO CRUSH YOU WITHOUT INTERFERENCE!" Bowser was disappointed when he couldn't see Mini-Mario (who had hid behind the pipe) so he stomped off in a huff. Mario panicked when he went 3D again and tried to revert back to normal except this time, he could a top-down view of Yold Town which was really confusing.

"How in the hell am I supposed to move?" he cried as he moved 2D in a 3D way or something like that.

"I can help you with that!" snarled Bowser who had returned, this time, carrying a massive club so he could smash Mario's head in.

"Oh sh**..." Mario muttered as Bowser launched himself at him and got trapped in Mario's magical 3D powers (which in the real world were nothing). Bowser somehow ended up behind the hill and the house of Yold Town but this did not concern him because he saw his prey in front of him and he gave chase.

"COME BACK HERE AND DIE!" Bowser screamed.

"Do you think I'm that stupid?" shouted Mario back.

"You didn't even recognise your own goddamn brother so yeah!" The pair then suddenly froze and found that they couldn't move. While Bowser cursed the world in general, Mario laughed giddily and started singing: _"Straaaaaaaaaange, things are happening to me!"_

Luigi meanwhile, was sat in the shade, leaning his back against a wall and trying to keep his tired eyes open. Peach sat beside him with a sort of gleam in her eye that would make all Luigi fans pin her down for fear that she would be stealing him from them. And that was unacceptable.

"What are they arguing about this time?" Luigi muttered sleepily.

"Nothing," said Peach before grabbing a shocked Luigi and kissing him before dragging him way for a more private spot.

* * *

**Well, at least Peach gets worried about him in Super Paper Mario such as when she says, "Luigi! You're alive?" "Uh yeah, Princess, I'm standing right here you bozo..."**


	11. Terrible Torture!

**Hello readers! I'm not actually covering a glitch this time, rather I am talking about the *cough* cartoons and *argh* film. This one is going to be a bit longer than the others by the way. You think that the Mario cast must be so embarrassed by these cartoons...**

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**11. Terrible Torture**

"...OK, guys, the joke's over now so if you would just untie me..."

"GRAWH! Don't look at me! What makes you think I've done this? If I was going to do a joke, it wouldn't be this crap. And it would be more evil."

"Hey! I've got to get back to the castle; Toadsworth's going to be worried sick!"

"I blame you for this, bro." Luigi narrowed his eyes at his older brother who was trying and failing to wrench himself free. In any case, the ropes were held in place by magic and no amount of wriggling was going to get him out.

"What did I do?" said Mario angrily. "I swear to goodness that I didn't do anything! OK, so I don't know how me, you, Peach, Bowser, Toad and Yoshi managed to end up tied against this rather comfortable sofa in front of a massive widescreen television but it can't be for any good reasons!"

"I am concerned as to why anybody would want us here in the first place," said Toad. "I mean, I'm no big hero like you lot and Yoshi here was just visiting. Just what were you doing in the kitchen earlier anyway?"

Yoshi was decent enough to look guilty. "I was searching for some Peach Cake. It's supposed to be _really_ tasty and-"

"THE CAKE IS A LIE!" screamed Toad. Peach slapped him. No more cake for Toad.

"What do you suppose is going to be shown?" asked Mario. "I bet you 10 coins that it is going to be an announcement from some crazy, megalomaniac bugger who wants to take over the world and everything, you can't do anything, I am the winner, hahahahaha, blah, blah, blah."

"Personally, seeing as I'm stuck here," said Bowser. "I'm hoping to catch some of that X-rated stuff." He chuckled evilly to himself, with Peach thankfully unaware as she argued with Toad and Yoshi over the finer points of cake.

"'Blue-shelled Lovers' and 'Hot, Sexy, Bob-ombs?'" said Luigi knowledgeably.

"LUIGI!" shouted Mario, aghast.

"What?" said Luigi with only a trace of a blush. "I can read TV magazines you know!"

"MWHAHAHAHA!" cackled a voice out of thin air. "Fear me as I lead you to your doom; as I watch you all tremble before my mightiness! As I deliver unto you the punishment that you all deserve!"

A shadow materialised upwards from the carpet and with a deafening crack of energy and a flash of bright green light, changed into a more solid figure, one that they all recognised except Yoshi. It gently fingered a red pendant that hung around its neck on a chain and it also wore a dark blue robe. The figure was wearing a glistening crown as well; something that Bowser was not amused by. He tried to breathe fire at it but there was a magical barrier in the way. Dammit.

"EEK!" cried Yoshi. "It's a horrible warty toad!"

"No," said Toad, clearly offended. "It's a horrible warty _frog._ Get it right."

"Wart?" said Mario, confused. "What the hell are you doing here? You were supposed to be a one-time villain."

The figure was indeed, Wart; spurned villain of the ages and master magician. He had brought them all here for a very good reason and they were not leaving until justice had been carried out.

"Yes! It is I, Wart! And at last, I am here to unleash my revenge against all of you!"

"Oh, come on!" snapped Bowser. "You aren't still sore over the whole villainy business are you? I mean, just because I'm the President of the Awesome Villains Club and you're not but hey! You're still part of it so what are you complaining about?"

"I'm a villain; it's practically my job to complain!" Wart snapped. "Anyway, I'm a far better villain than you'll ever be! You still haven't managed to kidnap the Princess and keep her kidnapped for pity's sake. Why I was dropped over the likes of you, I'll never know. So I absolutely hate you!"

Bowser gave him the thumbs up. "Very villain-like. Love it."

"Shut up. And I don't like you," he said to Peach. "Because you helped to defeat me even though you get kidnapped every other time!"

"Charmed, I'm sure," said Peach.

"And I hate Toad because he reminds me of vegetables, I hate Mario because he gets all of the attention and I don't. ("Hear, hear," Luigi muttered.) And I hate Luigi because he is Mario's brother and wears cooler green than me and came up with the idea on how to beat me in the first place!"

"Yes, well, you would install a machine that spits out veggies in your own boss room," said Luigi.

"What did I do?" cried Yoshi. "I've never even met you or heard of you before!"

"And I hate you because you don't know me and you're their friend," said Wart.

"Oh, great, thanks a bloody bunch..."

"So what mastery of villainy are you planning?" questioned Bowser. "Torture by magic? Lava pits? Great chainsaws of destruction? Chain Chomps?"

"Death by chocolate?" asked Yoshi hopefully.

"It's obviously to do with the TV," said Mario. "He's gonna show us a documentary saying how totally boring and useless he is. I'm scared now!"

Wart whipped out a remote control and switched the TV on. He whizzed the adverts on his specially-made DVD before reaching the Episode Selection and Play All screen. Some ultra-cheesy music played in the background. Mario and Luigi were the first to realise exactly what was currently showing and they blanched. Mario was really scared now. Luigi was as pale as a Boo.

"Y-y-you wouldn't," Mario stuttered. Wart grinned nastily.

"Oh, I would," he said. "And Bowser even managed to steal my minions from me in this! Well, I'm getting back at you, you know. And after the cartoons comes the _film_."

Everybody suddenly knew what he was talking about and they screamed for mercy. This torture was going to be too horrible to contemplate, especially for the brothers as they were in more episodes than the others. Wart cackled even more madly.

"I have also warped time around this space so that I can fit every last episode and the film in just two hours. I have other business you know and if time ran normally, it would take too long so I do hope you enjoy this spectacle. Oh, and if you keep trying to cover your eyes or ears, my magic will force your arms by their sides." Wart laughed and turned the volume up a little. "Goodbye for now!"

Wart vanished from the spot just as the first episode began to roll on the screen. Yoshi saw a bowl of fruit on his left and quickly snaffled it up; he needed something to take his mind of the terror and he had only been in thirteen of them.

"Bastard..." muttered Bowser.

"Why us?" moaned Luigi. "I'm never gonna live this down!"

"Who on earth made these?" asked Toad, trembling all over.

"Dunno. From some parallel dimension I think where they don't have a clue about us. At all," Mario grimaced. "And for some reason, they thought that we came from a place called Brooklyn."

"Which is ridiculous," growled Luigi. "We were born and bred in the Mushroom Kingdom and we're proud of it!"

"Yeah, and Kamek tried to kidnap you two when you were babies," said Peach.

"Precisely," said Luigi. "You wouldn't get a Magikoopa in Brooklyn anyway."

"Oh, please no..." groaned Mario. "The voice is entirely wrong. I sound like I smoke twenty a day."

* * *

When the live action scene and the song of ultra-cheesiness came on; everybody stared at the screen with morbid fascination. Yoshi thanked the heavens that he wasn't in too many episodes. Peach, Bowser and Toad equally thanked the heavens that they weren't in the live-action scenes. Mario and Luigi gaped on, unable to believe what they were hearing or seeing:

"_Hey paisanos! It's the Super Mario Brothers Super Show!  
We're the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's our game  
We're not like the others who get all the fame  
If your sink is in trouble, you can call us on the double  
We're faster than the others, you'll be hooked on the Brothers Unh!  
H-hooked on the Brothers  
Gimme gimme, gimme gimme  
Yo, you're in for a treat, so hang on to your seat  
Get ready for adventure and remarkable feats  
You'll meet Koopas, the Troopas, the Princess, and the others  
Hangin' with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers, to the brink!  
Unh! Unh!  
I say a h-h-h-h-hooked on the brothers!  
The brothers!  
The brothers!_

_Yo, yo!  
It's the Mario Brothers and plumbin's their game  
Found the secret warp zone while working on the drain  
Lend the princess a hand in the Mushroom Land.  
Comin' atcha with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers!  
Nooooooooow, Evil Koopa and his Troopas are up to misbehavin'  
They kidnapped the princess; Mushroom Land needs savin'  
Abusin' and confusin' everybody he discovers  
They can't help but be hooked on the brothers! Unh!"_

Mario and Luigi slowly breathed out the fear and embarrassment that was growing rapidly. But there was more of that to come.

"What. The. Hell. Was. That?" said Toad.

"I feel for you, guys, seriously," said Yoshi.

"'Abusin' and confusin''?" questioned Peach.

"I'm sorry, you found a secret warp zone in somebody's bath?" said Bowser disbelieving. "And they called me Koopa! I am Bowser! Almighty King of the Koopas! And I am not green like a toad!"

"_Frog."_

"This is going to kill me..." said Mario as their 'lives' as plumbers in Brooklyn played out on screen. "My reputation as a hero will be flushed down the toilet at this rate."

"Please don't make any plumbing references," said Luigi.

"I hate to say this you two, but on there, you are really ugly," said Peach, wrinkling her nose.

"Glad you said that," said Mario. "Because if you thought they looked good, I swear that Bowser should set fire to me."

"I would but I can't!" cried Bowser.

Time crawled painfully slowly and as the live-action ended; the cartoon sequence then appeared in all of its garish glory.

"Do I look fat to you?" asked Toad out loud.

"Hey, I knocked all of the Koopas out and the title goes around you and already they're like: _'Yay, Mario!'_" muttered Luigi. "If I'm going to suffer this then at least I want some recognition for doing something useful."

"And you're complaining about it?" said Mario.

"Well, this goes into real life as well, you glory-hog."

"OK, Birdo does not fly," said Yoshi. "She can do a lot of things but flying isn't one of them!"

"The colours of our clothes are the wrong way around too," said Luigi.

Suddenly, a table stuffed with food and drink appeared before them. Thankful for this, everybody dived in and found the note saying: _'Hey, I'm not that cruel.'_

"OK, this is the way to go when it comes to goddamn evil plots," said Bowser as he chomped on a chicken leg. "I'd like to file this for future reference but it would mean mortifying myself too and that's a big no-no."

"I don't need a Plumber's Log," said Mario. "Who on earth would be so cheap as to use a thing like that? Hero's Log, I can get, but Plumber's Log? How lame can you get?"

A few episodes passed with varying but always incredibly high levels of embarrassment and ultra-cheesiness. By the time Episode 6, The Great Gladiator Gig made its unwelcome appearance; Mario tried to hide his face with his cap. Unfortunately, it was blasted off after approximately 1.3 seconds. Luigi shook his head in utter disbelief at the wrongness of it all. Bowser tried to set fire to the TV when his visage appeared wearing a purple gladiator robe of some sort. He looked ugly and green all over too. Toad took out his camera and snapped it.

"This will teach you not to keep attacking us!" said Toad severely. "I'll... I'll photocopy it and show it to your minions!"

"Do that you little pipsqueak and I'll photocopy you lot, put them all over my castle so my minions can laugh themselves to death and play darts with them!"

One of Wart's minions, Tryclyde, came out holding a pitchfork in one of its mouths whilst the onscreen Mario spoke to his brother, Weegee. Luigi's eye twitched.

"If anyone calls me by that name, they are dead," he growled.

"Hey, whoa, take it easy," said Yoshi with a mouth full of grapes. "This is killing me watching this anyway!"

"Has anyone considered the thought that THERE AREN'T ANY OTHER TOADS ABOUT?" Toad screamed. "This is supposed to be the Mushroom Kingdom after all!"

"Hate to break it to you but we're not in the Mushroom Kingdom anymore," said Luigi. "And Mario, why are you so obsessed with food in these cartoons?"

Mario stared at the bowl of spaghetti on screen and in his hands then threw it away saying: "I don't feel so hungry anymore..."

"OK, so there are Toads," said Toad when they had reached the episode Jungle Fever. "But they look even worse than me!"

"God, I feel sorry for those Shy Guys," said Yoshi. "They look nowhere tasty enough to eat! But they do look kinda flabby..."

"Excuse me?" asked Peach. "But I'm still actually a princess in this so why am I traipsing around the entire country when I should be safe in Toadtown governing and things like that? And why is the witch doctor wearing white gloves and yet he is half-naked?"

"She has a point," said Bowser. "And why on earth do you guys wear white gloves anyway?"

"Trade secret," said Mario.

"We have hidden powers," said Luigi. "You do not want us to unleash them."

"No, of course not," grumbled Bowser. "Like you haven't handed me my shell already..."

"Whatever these guys got paid to do this for, it clearly wasn't enough," said Mario. "I don't know what's happened to your voices and seriously, whatever ever has happened to my handsome, melodic voice..." Luigi gagged on his drink although Mario didn't take notice of him.

One of the other episodes they watched was titled 'Count Koopula.' Normally, Luigi wasn't too keen on the horror films so when Bowser's minions became 'monsters' (something which Bowser practically sobbed at) and the wine that was spilled (at least they thought it was wine), looked an awful lot like blood, Luigi wasn't best amused. Still, at least Toad had a somewhat epic looking stance while holding a bottle although he could also have achieved that whilst drunk; a state which he wanted to visit right now.

"Hey, your Goombas are zombies," Toad commented. Bowser sobbed even more.

"I hate leaks, somebody call me a plumber!" warbled the on-screen Mario. Mario face-palmed himself while Luigi could not help but grin at it if only because it wasn't him who said that. "They look like they're water-boarding me..." he groaned.

* * *

Sometime later, Toad whooped cheerfully. "Now that's the first series finished!"

"Yeah, but we've still got a crap load more to suffer through," snarled Bowser. "And what the f*** have they done to my kids! Why? WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

"You're still in the cartoons, Toad," said Peach.

"Oh, damn..."

"At least there aren't any more live-action sequences," Mario remarked. Everybody muttered in agreement over this.

"Hey, we wouldn't argue like that..." said Luigi as the episode 'Oh, Brother' rolled on screen almost devilishly. "We would argue over important stuff like you not letting me go on an adventure with you because you're such a glory-hog and you like the red carpet treatment all to yourself."

"Yeah, that's true," said Mario before he realised what Luigi said. "Hey, do you want me to pull your moustache in the way you're pulling mine on there? Because I will!"

Luigi covered his own luxurious moustache. "No way, I'm proud of this."

Bowser took out a notebook and began scribbling down some new plot ideas despite their complete and utter ludicrousness such as the brain-washing helmet device that his son, 'Kookie Von Koopa' had made. Hell, it would probably blow on the first try.

"Now that's just bloody weird..." Mario muttered. "I mean, you wouldn't need to do that if you wanted me to fix your plumbing. All you have to do is ask and pay."

"Yeah, but I'm President of the Awesome Villains' Club. We don't pay for anything. Well, hardly anything."

"Least I did some rescuing," said Luigi. "The cartoons can't be too bad then."

"Whoa! Luigi!" said Mario suddenly very concerned. "This stuff must be turning your head! Are you feeling alright? You must be a bit woozy. We need a doctor. Oh damn, we can't... Still, I'm worried for you, Luigi. Seriously, are you OK?" Mario placed a hand across Luigi's forehead to check his temperature.

"No," said Luigi. "I feel like I'm going mad!"

"You're not the only one," moaned Yoshi. "And I'm not even in these!"

Everybody tried to watch through the rest of the episodes and then up came 'Life's Ruff.' It was clear to Luigi that since his brother didn't turn up on the screen in the first minute that meant...

"Oh my god!" cried Mario ecstatically. "I'm not actually in this one! I'M NOT IN THIS ONE! PRAISE BE GRAMBI! HALLELUIAH!" Mario started celebrating wildly whilst Luigi covered his face in complete and utter embarrassment. "I'm not in this onnnne! I'm not in this onnnne!" he chanted.

"Shut up!" snapped Luigi. "I get turned into a _dog_ in this. _A dog."_

"A rough-looking one too but hey, life's rough!" Mario nearly keeled over laughing. Luigi punched him and they both started fighting. Peach sighed melodramatically and slapped them both.

* * *

Now Toad started celebrating when the series had finished and he found out that he wasn't in the next lot but he couldn't quite put his groove on due to lack of space. Still, he cheered and whooped. Yoshi sobbed when he realised that it was his turn of torment next.

"I sound like a baby! And my snout looks really weird! What have we done to deserve this?" Nobody said anything but Mario started sniggering as they were watching 'Fire Sale' and everyone was falling and it seriously looked like he was looking up Peach's dress. Fortunately, Peach was too busy comforting Yoshi to notice this. Then the on-screen Luigi seemed to plummet to his doom.

"Oh, great, you've killed me," said Luigi. "Thanks a bunch, Mario."

"It gets you out of the episode," said Mario. "You're welcome."

"Nu-huh," said Toad, who was happy now that he knew he was no longer in the cartoons. "You can't actually die, you'll be rescued.

"Oh, whoop-de-doo," said Luigi in the most sarcastic tone possible.

"There aren't any cave people in Dinosaur Land!" screeched Yoshi. "What kind of idiot came up with this? There are no cave people! They look human and we know there are hardly any humans on this planet, at all! And with very good reason! Oh- er, no offence guys..."

"None taken," said Mario, Luigi and Peach.

"Hurrah! The last episode!" Bowser announced. "Except there's still the film to come..."

"'Mama Luigi?'" groaned Luigi. "Oh, give me a break. Sheesh, Yoshi's a bit old for bedtime stories anyway!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mario laughed manically. "Mama Luigi! Mama Luigi! Mama Luigi! Oh, that's priceless! That's genius! I'm gonna make that an internet meme!"

"King Mario of Cramalot," said Luigi. Mario shut up.

"You're a greedy sod, Yoshi," said Toad. "Do you know that?"

"Thanks a lot..."

* * *

Finally, the credits rolled the cartoon and everybody cheered. Mario and Luigi hugged each other whilst Toad opened a bottle of champagne and started glugging it down. However...

"MWAHAHAHA!" echoed the voice of Wart. "Don't forget, you still have the Super Mario Bros. film to watch! My torture of you is not over until the fat plumber sings!" Everybody stared at Mario who stared back blankly.

"Sing, goddamn it Mario, SING!" shouted Bowser.

"It was an expression!" cried Mario, wringing his hands desperately. "I can't do anything about this any more than you can!"

"So we have to sit through this one as well..." mumbled Yoshi.

"Hope I don't have a big part..." sighed Toad.

The film, in a nutshell, was pure suicidal mortification. Mario and Luigi were once again, cast in Brooklyn only this time, Mario was a hell of a lot older than Luigi and was balding. Luigi was so young as to _not have a moustache_, something that Luigi thought was the most horrific thing in the entire film. They ended up in the Mushroom Kingdom by ways not of a secret warp zone in a bathroom but by going through a strange dimension. Peach wept over the fact that she was cast as 'Daisy' (entirely wrong) and that the Mushroom Kingdom was really an industrial wasteland, a sacrilege to their beautiful home. Where in the heck were the Toads and the Koopas and everything? Toad gasped when his on-screen equivalent appeared looking like a _human _of all things. Then when they saw the Goombas for the first time... everybody wished for the return of the Zombie Goombas again, it was horrendous. Bowser was shocked into silence upon the fact that he also appeared human, reptilian-like but human. He was also rather seedy, saying things like, "I love mud, it's dirty and it's clean." Bowser started twitching madly. Toad had to cover up Yoshi's eyes when what was quite frankly a brown, reject dinosaur appeared to represent Yoshi who wasn't even in that particular adventure. Luigi was finally losing it as his character had a developing romance with 'Daisy' which resulted in even more screen time for him, including kissing scenes and for some reason, him parading about without his shirt on in the so-called Koopahari Desert. Mario fainted when his character attempted to get some important item of a woman he was dancing with and he had to grab the thing with his teeth and it lay just above her bosom. So much for the PG rating. Both of the brothers were terribly offended by the fact that they were wearing special boots for their jumping, pah! They did not need special jumping boots. And there was a scene involving the Goombas and the Mario Brothers in an elevator which was so hilariously bad that even Toad (whose charcter had got turned into a 10-foot Goomba earlier), had to chuckle or cry or both.

In the end, Bowser got turned into a dinosaur by his own de-evolution device before being turned into a primordial puddle of slime. Mario and Luigi had saved the day, Toad got turned back into what he was from that horrible Goomba and Yoshi was still as ugly as ever but at least he wasn't stabbed in the end. As the credits ran, the magic barrier was broken allowing them all to move again. Mario ran around the room screaming whilst Luigi simply laughed insanely. Toad and Yoshi wept profusely; Peach prayed that they would never have to see that lot again while Bowser set fire to the TV and destroyed it utterly.

Wart cackled in the background. It had been a good day for him.

* * *

**And there you go! You can see a lot of this stuff on YouTube if you really want to. I think that the cartoons are infinitely better to the film (which I got for my birthday from my friends once after I'd spent a week slagging it off). If they did cartoons nowadays, at least there would be the proper voices and the artwork could be that of the Mario and Luigi series. Thank you for reading once again!**

**P.S If you have watched the film, there's a part where Mario slides down an icy tunnel similar to that of Cool, Cool Mountain. But the film was released in 1993, obviously before Super Mario 64. Weird...**

**P.P.S If you want to join the Awesome Villains Club, all you need to do is send 1000 coins to the club address and provide evidence for awesomely villainous deeds! **


	12. The notso Grand Ceremony

**Heheheheh! And now back on to the glitch theme (the last chapter had to be done). Actually, this is about some AR codes in Mario Kart: Double Dash that lets you take control of the ceremony car, freeze other drivers for ridiculous lengths of time, etc. Let's see what happened at the latest race...**

**P.S Kamek was going to be playable in Mario Kart 64 but was replaced by DK. He isn't amused by this.**

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* * *

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**12. The not-so-Grand Ceremony**

Wario and Waluigi were both sat beside their gleaming racing car holding a long checklist with a stock of item boxes sitting in the corner of their garage. They had procured these for experimental reasons although it could just be said that they were practising their stealing skills. Wario gave a final polish to his purple bonnet even though this had already been a zillion times. He had finally got his dream car though and this baby performed like an angel; a beautiful angel at that; like a Nimbi. He glared at Waluigi and shouted at him to get his ass off the car; he had already dirtied it by sitting there.

"F*** you," he sneered. "I won those last races single-handedly anyway!"

"What in the hell are you talking about?" growled Wario. "Who was the one handling the items before, eh? Throwing them like a pro and with nobody's business?"

"Only after you spent five minutes hanging on for dear life at the back! You couldn't pull yourself back up because of your fat backside!"

"Yeah well, at least I'm no stick figure with a face like a screwed-up elf!"

"Touché," Waluigi snickered. "But at least we're at the last race now."

"Yup," said Wario. "But we're gonna win anyway. Check out the points now."

Wario and Waluigi left their garage (but Wario first had to check that no-one was going to hurt his baby. Waluigi rolled his eyes. It was a wonder he drove that thing) and headed down to the meeting area where all the warp pipes were kept for quick and easy travel to the different tracks. Wario pointed upwards and Waluigi saw their names besides a score of 999 points.

"Can't it go over 9000?" he asked.

"Nope," Wario replied. "This is as far as I can rig it. But I tell ya; the thing's in the bag and I'm gonna take it!"

"And me!" whined Waluigi.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever..."

They walked further on and met up with the other racers who fortunately hadn't noticed the slight editing upon the scoreboard. Bowser Jr. Had for some reason, teamed up with Toadette this time and they seemed kinda loved up which was entirely wrong, they thought, as they weren't even the same species! Terrible... and Petey Piranha was racing with Daisy as a partner. She looked forlornly into the sky; she was missing somebody in particular and had to unfortunately team up with the great slobbering plant.

"Alright, big-mouth!" called Waluigi.

"Gwraahhshupawraaahhooh!" he replied, possibly angrily.

"I feel for you too..."

Daisy looked at the evil-looking pair with distaste and straightened her dress. This was absolutely ridiculous; her attire was just not suited to this type of activity. Seriously, she would have to look into getting some nice, hot, tight-fitting Lycra, much better for this sort of thing. And better for another sort of thing too that was nobody's business but her own and Lui- er... her boyfriend.

"Hey," she said. "You haven't seen Luigi and Mario about have you? I thought they were supposed to be in this tournament but they haven't turned up..." Wario and Waluigi looked entirely innocent.

"Business calls, I suppose," said Wario, the very picture of innocence.

"Yeah..." sighed Waluigi dramatically. "I so wanted to tear up the road with Luigi in a friendly little competition together but alas! Poor Yorick! It is not to be."

"They might have got a call for an adventure or something," said Wario, still wearing his sickly sweet smile. He kicked Waluigi hard and yet inconspicuously before he gave the game away. Daisy frowned.

"I suppose so..." she said.

Before she could question them further, the announcer's voice ran across the area along them for the final race which was to be that classic Rainbow Road. Daisy turned away and was followed by her lumbering Piranha Plant partner. Wario and Waluigi wore their fixed grins until she was out of sight.

"What did you do that for?" snapped Waluigi as he rubbed his sore leg.

"Well come on, Mr Smart-Ass! You may as well have told her what we did!" said Wario. "Sheesh, sometimes I wonder whether you have turnips for brains..."

Still grumbling under their breaths, the dastardly pair made their way to the racing areas whilst the Koopa and Toad mechanics collected their vehicles (Wario was on tenterhooks about his baby which was quite ironic when it was being entered in a Mario Kart tournament of all things). Meanwhile, not too far away from the holding area of the competitors stood the Mario Bros. house. It should have been empty at this time; they were supposed to be in the competition, riding hot-shot. However, there was one teensy-weensy little problem...

Mario finally managed to untie the ropes binding his legs and arms together and ripped off the duct tape with an angry yell (even more so as it had threatened to pull off his moustache hairs). Luigi was still struggling in the corner; having also been blindfolded and painted with the typical Waluigi sign. Mario got rid of the last duct tape and screamed: "I'M GONNA KILL THOSE BASTARDS!"

* * *

Wario and Waluigi did their awesomely-cool victory dance on top of the podium as they had claimed victory. The applause was lacklustre to say the least but they didn't care as they had music pumping out from their ghetto-blaster and oh gods, they were singing their 'signature song.' As it were.

"_Warios are the mega ones, you know they're really cool!_

_As we're the winners now, you know we really rule!_

_Come on, come on, we're the best_

_You just ran out of luck._

_We kinda beat you in the test_

_And we don't give a f-"_

"That is quite enough of that crude language and singing I'll thank you very much!" snapped Toadette who was hugging and comforting a very upset Bowser Jr.. "We disapprove of such roguish behaviour as we are respectable people. And if you don't clear off very soon, we shall jolly well have you thrown out as you are most disagreeable fellows and you are not inclined to behave properly or sportingly in this appeaseable tournament!"

There was a moment of silence as the music ground to a funny screeching halt and as everybody contemplated this speech. DK, ever respectable with his tie-wearing habit, spoke first.

"Yeah, like what she said because you're nothing but a pair of lousy cheaters!"

"Now would we good fellows ever do such an awful thing like that?" Waluigi simpered who was still grooving away and break-dancing.

"Yes, you bloody well would!" yelled DK. "We were warned about the likes of you and-"

"AHA! There you are you horrible ape you!"

"What?" DK turned around at the mysterious voice. Then he released who it was. "Oh, not you again!"

Bowser's right-hand minion, Kamek sat astride his broomstick and waved his wand about angrily. Clearly, he was still upset over a certain something.

"I can't believe they let a gorilla behind the wheel of a car! I was going to be the tournament, me! I was! But no, somebody had to go and spoil it didn't they? I would have made an excellent competitor. I've always wanted to race, I was looking so forward to it in the last tournament but because of you-"

Bowser set fire to him turning him char-black. "GWRAHH! Get over it already will you? We have pressing problems here!"

"You have been nothing but cheaters the entire time," said the Paratroopa who had raced with Bowser. "We saw you, we have evidence."

Wario and Waluigi pursed their lips; had they been caught on camera? They had bribed the Lakitus earlier with chocolate cake to wipe the evidence off their cameras. Their crafty tactics included sticky glue, miniature Chain Chomps and a Freezie device that would ensure other drivers would be frozen for their ages. They merrily drove around the tricky Rainbow Road at quite an easy pace (thus protecting the car). The others couldn't have noticed; they had whacked them over the heads with hammers to make them forget that stuff as well.

Well, it was time for them to collect their trophy, not matter how undeserved it was. Peach growled at them in a most unlady-like fashion; she had come last after all. Wario and Waluigi jumped onto the seats of the golden ceremony car and laughed their socks off before pulling uglier faces than their own.

"Warios rule!" they cackled.

Toadsworth's duty was to drive the car into the item box containing the first prize. However, everything seemed to be rather twisty and turny at the moment. And rather blurry. He blinked and drove forward.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" they screamed as Toadsworth zoomed backwards along Peach Beach. Everybody else screamed and dived out of the way to avoid the maniacal driver that was Toadsworth. Two of the Piantas got flattened under the wheels while a few Nokis were slammed upwards into the air. They weren't seriously harmed however except the one who got run over again because Toadsworth thought he looked like a mushroom.

"What in the heck is he doing?" yelled Yoshi as he climbed up a palm tree for safety. He got knocked out by a flying bottle that hit him squarely on the nose. Peach picked it up and read the label: 'Whipping Boy.' She sighed.

"I thought Toadsworth had stopped drinking this stuff. It is illegal to be drinking and driving in my kingdom!"

Wario and Waluigi held on for dear life as Toadsworth careered all over the place. Was what he thinking? That he was playing a game of Grand Theft Mario? This was why he never made it in the tournament; he was the worst driver ever.

"GET US OFF THIS THING!" Wario and Waluigi cried as Toadsworth chased the flying coins.

"Has he been drinking Toadquilas?" asked DK in the tree next to Peach. She showed him the bottle. "Ah, the stuff people drink when they're feeling low and in last place. Very bad stuff."

"He just needs driving lessons," she sighed.

"He's out of control," said DK.

Toadsworth raced on, yelling all kinds of nonsense, completely missing the trophy before turning back around and crashing into the fountain. Wario and Waluigi dived straight into the water and came up spluttering.

"Well," coughed Waluigi. "At least that's over with." The sunlight was suddenly blocked by two figures, one of whom was still covered in paint. They grinned widely.

"Famous last words," said Luigi before the others begged for mercy. They didn't get it.

* * *

**We had to design a drink once in some lesson or another years ago. I came up with the whisky Whipping Boy. It just seems to suit Toadsworth...**


	13. Donkey Kong's Warp

**Argh! I haven't updated in ages! Sorry peeps, but I've been distracted by exam revision and deviantart. Now, this one is based on a glitch that has only been recently discovered in Donkey Kong: the long ladder glitch. You press down on the first solid ladder in the first level and Mario is transported straight to the top!**

* * *

**13. Donkey Kong's Warp**

He never asked for much. All that he wanted was a nice, peaceful, relaxing hour doing not much at all except for maybe eating some delicious pasta while watching the telly. There was usually something good on around this time like the serial of 'Indiana Guy' or perhaps 'The Super Ultra Goomba Bros.'. That's what he would have wanted to do.

But she had to get herself kidnapped didn't she?

"I mean, just for once, _just for once_," Mario grumbled under his breath as he made his way onto the streets after snatching up his beloved hammer. "Why do these girls have to keep getting themselves kidnapped? It's not easy to keep up a record this long. No wonder Luigi has never bothered getting himself a girlfriend; he's got the right idea. They're too much hassle. I could be playing some video-games right now but _nooooo_, she had to get herself kidnapped!"

The lady in question was called Pauline and she had a high sort of reputation about her around town. And, as Mario surmised, she was also high maintenance and if anybody else thought that she was hot, they would be welcome to her. He no longer cared that she was a multi-millionaire heiress and that he was a poor plumber struggling at times to run a business with his brother; he had had it up to here. It would have been impolite though to dump her while she was in the clutches of her kidnapper as that wasn't something that a gentleman such as himself, did. No, he had decided that he would rescue her as quickly as possible, hopefully pick up some reward, check whether she was alright, _then _dump her. He had caught her swooning after some rich kid anyway; he deserved better for himself.

Mario ran down the streets, unsure of where to find her since he had been at home at the time when he had heard of the news of the kidnapping. They seemed to expect him to go and rescue her just because he was her boyfriend. Didn't they have police for this sort of thing? It wasn't as if he could even foist the job off onto Luigi or something since he was doing a job and they really needed the money. When you started having nightmares about tins of beans chasing you in the middle of the night because there wasn't much food to be had, then you knew you were struggling.

He heard a scream in the distance, one that seemed overly dramatic and theatrical for Mario to seem truly believable followed by another screech of "HEY, YOU BIG BRUTE!" Mario knew that he was on the right tracks. He realised that he was going in the general direction of the construction site; gods, this was an ugly town, so industrial and rough and life was always in the fast lane. Where was the culture? The art? And was there any time to stop and take a break?

"Hey Jumpman, where are you heading off to in such a hurry?" said one of the annoying people of the town who was, incidentally, a past customer. That didn't mean he had to be polite now though.

"Look, kid," said Mario almost snarling. "Just because I can freaking well jump, doesn't mean that you can call me Jumpman! The name is Mario! Hell, if I couldn't jump, you would still be stuck on that roof to this day since the fire engine never turned up!"

"Sure, sure, whatever. Well, since you're in such a hurry, _Jumpman_, you better watch out for yourself because a gorilla recently escaped from his pen in the zoo."

"I'm not surprised," said Mario dully. "If I was in that place, I'd escape too. And if I got taken back, I'd shoot myself. Oh, well, thanks for the warning, if you're not pulling my leg."

"No probs, but I'm dead serious, Jumpman. Deaaaaaaaad serious since it went in this direction. See ya!"

"THE NAME IS FREAKING MARIO!" he yelled at the dumb kid.

"See ya, freaking Mario!"

"Honestly," Mario muttered to himself as he moodily went down the alley, kicking stones as he went by. "Why do they keep calling me Jumpman? Luigi's a much better jumper than me but nobody ever takes notice of him. Next they'll be calling me Mr Video just because I like playing video games. Sometimes, I think we were born in the wrong place…"

Mario finally managed to get to the construction site as the continued screams made sure that any would-be rescuers would know exactly where she was. Mario craned his neck up and looked at the figures on the first level of scaffolding.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Mario grumbled.

Pauline; Mario's lady friend, was standing on a piece of scaffolding, holding on for dear life although for her, there was little danger in falling there were plenty of ladders about and stuff. The problem was though, that Mario had to climb up all that way only to contend with a very angry and burly-looking gorilla. It was the one that had escaped from the zoo; the one they had named Donkey Kong. (Goodness knows why, it was a peculiar name for a simian ape.) Just how in the Buxton did Pauline manage to be kidnapped by a gorilla of all things? Donkey Kong should have been concentrating on escaping, not acting out that whole giant gorilla/lady relationship thing from King Kong! Mario shook his head; how could a gorilla be so large anyway and have an infatuation with a woman who was not his species? Hey, somebody had to ask these questions.

"Don't worry, Pauline," said Mario through gritted teeth. "I'm coming for you!"

She didn't answer; she was too busy concentrating on panicking although Mario was sure that she blew him a kiss so that was alright. He raced up the first piece of construction work only to be met with a barrage of barrels.

"Holy crap! How many has this guy got?" Mario yelled as he leapt over barrel after barrel and he hadn't even advanced yet. Once or twice the ones that threatened to crash into him did crash into him sending Mario plummeting a short distance to the ground. He tried hammering through a few of him but he just wasn't getting the time to strike them. This was making him very angry but at least Pauline had finally shut up and let him concentrate.

Donkey Kong pounded his chest, supposedly showing his authority in the area; confident that the man wouldn't be able to come up here. He kept trying however, running past the broken ladder and coming to the first solid ladder. This went downwards however and Mario couldn't go up it in the first place due to its location. Then, a really large barrel came tumbling down after him and Mario was forced to climb downwards.

What he didn't expect was to keep climbing down only to then end up at the top of the level _as if he had warped there!_

"Wow, that was neat," said Mario, bemused. He wondered whether the workman knew about this warping capability. He stomped up to Donkey Kong who had stopped throwing his limitless supply of barrels simply because he too was very surprised by Mario's sudden materialisation.

"Alright, you brute," said Mario. "Let her go now and come with me quietly. If you have harmed a hair on her head then I swear you shall pay for it. Are you alright, Pauline?"

"Yeah!" she giggled. "I've had a great time!" Mario blinked. This wasn't the reaction he expected.

"I'm sorry?"

"Well, I had been walking about town when somebody tried to nick my handbag and I went after them but DK here beat me to the punch and boy can he punch! I wanted to thank him so we went to the arcades, had a bite to eat and went watching King Kong. He thought it would be a good game to play so we came here but you know I don't like heights. And there were some really _huge_ rats back here because this place has been derelict for a while, you know? Sorry for all that screaming, DK."

"Ook," he said pleasantly.

"But it's alright now! I really love gorillas and I know what you were thinking Mario but I was fine honestly. Actually, I thought you would still be at home since the relationship has been a bit downhill lately-"

"Downhill? DOWNHILL? You're telling me that I shouldn't have bothered coming because you were playing video-games with a gorilla? So the monkey's better class is he because what? You went to a fancy restaurant instead whereas I can't afford it?"

Pauline tutted. "There's no need for all that shouting. This is why-"

"WELL SOD THIS FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS! YOU DON'T NEED TO DUMP ME, I'LL DUMP YOU FIRST! YOU'RE WELCOME TO HER GORILLA!"

As Mario stomped off, Pauline turned to Donkey Kong and said, "Back to the arcades?"

* * *

"I take it that you have had your last date with her?" said Luigi delicately as the brothers sat in their living room, switching between channels.

"How could someone go out with a gorilla over me?" Mario whined.

"Least you managed to get somebody, I've never had a date yet!"

"Trust me, you're not missing out."

"Just think, bro, one day, we could both travel to some weird far-off kingdom where you can win the love of a princess while I shall go on adventures and find treasure and stuff."

"You wish, Luigi," Mario sighed. "But for now, let's just phone for a pizza."

* * *

**I tend to avoid any references to Brooklyn or any implication that Mario and Luigi had travelled to Earth since I like the idea of pure fantasy and Nintendo stick absolutely to the story that they were born and bred in the Mushroom Kingdom which I prefer. Each to their own! ;)**


	14. Super Paper Mario Behind the Scenes

**It's Super Paper Mario again! Thanks to MarioWiki for this chapter; it shows a few glitches on there from the game including the Mega Koopa Glitch (Koopa hits the block to get a Mega Star, player presses home then back again, the star will stay on the block and not move to the next bit), the Underhand Glitch (Barry strikes an Underhand which falls to the ground, it will twitch and writhe but is stuck) and the Mini High Jump as explained in the text.**

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**14. Super Paper Mario- Behind the Scenes**

Mario leant back in his chair, drinking hot coffee and reading the newspaper during the break from filming Super Paper Mario. It was probably the most anticipated film in the Mushroom Kingdom, nay, the Mushroom World, _ever_, especially as it had the Mario in it. Of course, Luigi, Bowser and Peach were also starring in the film but Mario was the one who would be raking in the profits.

Mario was really enjoying himself; it was nice to take a break from adventuring once in a while. He smiled as he saw the setting being built for the next scene by the hands, all being directed by the ever enthusiastic and eager Gaffer the Goomba. He was pleased with his role and the script as a whole although nobody apart from the scriptwriters and the director had actually seen the whole script as there were some major plot twists in it, guaranteed to shock and entertain and make people think. According to Luigi though, he had had some inside information on the script and was sworn to secrecy until they actually started to film those scenes. He was in the costume room now, being done up for this supposedly secret scene.

Mario lifted his head above the newspaper and greeted Dimentio as he walked towards the new setting, admiring it greatly. He played his role as a psychotic jester so well that he deserved an Oscar for his performance.

"My, my," said Dimentio. "This scenery is magnificent like an exploding volcano illuminated by a dazzling rainbow! Greetings to you, Mario. Are you enjoying this spectacle as much as I am?"

"Definitely," said Mario grinning. "It makes such a nice change to not actually be fighting proper evil and that Bowser is not planning to kidnap Peach at the moment. Actually, they're doing some filming now. They were in the back earlier having another game of chess."

"Ahahahaha, that brutal game of clashing intellects played upon the black and white board of doom. Whatever made the Koopa King go up against such a fair and ferocious player?"

"Beats me," said Mario. "She's wiped the floor with him five times now but he won't give up. He's a stubborn sod I'll say that for him. Have you seen Luigi about by the way? I thought he was finished by now."

Dimentio shook his head and began practising his magical skills. "The green of moustache and the, ah, nimble-footed one is neither here nor there; I do not know his current whereabouts. But he shall probably be here before long turning up like a sudden shooting star across the blackest of cosmos. Now if you will excuse me, I'm afraid I must conjure up the will to practise my lines. Ciao!"

"I like him," Mario chuckled to himself as Dimentio disappeared with one click of his fingers. "He talks weird but he's a good guy."

"CUT!" screamed Hayzee the Dayzee; director of the most awesome film that was to be. Mario leapt out of his chair and yelped: "I didn't do anything."

"No!" said Hayzee irritably. "Not you. It's the Mega Koopa scene. That star just keeps sticking to that block and it is supposed to come out and then Nokotoro here can actually grab the star and become big. Goodness knows; I bet it's his fault."

"Don't blame it on me!" whined the young Koopa. "I want to do this scene just as much as everybody else does! It's my first big part in a film!"

"Sorry for making you wait so long, Peach," said Hayzee.

"It's quite alright, Hayzee," said Peach patiently as she refreshed herself. Ah, she was a true professional. "Every film hits some problems at some time. Perhaps it would be a good idea to get a different block if this one is proving faulty?" Hayzee clapped his hands with delight.

"Splendid idea, Princess!" he said. "Gaffer!"

The Goomba came dashing over. He wore a flat cap and had a pencil tucked behind it. He never left home without one. "Yes, sir, what is it I can do for you, sir?"

"Get the boys to remove this block. We need a new one in; this one keeps sticking. We can't move the scene on unless the star comes out."

"Aye-aye, sir. I 'ear you loud and clear." Gaffer motioned to remove the block when he noticed something. "'Ere! Some swine's gone an' stuck some glue on this. No wonder that star could never come out. There's yer problem right there, sir."

"Who dares interrupt the filming schedule?" growled Hayzee, clearly vexed. "BOWSER, I KNOW THAT WAS YOU!" He could hear Bowser sniggering in the corner and got one of the Whomp workers to drag him out. "Keep this up and I'm gonna stick your pay-packet were the sun doesn't shine! And then I'm going to get one of the Underhands to strangle you! Is that understood?"

"Aww, this is so lame…" Bowser grumbled. "Don't you entertain your stars around here? And I am one awesome star. I'm so bored just standing about when there's nothing for me to do!"

"Don't you know about the arcade on the other side of this site?" asked Peach who really wanted to get on with things. Bowser's eyes widened.

"Seriously? Oh, that is sweet! Why did nobody inform me of this before? Make way, seriously awesome Koopa King coming through making his entrance in the game scene!"

"Begging yer pardon, sir," said Gaffer as Bowser noisily stomped his way off. "The Underhands are currently being repaired at the moment, sir."

"What, why?" asked Hayzee.

"'Cos ye know in that Underworld scene in that river bit where Barry; the spiky Pixl chap, has to fend off a couple of 'em Underhands? Well, he kept spinning into them and it turns out when he knocks into a couple of 'em floaty ones, they rash to the bottom of the river bed and they get stuck. They just twitch and can't move, sir."

"Dammit! Well, someone has to go and fix them. We need them later for that scene where Mario finds Luigi in the Underwhere."

Mario burst out laughing at this point, imagining this quite literally. Lakitu had inexplicably filmed that bit too. It would be great for the video blogs that they were going to stick in the extras.

"Has that business with Dottie been sorted out yet?" asked Hayzee.

"You mean that bit where if she shrinks Master Luigi and he does a high jump, then he'll fly through walls? Aye, that's done and proper, sir."

Hayzee and Gaffer then left the room leaving Mario in peace. He then looked over and jumped with some surprise when he realised that the man who cut a rather dashing figure was Luigi.

"Bro!" he said impressed. "What's with the Zorro costume, eh? You know that really suits you! Are you meant to be a villain or something because you look like a really decent villain in that get-up?"

Luigi chuckled and spun about to show his new pose. Somewhere else, his fans were screaming with delight and a desire to grab him for themselves including TNFG. The President of the Luigi Fan Club came in and took some quick photos from her hideout before rushing away to get them developed. Boy, did he look _hot._

"Heheheheh," said Luigi happily. "Glad you think so, bro! This is really going to raise my profile. It's part of my twin role, one half hero, the other half villain. I can't give too many details away before we start filming those scenes but I'm going to be a minion of Count Bleck's."

"How come?" said Mario puzzled. "We already filmed those bits with you and me together."

Luigi tugged at his hat, clearly enjoying the look of his new costume. "You'll see, Mario. You'll see…"

* * *

**And he did see didn't he? Hope you liked the latest instalment (and one lucky reviewer was mentioned as well if you noticed… )**


	15. Super Mario 64 Behind the Scenes

**Badness! I haven't updated in ages. ^^; It has taken me ages to get inspiration too. Ho-hum. Anyway, this is a shout-out for Pikachu127 who wanted to see another chapter in film-style. Yays!**

* * *

**15. Super Mario 64- Behind the Scenes**

"I think we may have to cut that bit out…" whispered Hace. T; the director of the latest film set in the Mushroom Kingdom, based upon Mario's epic adventures. He expected glitz, glamour, fame and of course, Mario to play as himself which equalled instant win and coolness in the film stakes. The critics were sure to be impressed by this wonderful cinematic tale since it had the Mario in it. Plus, it was also being shot in _3D;_ that was the in thing nowadays. And if they didn't like it, Hace. T would simply ask Mario, hero of the Mushroom Kingdom to STOMP ON THEIR STUPID HEADS UNTIL THEY WERE BURIED 5 FEET UNDERGROUND. It was going to be a 5-Star for sure.

What he hadn't expected though, was for all these peculiar and downright insane problems to keep cropping up when they were shooting.

The bit that they had to just cut out now, for example, was what Hace. T's head cameraman (a Lakitu inexplicably named Pikachu127 due to his pendant of dressing up like a Pikachu) decided to call the Killer Corner. Preposterous, huh? Hace. T had thought so too until he had had Mario blasted to the roof of Princess Peach's castle with the aid of a cannon to make some epic speech or another. He had then walked to the far right side of the roof and reached the corner; he nearly slipped, pulled himself up and then _died._ (Why did Bowser's visage then suddenly appear before their very eyes upon Mario's death? They had no idea.)

Strange? You betcha.

Mario wasn't at all impressed with the whole dying thing either.

"Mamma mia!" he cried. "Do you want me to actually make this film or not? This just seems to be a way of bumping me off. This is, like, the 64th time you have tried to kill me!"

Hace. T's eye twitched madly. He was getting pretty fed up with these interruptions and good grief; they hadn't even filmed the scenes with the mechanical Bowser yet. (What? You thought that it was going to be the real Bowser? Don't be silly! He would be more expensive than Mario!) He needed a coffee, no scratch that, alcohol. Everything looked better under the lens of alcohol.

"Don't you get started, plumber boy!" he growled, prodding Mario in the chest (not that he could reach much higher). "I don't know whether its influences or whatever, no doubt you have picked some up on your jolly little adventures, but don't play the innocent with me! How do you explain that botch-up as you entered the castle the first time round?"

"Just because I did a long jump at the edge of the bridge before meeting Pikachu127; doesn't mean it was my fault that he lost his cloud!"

"It was really weird," said the Lakitu, cleaning his flying goggles as he talked. "I still felt like I was flying since I came down with the camera and everything but I couldn't see my lovely cloud at all! It was horrible…" Lakitus had a tendency to get very attached to their clouds, you see.

"_I mean, he wants lots of jumps and everything and when I do them, he complains…"_

"Don't even get me started on the second time we tried to film that…" Hace. T groaned.

"_Jump, jump, jump, no, I don't want that jumping, I want this jumping…"_

"You mean that time when somebody knocked me off my cloud and it went straight to Mario? That was weird too, especially as the camera was following him and the crew kept screaming about wanton ghosts and-"

"Can't you take a hint?" yelled Hace. T the seriously stressed director.

"Well, you shouldn't have implied it then."

"_I bet he wouldn't have minded Luigi's jumping, he's a real good jumper…"_

"Oh, do shut up," said Hace. T. "Anyway, I told you before that your brother wasn't going to be in this film because he doesn't have the same amount of star quality…"

"Hey, he's a hero," said Pikachu127 as he hoisted up his Pikachu-themed camera again. "You can't get much more star quality than that." Mario just growled menacingly at the director in a surprisingly accurate impression of Bowser.

"Hey, guys," said Koopa the Quick, clearly rather bored. "Are you just gonna stand there shouting at one another or are we actually going to get on with the film?"

"I suppose you're right, Quick," said Mario, tugging at his cap. "If we stay here, pretending that I'm going to save Princess Peach from Bowser in her own castle, then it will happen for real and I'll be damned. _(Two weeks later, Princess Peach was kidnapped by Bowser again, in her own castle, whilst stealing all 120 Power Stars. It had been a good day for him since Mario was damned i.e. he kept dying mysterious deaths.)_

The film, you know, that epic one, was being shot in different locations because the audience expected lots of drama, adventure and dangerous locations that they could happily watch and go home thinking that they were ever so lucky that they didn't have to deal with this stuff. The crew and actors nipped over to the Bob-omb battlefield. Mario and Koopa the Quick winced as the crew kept being blasted by rogue Bob-ombs and screaming "ARRRRRGGGGGHHH!" whilst clearing the area a little of the blighters. Meanwhile, the 'friendly' Bob-ombs were having a tiff because they didn't think red was a cool colour for them and anyway, those Bob-ombs were probably cousins twice removed or something.

"Just a quick question," said Mario. "What makes you so fast?"

"Oh, I bought these ultra-cool Koopa Mach 1 sprint shoes," said Koopa the Quick proudly. "It cost me 5000 coins, but they were worth it."

Mario's eyes bulged. "5000 COINS?"

Hace. T waved his megaphone irritably at the pair. "Let's get this show on the road. OK, action!"

Mario stepped forward. Koopa the Quick began to speak:

"Well, if it isn't Mario! Long time, no see. You've put on a few pounds since I last saw you. Too much pasta and lounging, huh? Anyway-"

"CUT!" screamed Hace. T. Pikachu127 stared at the timer. The race was not meant to be won by Mario in a time of 0:00:00. "Where has Mario gone?"

Koopa the Quick looked about, surprised by Mario's sudden disappearance.

"Bloody hell, that was fast…" he muttered.

"Umm… I'm not sure how I can explain this…"

OK, so how exactly did Mario get from the starting point to the flagpole as if he had warped there? And why was he wearing the Wing Cap? Hace. T facepalmed himself.

It wasn't much better when they moved onto Lethal Lava Land either. The Bullies that they had constructed had started going haywire and kept Mario blocked in a corner allowing no escape at all until somebody detonated them. Also, Mario managed to get stuck to the lava after a mishap of a dive. It hurt, apparently. Strange, it wasn't as if it was real lava. At least, he didn't think so.

And the way that Mario kept walking through walls. Real walls, not the CGI ones they had added when Mario was using the Invisibilty Cap. Who did he think he was, a Boo? If the Star Spirits had meant for people to walk through walls then they would not have invented doors. And the escalator for the 'endless stairs' kept breaking down too. He decided it was Mario's fault since he could reach the top with a nifty backwards long jump. He also decided that it would be good to turn in for the night; maybe things would be better tomorrow.

* * *

They weren't.

"Now quite how do you explain this?" asked a police officer, interrogating Hace. T in disbelief, indicating Mario in a holding cell. "This guy here has been running havoc through town, thinking that he is a zombie. After running into a Chain Chomp extremely fast; I shouldn't wonder. He doesn't even seem hurt. But really, I don't think that Mario acts like this under normal circumstances. Someone must have spiked his drink during filming. You're under arrest."

"What? What for?" screamed Hace. T.

"For the probable possession of drugs, I mean look at him!"

"…" Mario giggled. "Zombies want brains…"

"Give me strength..."

Then suddenly, a transformation occurred within the cell. Hace. T was agog.

"What the hell?"

* * *

It was early in the morning but nevertheless, Luigi was an early riser. He was already making breakfast and he was doing his speciality (except I can't tell you what it is because the recipe is a secret). The TV had just broadcasted the last of news and had cut straight to the adverts (Red Bull gives you wings! But so does the Wing Cap.)

"One or two with your breakfast, bro?" he yelled as Mario lumbered down the stairs still wearing his pyjamas.

"Three," Mario mumbled as he stretched himself. He heard a loud knocking at the door. "At this time? Oh, I'll get it."

Mario opened the door and was surprised to see a manic Lakitu wearing a Pikachu hat screaming all sorts of nonsense. Then he paused and took a close look at who he was addressing.

"Mario?" he said. "But… I thought you was down in the cells. After that whole zombie escapade."

Mario looked bemused as did Luigi when he came to see who it was. "Zombies? What the hell are you talking about? I've was here all day yesterday."

The Lakitu was now the bemused. "But… we've been doing the filming and stuff…"

"What film?"

Pikachu127 explained everything. Luigi snickered while Mario groaned in disbelief.

"What is he doing here?"

"Who?" said Luigi.

"The guy who doesn't like the letter 'p'."

"Oh!" said the Lakitu. "I wondered why he kept saying 'slick' a lot."

* * *

**That's why the film kept going wrong! There was an occult influence there after all! The above glitches by the way, include the Bully Blocker (they never give you time to escape in the original version of the game) and the awesome Super-fast-zombie-Mario's-health glitch. If you go to Bob-omb Battlefield and jump on the elevator with Mario's back against the wall and do a Backwards Long Jump, Mario will float in the air and he will slowly head upwards. When Mario reaches the top he'll run backwards very fast. Getting hurt will end the glitch. If you can steer Mario into the Chain Chomp, Mario's Health Meter will instantly drop to zero. However, Mario will still be able to move and finish the level (ends upon level completion) Mario will have endless health. Check the rest on MarioWiki. Thanks for reading!  
**


	16. Giga Jigglypuff!

**Ooh. We have a Super Smash Bros Brawl glitch this time round. I'm including this one since it involves Mario characters. I love this game by the way. :D**

* * *

**16. Giga Jigglypuff**

Life was good at the Smash Mansion; difficult, but good. Here they could hone their skills and perfect techniques and by battling other fighters, Smashers as they were known, they gained experience and respectability. It was amazing how all those from other worlds could meet up together like this thanks to the Warp Systems. They had all made new friends… and new foes of course but that was to be expected since the Smash Tournament wasn't just limited to heroes.

Luigi strolled around the Smash Mansion, feeling quite happy with himself. He had managed to complete what was known as Classic Mode under Intense conditions which had earned him major points and the expectation of some excellent rewards at the end of the tournament. Moreover, he had earned the thumbs up from Master Hand, the creator and host of this strange world. He was surprised but delighted at the same time; Master Hand was not known for his ability to be impressed. This was probably due to having to constantly cope with the antics of his brother Crazy Hand who delighted in all things destructive.

They were now in the Brawl Phase of the tournament and several major changes had been made including the arrival of the Newcomer Fighters with the likes of Olimar, Meta Knight, Pit, etc. R.O.B had also become a Smasher after years of patient waiting; he knew how it all worked due to his years of loyal service in the Super Smash Bros World. The concept of trophies was still a strange one but the Smashers had eventually got used to it. And the Final Smashes… they were something to be admired.

The Negative Zone. That twinned with his fighting skills had earned Luigi first place in the ranking list. Whiners like Wario assumed that he had been cheating but he had got there fair and square. Anyone looking at Luigi did not assume that he was a naturally good fighter; he did not look like fighter-material after all but his prowess was becoming fairly well-known. Luigi smiled; here he could be _appreciated._

His footsteps took him to the Lounge where many of the Smashers were currently watching the progress of a 15-minute brawl; a brutal and tiring event which so far, none of them had managed to complete. Even Luigi had never managed it although he had come close: 3 minutes and 29 seconds left on the clock to be exact. Meta Knight was the one testing himself today, his sword Galaxia was making marvellous work of the Alloys although his damage counter was high. Luigi was good friends with Meta Knight much to the bemusement of the other Smashers but they often trained together and he received good advice from the veteran warrior.

Luigi flopped onto the couch next to Yoshi who congratulated him on his epic win. Luigi nodded tiredly and accepted the bowl of snacks from Yoshi. There wasn't much left in it as Yoshi was going to partake in a match soon. And when Yoshi was nervous he ate.

"Don't worry, Yoshi," he said. "You'll be fine. You made good work of King Dedede in the last match. Who are you going up against this time?"

"Jigglypuff," whispered Yoshi with the tones of horror as one might use when referring to the executioner. _Their_ executioner.

Luigi frowned slightly. Despite her diminutive appearance; she was a startlingly good fighter. That pink puffball of a Pokémon, who looked so cute, could drive terror in the hearts of men.

… Perhaps that is a slight exaggeration but she was a tough opponent.

"Just concentrate and do your best," said Luigi as he tickled Yoshi's chin. He always liked that; it was comforting. "I hear that you'll be going on the Bridge of Eldin. That's not too bad; you only have to look out for that Moblin and that explosive pack."

"I suppose so…"

The lounge was emptying now as poor Meta Knight got blasted out of the arena by a well-aimed punch with a damage counter of 297%. However, there was some commotion going on behind him namely between Ganondorf and Kirby. Luigi sensed trouble.

"Bwahahahaha!" laughed the King of Evil. "You expect to be beat me in battle, little pipsqueak? Who are you to stand up to the almighty king of darkness?"

Kirby, who was wearing Captain Falcon's helmet (as a result of an earlier argument leading to Kirby swallowing and copying his ability), growled; a most unusual sound, and said: "Don't even try me or I'll send you to the ninth oblivion."

This only made Ganondorf laugh even louder. This runt wanted to challenge him! "Don't be so stupid! You can't defeat me and you know it you fat marshmallow."

Luigi and Yoshi exchanged nervous looks. He had done it now.

Kirby's eyes blazed. "DON'T. CALL. ME. MARSHMALLOW!"

Luigi and Yoshi winced as Ganondorf was struck violently in an area where no male wished to be struck. Especially as Kirby was practically head height with that… area.

"He'll be alright with some food," said Yoshi conversationally as Ganondorf was pummelled face first into the floor, screaming for mercy.

"Sure. But Ganondorf was asking for it." Now he was being smashed into the wall as if he was a baseball bat. He had also been set on fire. "Ooh, I bet that hurt."

Ganondorf, now enraged, lunged towards the pink marshmallow (oops, I mean puffball) but Kirby was charging up what was famously known as a FALCON PAWWNCH! Knowing that this method made the move more powerful, Kirby faced away from his opponent, jumped backward and did his FALCON PAWWNCH!, quickly turning the other way just as Ganondorf reached him. Ganondorf was sent flying out of the building, screaming like a girly although strangely enough, Kirby was also sent flying upwards, also screaming his head off as he crashed into the ceiling and was stuck there.

"That shouldn't have happened," said Yoshi. The speakers then came to life.

"_Calling to Smasher Yoshi. Please report to Warp Station 7 for your 4-minute timed match against Jigglypuff. Calling to Smasher Yoshi. Please report to Warp Station 7 for your 4-minute timed match against Jigglypuff. Thank you." _

Luigi glanced upwards. "I'll get him down, you get going. And good luck with your match!"

"Thanks, Luigi," said Yoshi nervously as he raced to the Warp Room and entered Warp Station 7. He was instantaneously transported to the Bridge of Eldin. Jigglypuff was already there waiting at the other end. She smiled.

"Meet your worst nightmare. Mwahahahahaha!"

Yoshi gulped.

The announcer gave his usual spiel to the excited audience before beginning the countdown. "3, 2, 1, GO!"

Yoshi charged forwards and tried to headbutt Jigglypuff but she floated out of his way and punched him on his sensitive nose. He yelped and leapt back, considering his tactics. He rolled up into an egg and rammed into Jigglypuff with success. He then wailed on her with kicks and punches; she managed to get a few hits in but not as many as Yoshi. A beam sword fell onto the Bridge of Eldin. Yoshi noticed it and immediately went for it, just getting out of range from Jigglypuff's sleep attack. This was a formidable weapon in the right hands. It gave a satisfying _vroom_ as he struck her with the sword. Jigglypuff's eyes were red with fury.

"You'll pay for that one, dino-breath," she hissed. She used her Rollout technique on Yoshi, slamming Yoshi into the ground. He lost his grip on the weapon and watched it spin off stage. Yoshi was now furious, he was not about to let that pink puffball get the better of him!

"You don't know what you're dealing with!" snapped Yoshi as he launched an egg at her. It smacked Jigglypuff straight in her face. The Mr. Saturn thrown at Yoshi after wards was light in comparison.

They scrapped with each other for some time and heard the horn of King Bulbin as he prepared to make his charge down the bridge. He was coming at quite a speed as well. Yoshi grabbed the puffball with his tongue and threw her straight in the path of his steed before leaping out of the way himself. She got trampled. Yoshi grinned; this fight was actually going well!

A bomb barrel was dumped in the middle of the bridge and it promptly exploded making part of the bridge collapse into the abyss. Yoshi and Jigglypuff were on separate sides of the gap. He stuck his tongue out at her. Then suddenly, out of blue, a Smash Ball appeared! They granted Smashers the ability to activate their Final Smash, an awesomely powerful move that made KOs very effective.

Yoshi leapt in the air at the same time as Jigglypuff, they both fought for the wonderful item. Yoshi struck it a couple of times but not enough to break it. Jigglypuff then kicked Yoshi out of the way forcing him downwards; he just managed to grab at the end of the bridge. Jigglypuff then gave the ball a solid punch and grabbed its power. Yoshi pulled himself onto the bridge and sighed. He could still attack her though and hopefully force the Smash Ball out.

Above the brawling pair, black matter began to form, a sign that the bridge was about to be fixed. Yoshi kicked Jigglypuff off the bridge, hoping to send her into the abyss before the bridge was fixed. This was when Jigglypuff decided to activate her power. She began to inflate to epic proportions. She cackled merrily.

"FOOL! I WILL NOW EAT YOUR SOUL FOR BREAKFAST!"

Yoshi gaped. She had clearly been hanging about with Zelda too much. She said weird things like that.

But then, as Jigglypuff was still inflating, the bridge was suddenly whole again. She bounced up upon the bridge. The Smash Ball should have gone then. But then, she remained giant. Yoshi twitched, this shouldn't have happened either.

(Luigi was watching the footage and frowned. What was going on here? He ran off to inform Master Hand.)

Jigglypuff was confused as well but she shrugged this off and cackled some more.

"WITH THIS ABILITY, I CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND YOU SHALL BE MY LITTLE PLAY-THING. OR MY SNACK. I DON'T REALLY CARE WHICH."

"Mummy…" he whimpered.

Jigglypuff's range was a lot bigger now. However, she also made a bigger target. Yoshi, acting on instinct, shot out his tongue and swallowed her up, turning her into a giant egg.

"Get out of that if you can!" he laughed.

Jigglypuff broke out though. She had also gotten bigger.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WATCH NOW AS I SEND YOU TO YOUR DOOM!"

Panicking, Yoshi swallowed her again and again. Each time, she grew enormous and her movement grew slower. The KO range was pretty close for her.

"NOBODY CAN STOP ME IN THIS FORM!" she drawled. "I BET EVEN MASTER HAND CAN'T STOP ME IN THIS FORM!"

She then plummeted towards Yoshi and made to throw him upwards. Unfortunately, she forgot the height of her throwing move and promptly sent them both flying off the stage. But she had gotten so big.

Bigger. Bigger. BIGGER. **BIGGER!**

_Pop._

* * *

"And this happened how?" intoned Master Hand.

Luigi shrugged. He hadn't understood either. Master Hand sighed and took a deep draught from his cuppa. (Luigi tried not to stare. Where in the hell did the liquid go?)

"Are Yoshi and Jigglypuff with Dr. Mario now?"

Luigi didn't need to answer as they heard Yoshi's voice screaming from below.

"KEEP ME AWAY FROM HER! SHE'S MAD. MAD! SHE WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND MAKE MINCEMEAT OF ME! I'M TELLING YOU, SHE'S CRAZY, SHE WANTS TO EAT MY SOUL FOR BREAKFAST!"

Luigi raised an eyebrow.

If Master Hand was able to, he would have facepalmed himself.

They got better.

* * *

**The glitch is pretty much explained in the text but this can also occur with any other character that has a transformation type smash. For example, R.O.B's Final Smash becomes permanent unless he is somehow KO'ed. The business with Kirby and Captain Falcon's ability is a glitch too, described in the text. Don't know why that happens though. 'Tis a very cool game.**


	17. Super Mario Galaxy 2 Behind the Scenes

**Seems that the 'Behind the Scenes' specials are becoming quite popular. Well then, here is another one! And since Doopliss has been requested, he makes a special guest appearance too. **

* * *

**Chapter 17: Super Mario Galaxy 2- Behind the Scenes**

"Ha, yes! Woot! Get in there! Guess what? I can do this and you can't! In your face, man!"

"Luigi, shut up," said Mario, clearly annoyed. He had heard this many times before. And he was not allowed to hit his brother since they were about to start filming again soon. Worst luck.

"Who's the daddy? Who's the daddy? Uhuh! You're not gonna get any better jumps from anybody else besides me, baby!"

"Hey, I was born for jumping," said Yoshi was currently on his tenth snack break, much to the woe of the director, Loopy the Luma. His mouth was stuffed full of fruits and Bowser's secret stash of super chocolate (soon enough, he would discover that this was missing and wreak revenge. Or get someone else to do it for him anyway). "Us Yoshis are about the jumpiest creatures that you can get. I could probably do that."

"OK, I bet 10 coins that you can't. Go on, cross my palms with gold, why don't you?"

"Carry on with that, Luigi and you're gonna sound like Wario," Mario sighed as he tried to concentrate on the videos he was watching on his laptop; 'Sonic For Hire.' It seemed that in this episode, Kirby was a ruthless murderer, revelling in the cause of eating victims while Sonic was out of a job due to his failures in the 3D market. _(Ha, Mario had to smirk with satisfaction at that.)_ But seriously, who came up with this crap?

"This umbrella works wonders for _murdering!_" warbled Kirby as he battered the poor Noddy creature to death. Gods, what a horrible voice.

"I hope Kirby hasn't seen this…" Mario muttered to himself. The Kirby he knew was perpetually cheery, perpetually friendly and perpetually hungry. Hmm, rather like Yoshi then.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Yoshi screamed as he plummeted down into the black abyss of Flip-Swap Galaxy after completely failing his jump. A very annoyed Lakitu had to fish him from said abyss and berated the pair of them for messing about with the set props and bottomless pits. Yoshi was even more annoyed when he had to fork out the cash to Luigi.

"It's all about timing," said Luigi as he gratefully pocketed the wager. "You have to be on a non-flipping platform then you run towards an empty space that a flipping platform flips to. Then just as you run into that empty space, you spin to flip the platform. _Then_ you do a long jump just before it stops moving and voila, super-jump!"

"Ah, well, I can't quite get the spin right," said Yoshi as he settled back on stable ground.

"I love doing the super-jump," said Luigi wistfully.

"Brilliant, Sonic! Doesn't it feel wonderful? Like flying a kite in a BURNING POPPY FIELD!" Mario snickered to himself then felt ashamed at doing so for the sake of Kirby.

He then noticed Luigi and Yoshi staring at him.

"What the hell are you watching, bro?" said Luigi with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothing!" said Mario, quickly shutting down his laptop. "And anyway, just because you can manage the super-jump and I haven't yet…"

"Ah, lads!" said Gaffer the Goomba. "Ye best get away from the flipping props 'cos the technical guys have had a nightmare in keeping the flippin' things flippin' and ye don't want Loopy going after yer head for a platter."

"True, true," said Mario as he got up and accompanied Gaffer back to the caravans with Luigi and Yoshi. "Mind you, a few things seem to be going haywire recently."

"Aye," said Gaffer darkly. "I bet you there's a prankster about this set! If ye find 'im, Mario, give 'im a good whupping from me!"

"Will do."

They were going to film several scenes today upon the orders of Loopy. He had also directed the critically-acclaimed Super Mario Galaxy and had decided to follow it up with a sequel (hey, it was a blockbuster; that practically guaranteed a sequel and the Luma could already smell the greenbacks). They found Loopy muttering to himself with a copy of the script sat before him. The vehicles began to move as soon as the gang arrived; they were heading towards their next location now. Bowser was currently sleeping; looking no less evil than he was awake and Peach was still in a huff.

"I don't see why I should be the damsel-in-distress again!" she snapped. "I am getting sick of being type-cast! For goodness' sake, can't you give me another role?"

"No can do," said Loopy. "The script was done ages ago."

"Besides, seeing that you're a princess, what else can you do besides getting kidnapped?"

There was sudden silence as Peach slowly turned to faced Mario whose voice she had heard. Mario started waving his hands wildly.

"I swear I didn't say that!" he cried. "My lips didn't move. That wasn't me!"

"Oh, yes, can I even tell under that scraggy moustache of yours?" growled Peach.

After a very uncomfortable silence and one fast journey, Luigi announced brightly: "I think we've arrived now, hurrah, see you outside, Mario!"

Luigi and Yoshi did the sensible thing and scarpered to the new location outside, thanking the heavens that it was a quick journey. Loopy muttered something about celebrities before joining them.

"Did you just insult my moustache?" said Mario icily. Nobody insulted the moustache. Ever.

"Well, what do you expect, you saying that?"

"Bimbo."

"You did it again!" screeched Peach before launching herself at Mario.

"Somebody else said that not me! ARRRRGH! I'M BEING ATTACKED!"

"Hey, will you two lovebirds fight elsewhere?" Bowser grumbled as he was awakened from his slumber. "Sheesh, and I thought I was supposed to be the angry, fighting one."

"Remember Brawl?" gasped Mario as he was being throttled by Peach. "Don't think I'll take it easy on you just because you're a princess!"

Bowser blanched. "Not Brawl…" he whispered, remembering her tyrannical behaviour influenced by Princess Zelda and the like. "Ooh, owned," he said as Mario was floored by a punch on the fizzog. "See you guys later."

Somewhere, in the shadows, a little voice snickered to itself most heartily:

"How do you like them apples, slick? There's so much fun to be had in causing trouble! Hahahahahahahaha!"

* * *

"Cut," Loopy sighed irritably as he ordered a Lakitu to fish Mario out of the lava. Mario clearly should not have fallen through the lava like that; lava was gloopy and lava was supposed to be _hot,_ damnit. How on earth did the plumber end up stuck between the lava and the abyss he would never know causing said falling although Mario swore that something had robbed him of his health meter and had caught his long jump off guard. It didn't help that Luigi and Yoshi were killing themselves laughing. The sequel, they reckoned, was far superior to the original since Luigi had only a very minor part and Yoshi hadn't been in it _at all._ They were enjoying themselves immensely.

"Sometimes, I wonder why I have you for a brother," said Mario as the lava mixture was being hose-piped off him. "I swear you deliberately pushed me off. ARGH! BLOODY HELL THAT'S FREEZING!"

"And I swear that I was with Yoshi on the other side of the Shiverburn Galaxy," said Luigi, raising his palms as a sign of innocence.

"It's true," said Gaffer. "I was spraying the dry ice that way."

"Do I have to be a villain again?" moaned Bowser. "I'm being as typecast as Peach here!"

"Yes," she said, staring icily at Mario who covered his mouth just to be on the safe side.

"Shut up and practise your lines," said Loopy.

"_GAH! Give it up already! Why won't you stop trying to mess up my awesome master plan?" _Bowser duly intoned. "Hey, do you think that this would be a good plan for world domination purposes? I bet that even Mario wouldn't be able to stop me with that one!"

"Well, since you're a fatso, ugly, lard-bucket, yes, I would be able to stop you and stomp you into space bits!"

The next few minutes was spent with Bowser trying to incinerate Mario with Mario ferociously fighting back, shouting that he had never said a word with Luigi trying to separate them both. In the end, he left them to it and Bowser declared that he absolutely needed his secret stash of super chocolate. However…

"_What. The Hell._ GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! ALRIGHT! WHO HAS BEEN AT MY CHOCOLATE STASH! WHICH ONE OF YOU BUGGERS ATE MY CHOCOLATE?"

Mario and Luigi pointed at Yoshi who muttered under his breath and said: "Thanks a bunch, guys…" Bowser was about to charge at him when he saw another Yoshi on the scene who pointed back at Mario who pointed at Peach who pointed at Loopy who pointed at Luigi who pointed at Bowser and Yoshi leaving everyone very confused.

"Alright, what's going on here?" said Loopy. "I clearly note that I am employing only one Yoshi at the moment, not two. My food bills would be sky-high. So who ate the chocolate? And which one is the real Yoshi?"

"I am!" they both exclaimed. Luigi face-palmed himself. Mario was looking thoughtful.

"I knew that there was something else here besides us…" he muttered to himself. "I told you I never said those words to you earlier, Peach."

"Oh, well, in that case, I forgive you."

"You busted my nose!" Mario cried. "And you say you forgive me?"

"OK, I admit it!" cried Yoshi. "I ate the chocolate! But I swear I didn't know it was the super stuff!"

"Hmph. You expect me to believe that?" said Bowser.

"Are you sure you didn't eat it yourself?" asked Mario.

"No. What do you take me for a chump?"

"He tricked me into eating it!" said the… other Yoshi. "He's the guilty one, I'm telling you! He's lying!"

"Hmm…" said Luigi, thinking to himself. "This reminds me of a puzzle."

"Look, we're supposed to be filming Super Mario Galaxy 2 not Professor Layton's Adventures!" snapped Loopy. "Let's get on with the show!"

"No, wait, let me think… One person is telling the truth, the other two are lying. But who is telling the truth?"

"I never lie," said Yoshi.

"He's lying! I'm telling the truth!" growled Bowser.

"Bowser's lying, I'm the honest one!" said the... other Yoshi.

Luigi pondered over this puzzle for a few seconds, strolling up and down deep in thought, muttering to himself, "Consider this puzzle solved." Then he dramatically pointed his finger at Bowser.

"B is the correct answer! Er… that is to say, Bowser is telling the truth."

"What?" they all cried while Bowser punched the air triumphantly.

"Well," said Luigi. "The only way for there to be just one person telling the truth is if what Bowser says is true. If Yoshi is telling the truth, then Yoshi Number 2's statement that Bowser is a liar also becomes true. On the other hand, if Yoshi Number 2 is telling the truth, then Bowser's statement that Yoshi is a liar becomes true. In both cases you end up with two truth-tellers and one liar, so the only possible solution is that Bowser is the one telling the truth. Critical thinking is the key to success," he added, feeling very pleased with himself.

Yoshi sighed. "Well… I knew that it was the super stuff really although I was actually given it by someone. He looked to be wearing a white sheet."

"And you can't resist food," said Peach.

"Wait, a white sheet?" Mario cried. "Just who are you, other Yoshi?"

The… other Yoshi frowned and shed his disguise before their very eyes, revealing himself to be…

"Ha, yes! It is I, Doo- Oops, almost gave away my name there."

"We already know what you're called. You're Doo_liss. Hey, why can't I pronounce the other letter?" said Mario, aghast.

"Got you there haven't I, slick?" said Doo_liss. "I have secured my name now so I have my powers strengthened again. Pretty cool, am I right? Yeah, of course it is! This place has been great for spreading my pranks! That's why those meteors were frozen in midair when you were looking at them amongst other things."

"Dang it! I knew something was wrong with that," said Loopy the Luma.

"I'm gonna take over your body again, slick," said Doo_liss laughing. "I loved being you; it gave me credentials and everything! Or should I be you this time?" he said, turning towards Luigi. "I hear you have a massive fan club now."

"You didn't mention that to me," said Mario.

"You got cake from the president of my fan club," said Luigi. _"Remember?"_

"Hold on," said Yoshi. He had fired up Mario's laptop and was currently searching the web. "Haven't you forgotten, Doo_liss? Everyone knows how to discover your name now and I can just look up Mario Wiki…"

Doo_liss blanched. "Don't do it!" he cried.

Yoshi grinned widely. "Your name's Doopliss!"

Doopliss screamed. "CURSE YOU INTERNET! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO REVEAL MY NAME TO EVERYBODY? MY POWERS WILL BE LOST AGAIN!"

Doopliss, with Mario chasing him, brandishing a hammer, left the scene, ruing the day the internet came into being. Loopy shook his head at the craziness of it all and asked everyone to please return to filming, _or else._

* * *

Much to Loopy's delight, Super Mario Galaxy 2 was a massive success with Luigi and Yoshi getting plenty of screen time and Mario having his romantic scenes with Peach while the CGI effects made Bowser a hell of lot bigger than he actually was for that epic final battle. It was amazing what you could do with special effects nowadays.

However, it wasn't until they were watching the film at the premiere that Loopy noticed something rather… unusual. During the credits, where Mario and Luigi were doing their back flips on the crescent moon, someone was making the moon rise up. Both of the plumbers fell off and were unable to transport back to the moon, leaving them suspended in a bubble until the end of the credits. He was sure that he was imagining things but he could only see the flags of Peach's castle at the end rather than the whole castle.

"Doopliss!" he growled under his breath.

He was also sure that he could hear a small voice cackling: "Slick!"

* * *

**Stupid and crazy stories R us! :D Bowser also likes chocolate. That 'puzzle' is Number 72 in Professor Layton and the Curious Village by the way, albeit with A, B and C. Now if you do the moon thing, the credits graphics get messed up. Luigi has already explained the Flip-Swap super-jump glitch. The Shiverburn Galaxy meteors freeze in midair when you look at them in first-person (weird…). And you can fall through lava if you have one wedge of health left and you jump onto the lava, get burned and still manage to fall into the abyss. You see Mario falling through the lava as opposed to just his silhouette.**

**Pretty cool, am I right? :D**

**Note: I watched the Sonic For Hire: Kirby episode quite by accidnet. Poor Kirby...**


	18. Melee Madness

**Hurrah, an update at last! Technically, this isn't a Mario game per se but it does involve Mario characters so that's alright. :D Hindsight is a wonderful thing by the way.**

* * *

**18. Melee Madness**

Fighting in the Melee tournament had been a satisfactory and often quite fun experience for many of the combatants, officially known as Smashers. From the varied matches, be they Time, Stock or Coin, they had been given free rein to practise their fighting skills, heighten their abilities, become one with their own powers and generally kick the asses of their greatest foes. That was always good.

Master Hand had already informed the Smashers that the next tournament was to be called the 'Brawl' stage with the inclusion of new combatants, new stages, new items and a secret special item that was whispered to be called the 'Final Smash.' How intriguing…

Alas, a couple of the Smashers were going to be leaving for good at the end of the tournament although to be brutally honest, this was no bad thing. Mewtwo was about the most depressing guy you could ever meet, always whining on about destiny and so forth, Dr. Mario was retiring much to Mario's relief as it saved confusion, Young Link was taking a hike so Adult Link was no longer befuddled by the whole time travel thing. Roy, meanwhile, was a great big snob (once, he had the audacity to insult Peach's cooking. Rest assured that he made this mistake only once) and Pichu was leaving because the idiot kept damaging himself. Pikachu heartily cheered at this news once it reached his black-tipped ears and immediately started preparing a party.

"Boo-yah!" he shouted, punching the air as he merrily skipped down the carpeted corridor towards the main hall of the Smash Mansion (which was also going to see some upgrades). "Give me five, man for those guys are _history,_ dudes! _History!"_

"Keep your voice down," Yoshi hissed. "Mewtwo could do you in you know."

"Pah!" Pikachu snickered. "He thinks he's so badass because he's the ultimate Pokémon or whatever! What he doesn't know is that I have been secretly learning Dark Pulse so I can whup him into Final Destination!"

"Yeah, but that isn't part of your move set," Yoshi pointed out.

Pikachu sniggered. "Who said I was going to use that in a battle?"

The pair entered the main hall where some of their fellow Smashers were already congregated; some were practising moves on each other while others were idly watching the television, observing the team battle between Fox and Peach on one side and Falco and Bowser on the other at Hyrule Castle. Nobody apart from Yoshi and Pikachu seemed to notice the mock battle between Mr Game and Watch and Ness. Mr Game and Watch had actually caught three PK flashes with his Oil Panic. He was cackling manically; not a good sign.

"**Heheheheheheheh! Now I shall blast you to oblivion with my almighty- ARRRRGGGHH!"**

"Cackling only leads to certain trouble," said Yoshi wisely as the 2D Smasher was blasted through the roof for no reason whatsoever. "I wonder what an almighty arrgh is?"

"I wonder what it's like to be 2D all the time?" muttered Pikachu. "He must feel flattened… That was a joke by the way," he said when Yoshi didn't laugh.

"Damn you!" screeched Master Hand who was waving his… fist, er, himself at the speck in the sky? "You'll pay for that hole!" Then he went to have a cup of tea.

"Where the hell does that tea actually go?" questioned Yoshi as Master Hand slurped down his drink. "I mean, he holds it like everyone else but he doesn't have a mouth and oh my god, he's having biscuits. He's a hand! Where the bugger do the biscuits go?"

"Cosmic interference," said Pikachu, waving a hand. "Ooh, that was nasty. Wowsers…"

"What?"

"Ultra-massive turnip damage from Peach," said Pikachu gravely, knowing her disposition that she could be really bad-tempered at times. And she was supposed to be a sweet princess…

"Turnips suck," said Yoshi. "Give me fruit any day."

"Sod you; you eat anything," Pikachu scoffed. "But Fox and Falco have just been constantly reflecting those Super Scope shots from Bowser's infinite Super Scope-"

"I remember the Super Scope," said Yoshi. "Lord knows, my career went way down after my awesome introduction in Super Mario World. I mean a Mario shoot-em-up. Can you believe that? And then Mario had piled on the pounds, gave me backache and…"

"Anyway!" said Pikachu continuing. "She's just been tossing turnips into that beam of light and they stayed there after the beam of light stopped. And Bowser's just committed suicide by jumping into those turnips. It was over 900!"

"… Sorry but that's not as catchy as over 9000!" Yoshi pulled an epic pose while saying this.

"No; over 900% damage, you twit."

"Ha!" Peach yelled triumphantly as Bowser zoomed from out of sight. "You'll think twice about kidnapping me again you bastard! You haven't the balls to take me on!" Mario covered his eyes with sheer embarrassment and missed the part where she kicked Falco in the you-know-wheres. Everybody else winced and Fox was glad that he was with her instead of against her.

"Mummy…" Falco moaned in a high-pitched voice before keeling over. Master Hand declared Peach and Fox the winners.

"I am so glad I'm not fighting her," said Yoshi as he clapped the winners along with everyone else. "I'm up against Kirby in a tick."

"What? The marshmallow?"

"I swear to goodness that the next person who calls me a marshmallow is going to be boiled alive in a pot courtesy of Cook Kirby."

Pikachu slowly turned around and saw the little puffball glaring menacingly at him. He grinned; such an evil smile for one who was supposed to be the epitome of cute; a position that Pikachu was constantly battling Kirby for.

"You really shouldn't call me that or I'll devour you like one of these maggots and steal your powers!"

Pikachu screamed and ran away leaving Kirby laughing and Yoshi trying not to laugh.

"You've been watching Sonic For Hire again haven't you?" Yoshi asked.

"Yep. But imagine if I was like that in real life; that would be horrible! I hope Sonic doesn't come here though; he's so smarmy and gay!"

After a lengthy chat about what they would do to Sonic if he ever appeared in the 'Brawl' tournament; Kirby and Yoshi made their way to the Green Greens Stage and prepared to fight in a timed match.

"Ready… set… GO!" announced the... er... Announcer.

Yoshi and Kirby charged at each other with the intent of doing as much damage as possible for only one could be the victor in this battle, baby. It seemed to be going well for Yoshi when suddenly, he was caught by the incredible suction powers of Kirby and he went inside that cavernous mouth, screaming all the way. Kirby fought the urge to actually eat Yoshi for dinosaur meat was supposed to be very tasty and instead copied Yoshi's powers.

"Ha! I have successfully copied your powers!" laughed Kirby as he now donned a nifty Yoshi hat.

"Not that much different from your inhaling powers," sniffed Yoshi. "You're still eating me."

"True, but I can turn you into an egg."

And without warning, Kirby swallowed Yoshi, licking his lips as he did so.

"Oww! Indigestion!" he cried as Yoshi tried to madly fight his way out of Kirby's stomach. "Stop kicking me there! Yeowch!"

Kirby then ejected Yoshi out trapped in an egg although the Y'oster broke out very quickly. Yoshi growled and began throwing his own eggs at Kirby (please note ladies and gentlemen that despite this habit, Yoshi is actually a male and does not take kindly to being called a girly). Kirby noticed that something was amiss however.

"Eggscellent idea," said Yoshi (the author facepalmed herself for such an awful joke), "But I can easily break out of that!"

"Er, Yoshi?" He received a face full of egg and shortly afterwards, a face full of apple as Whispy Woods decided to shed its violent weaponry.

"Ha! How do you like them apples?"

Kirby swallowed Yoshi again for this cheek and again Yoshi broke free. But something was definitely wrong.

"Wow, you must have got a Super Mushroom," said Yoshi. "You've gotten bigger but they don't last long!"

"Uhhh… actually, it's you whose shrinking Yoshi."

Then suddenly, an idea occurred to Kirby. Hell, it would be way easy to smash Yoshi off the stage if he was teensy weensy. He kept sucking Yoshi up much to the dino's anger.

"What if I never grow back to my normal size?" he squeaked as sure enough, he was even smaller than a Mr Saturn. "The food will be bigger than me!"

"All the more for me then!" Kirby chuckled. "Hey, where have you gone?"

Yoshi, it seemed, was now pixel-sized and Kirby was only alerted to his presence when a hammer appeared to bed moving of its own accord.

"DIE, YOU PINK BASTARD!" shouted Yoshi. "This is for making me so tiny that I feel like I'm in the Minish Cap or something!"

"We do not fight to the death!" intoned a voice from above. "Not quite anyway."

"Master Hand?" said the pair, bemused. "What are you doing here?"

"I do not know!" he growled, finding it near impossible to move. "One minute I was in my office, the next, some bugger from another dimension has forced me into battle and now I can't stop these lasers!"

Kirby and Yoshi were then blasted off stage by the lasers of death. Master Hand first blamed Crazy Hand for this but then he thought and pointed to the very computer screen that you are sitting at; reading his very words.

"IT WAS YOU!" he yelled. "I blame you lot for taking control of me by glitching the character selection process and making me do stupid things! I'm gonna cry now!"

So there you have it. It was your fault.

* * *

**Oo-er. Master Hand is not happy at all. But this is how you do that glitch:**

***Place your main controller on the player 3 slot (Master Hand only moves as Player 3)**

*** Select an event that you can 'choose any character'.**

*** Go to the name list and go down to Name entry, but don't go there yet.**

*** Tap B to remove the list.**

*** Open the list again and during the time the list is revealing, hold the B button and quickly get the cursor to Name entry.**

*** When you hear the cancel sound effect tap the A button on Name entry ASAP so that it will take you to the next screen and play as Master Hand.**

**The rest are fairly self-explanatory although you're best watching a video about the infinite Super Scope glitch. And the Game and Watch bit. Thanks for reading again!**


	19. Skip the Mack

**Ever played Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars? Thank goodness for the Wii because this game is great. Couldn't say for certain whether this is a glitch or not but either way, it is cool. :D**

* * *

**19. Skip the Mack**

"You know," said Mario, more to himself than his new partner, Mallow. "It really does get tiring having to rescue the Princess all the time. What does she pay her guards for anyway? They do practically nothing and when the castle is attacked, they run about screaming their heads off. What do you think, Mallow?"

"Pretty butterflies…" said Mallow, frolicking through the grass in Toad Town or what was known to the rest of the world as the Mushroom Kingdom. "I know, let's do the Fluff-Fluff!"

"And is that going to help us get the princess back, little marshmallow?"

"Sorry, what were you saying, Mario?"

"Never mind."

Mario sighed and stood up, wringing his cap out once more before placing it on his still damp hair. At least the kid wasn't crying now. Who knew that a rain of tears could be so literal? Mario had only agreed to help the little cloud to stop him crying for fear of drowning in a torrential downpour. Now he wondered whether he should have just fled in the first place. Seriously, heroes needed to be more serious.

"We need to get to the castle," he announced. "I suspect that the Shysters have infested the castle as well."

"What makes you think that, Mario?" asked Mallow as a Shyster went bouncing past on a pogo stick clutching a bag holding the crown jewels.

"Oh, no reason."

So Mario and Mallow raced up to the castle or at least Mario did for Mallow was skipping merrily behind him, clearly happy that he had got back his Frog Coin from some petty thief named Croco. The kid needed toughening up; that was for sure. Mario cracked his knuckles; he knew that he was going to fight a boss sooner or later and he needed the experience points. But what he didn't understand was that every time he started a new adventure, he had very few experience points. He reckoned that he should have been a level 100 by now after all the adventures he had been on.

"Oh, wow!" Mallow exclaimed as they entered the glorious castle. "Just look at that!"

"I know, I didn't think there would be so many enemies here," said Mario.

"No, the castle is so lovely!" gushed Mallow. "I wish I lived in a castle like this. Imagine if I was a prince… that would be so cool…"

"Well forgive me if I do not leap with joy, bad back you know," said Mario, rolling his eyes.

"BOING! BOING! BOING!" The cries of the bouncing Shysters rang throughout the castle.

He, tagged along by Mallow, began to explore the castle, searching for any signs of who might be the boss since this ragtag group were not likely to be leaderless. Without realising the direction he was going in, he inadvertently ended up in Princess Peach's bedroom. (Hey, he was on first name terms with her much to the slight disapproval of the Chancellor because it infringed on royal courtesy and so forth.) Several of the Princess's attendants were here, cowering like daisies and hiding out of the way of the rogue Shysters; the only place that they had not decided to trash.

Mario walked up to the Chief Attendant Toad and was about to ask him for information when suddenly said Toad piped up:

"You may NOT sleep in the Princess's bed. Have you no manners?"

_What the hell?_ Mario thought, clearly befuddled. _How did he know about that? ... Ahem. I mean, why is he bringing that up now? I'm going to be heroic and liberate these idiotic Toads from their plight._

"Toad," said Mario soothingly. "Have you seen someone who may be ordering these Shysters about so I can put a stop to this?" _And then I can get the hell out of here to find Peach._

"How the hell should I know?" cried the Toad. "Isn't it a hero's job to find these things out? I'm just a coward, Mario; I don't do things like that!"

"Thank you for your lack of help," said Mario through gritted teeth. He swept himself away from the bedroom with Mallow closely following him behind. He was quite impressed when he saw Mario punch one of the bouncing Shysters into the roof before wielding the left-behind pogo stick like a sword to any others who dared to try and cross his path.

Ah, yes, the throne room. That was the most likely place for these little pests. Indeed, there were two Shyster Guards blocking the doors to that very room. They also seemed to be as reliable as Toad Guards which meant that they were not very reliable at all. One of them was busy picking his nose while the other was singing a merry little tune to himself.

"_The wonderful thing about Shysters_

_Is Shysters are wonderful things_

_Their masks are made out of rubber_

_Their pogos are made out of springs_

_They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy_

_Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!_

_But the most wonderful thing about Shysters_

_Is that we're the coolest ones!_

_The wonderful thing about Shysters_

_Is Shysters are wonderful chaps_

_They're loaded with vim and with vigour_

_They love to leap in your laps_

_They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy pouncy_

_Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN_

_But the most wonderful thing about Shysters_

_Is that we're the coolest ones!_

_Shysters are wonderful fellahs._

_Shysters are awfully sweet._

_Everyone else is jealous,_

_And that's why I repeat..._

_The wonderful thing about Shysters_

_Are Shysters are wonderful things_

_Their masks are made out of rubber_

_Their pogos are made out of springs_

_They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy_

_Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!_

_But the most wonderful thing about Shysters_

_Is that we're the coolest ones._

_We're the coolest ones!_

_(WAHAHAHOOOOOOO!)"_

The Shyster giggled to himself; humoured by the joys of children's animation. Shysters were indeed bouncy, trouncy, flouncy and pouncy…. Except Mario was even more bouncy, trouncy, flouncy and pouncy and promptly bounced and trounced and flounced and pounced the pair into the floor; thus ending the possible career of a singing sensation.

"I wish I could do that…" Mallow sighed. "Heh, I'm a tadpole and I can't jump one little bit; how embarrassing is that?"

Well, unless fluffy cloud people were actually frogs in disguise, then Mallow needed to go to Specsavers but he declined to comment and wrenched the doors open. Here Mario and Mallow entered the throne room noticing two lines of bouncing Shysters on either side of the room with some little red guy on what appeared to be a bouncing knife at the end of the room. His name was Mack and he was guarding a star. Nice.

"MACKIE! MACKIE!" screamed one of the little Shysters. Mario froze. Had they been spotted?

"What is it?" Mack groaned.

"I wanna pway with the funny people wunning awound! This pawty is da bestest ever! Grandpa Smithy is so much fun! Can I go? Pwetty, pwetty pwease?"

"Yeah, yeah, shoo kid, go on," said Mack. "Sure I would love to go bouncing with ya but I gots to hold dis stupid glowing thingummy. Have fun, kid."

"Yays!" squealed the little Shyster. "I'm gonna bounce on the Toady-Woadies! Thank you, Mackie!"

The cheery little fellow zipped past Mario and Mallow without a second glance and even now, none of the Shysters had actually noticed the pair.

"Are these guys blind or something?" said Mario. "How come they haven't noticed us?"

"Maybe their masks have also covered their eyes?" said Mallow uncertainly.

Mario patted Mallow on the head.

"That was the first sensible thing you said."

Mallow beamed with pride.

Mario saw that the Chancellor had scurried in the corner out of the way of Mack and everybody else and suddenly, Mario had the most wonderful idea.

"Hey, Mallow," he said. "I don't know about you but I can't be bothered fighting this lot. We'd only get 24EXP if we beat this guy anyway."

"We would?"

"We would. So I reckon we'll just jump on the heads of these Shysters on the left and into the corner where the Chancellor is, thus avoiding conflict."

"B-b-b-b-b-but," Mallow stuttered. "Shouldn't they be able to see us? And feel us jumping on their heads?"

Mario waved a hand in front of one of the Shysters. It was still bouncing on the spot, clearly unaware of the plumber's presence.

"Nope!" he said cheerily. "Now follow me!"

And so Mario (carrying Mallow because he was lacking in skills essential for a platformer i.e. jumping never mind the fact that he was in RPG mode) went over the heads of the Shysters and strolled towards the Chancellor without a care in the world. Mack was still guarding the star. How could he have not noticed the intruders when they were before his eyes; pulling all manners of silly faces?

"M-M-M-Mario?"

"What is it? You look like you've just seen a ghost!" Mario laughed.

Mallow shakily pointed at Mario then Mack. "You just walked right through him! And you just did it again!"

Mario turned around and saw that indeed he had. What was the reason for this peculiar phenomenon? Had Mario indeed turned into a ghost? Or was it the actions of the Gaming Gods since Mario had just effectively skipped over a key battle? There would be a price to pay…

"Gracious!" squeaked the Chancellor when Mario tapped him on the shoulder (he had decided to ignore the strange happenings for now). "Oh, it's you, Mario. What a relief! Once again, Mario to the rescue!"

"Er, aren't you going to fight me?" said Mack who had finally noticed them. He was promptly ignored.

"Oh, it was nothing," said Mario, beaming modestly.

"HE JUST WALKED THROUGH THAT MONSTER AS WELL! WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE? HE'S A- _glumph!_"

"What was that, dear chap?" asked the Chancellor pleasantly.

"Oh, don't worry about him," said Mario as he covered Mallow's mouth. "He's just slightly crazy that's all. The fluffiness affects him."

"Oh, jolly good. But who were those creatures?"

_They're still here, you dingbat!_ This is what Mallow wanted to scream but Mario was still silencing him.

"CHANCELLOR!"

Three Toads suddenly burst through the doors, ignorant of the jumping Shysters still in the room. The Shysters weren't too sure why they were being ignored or why indeed, they weren't moving forwards themselves to confront them. There was only one reason: their positions had been frozen in place thanks to Mario's dastardly act!

"Sir! Thank goodness you're alright!" said one of the Toads running up to the Chancellor who was standing in Mack.

"Hey, why am I getting respect all of a sudden? Anyway, I like it!" said Mack; not sure what was going on but he decided to let it slide.

"WHAT ABOUT THESE THINGS JUMPING ON OUR HEADS?" screamed the other two Toads as they stood in the same spot as the Shysters for no good reason.

"They're all a figment of your imagination!" Mario snickered. Mallow finally broke free and huffed to himself:

"I seriously do not get what is going on around here. It feels like I'm in some crazy story written by some crazy author. I should get out of here…"

"So it was you who got us all through this!" said one of the Toads happily.

"**HOLD IT!"**

The room suddenly faded into black leaving Mario and Mallow alone; everything disappeared from sight. Mallow started running around the blackness panicking.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE! MUMMY!"

"**DON'T YOU REALISE WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE, PLUMBER BOY?"**

Mario gulped; he was answering to the High Old Ones, otherwise known as the Gaming Gods.

"Well, er, I've just skipped the battle with Mack…"

"**PRECISELY!"** they cried. **"THE FUTURE HAS BEEN RUINED! YOU NEVER FOUGHT MACK SO YOU NEVER GAINED THE STAR PIECE! SMITHY CONQUERED THE WORLD AND CONTINUED TO MAKE WEAPONS WHILE MACK AND THE SHYSTERS TOOK OVER THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM! PEACH WAS NEVER SAVED. YOU GOT KILLED. YOU FAILED. GAME OVER!"**

This speech about why adventurers should never skip boss battles was a lesson Mario never forgot because he was too dead to remember it in the first place since he had been condemned to World -1.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed as he was sent to that hellhole.

"What about me?" said Mallow. "What happens next?"

"**OH. WE SUPPOSE YOU GO BACK HOME TO YOUR GRANDPA. BUT YOU SHALL NEVER FIND OUT YOUR TRUE DESTINY AND YOU SHALL FOREVER REMAIN A WUSS**."

"What destiny? What are you talking about? What do you-"

"**DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE EXPLOIT GLITCHES IN THE DESTINY OF THINGS AND RUIN THE FUTURE BY SKIPPING BATTLES?"** said the Gaming Gods as Mallow was sent home by a flick of a gaming finger.

Everybody agreed. And sooner or later, Peach was being married to a Wario-lookalike and was not amused by it at all. Bowser lost his castle forever.

As for Geno; he got killed as well.

* * *

**See what happens when you do that? I got some of the lines from comments that people made on a video showing this glitch. Here's the link: .com/watch?v=4uFosTEcTq4&feature=BFa&list=PL2DAC566AF0C7E9F1&index=11**

**The song was, of course, Tigger's song! :D albeit, with some minor changes.**

**I also love that line the Toad comes out with in Peach's bedroom; I think it's hilarious!**

**There are Gaming Gods out there. O_o**


	20. Smash and Bash!

**IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG! Hi, guys! Seriously, when was the last time I updated? That's coursework for you, it saps creativity. Now let's do this! Note: The characters who didn't get to go were actually supposed to be in the original game. But Meowth still makes it as an assisting Pokémon. Note the beta elements; Final Smashes **_**were**_** going to be used.**

* * *

**20. Smash and Bash!**

Everybody stared about in amazement as they gathered together to travel by Warp System to a mysterious place known as the Smash World; somewhere completely separate from their own worlds and a place where they would not actually be the flesh and blood creatures that they were meant to be; at least for some of the time; no, for part of the time they would be there they would be dolls. Dolls? This was a most peculiar place; a world designed with the simple concept of letting famed heroes and fighters kick the seven hells out of each other without actually being injured. Or at least properly injured, or at least, so they wouldn't get maimed, or maybe so they wouldn't actually… lose… their… lives…. *Ahem.* Anyway, no-one was actually going to die here, that was for certain.

Unless the rejected applicants got to them first of course.

"CURSE YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" screamed the supposedly sweet and angelic Pit. "How am I supposed to drag myself back from the pits of obscurity and become an international superstar again?"

"Well, the point being, is that you were never a superstar in the first place," said Samus, making sure that her fully-charged beam cannon was pointing at the group who were not allowed to become Smashers. "That is because my adventure was a hell of a lot more popular than yours. I mean, space equals cool, futuristic stuff. Greek mythology equals fuddy, duddy gods that are so out of date and you're basically a guy who was too damn stupid to listen to his father and so you died by flying too close to the sun, _Kid Icarus_."

"At least I'll get all of the hot babes," said Pit. "And you can't fight; you're just a woman."

The Smashers applauded Samus's most superior fighting skills when she blasted Pit in the area that men did not want to be blasted at. The feminists and lady readers cheered at this; Samus had proven herself kick-ass. Not that she needed to of course.

"Now that's how you deal with a man! Way to go Samus, Woot! You go, girl!" squealed Peach with delight. Mario and Luigi slowly edged away from the scene. "It's a shame I can't go smashing someone where the sun doesn't shine." The brothers went even further away. Bowser growled furiously; also very annoyed that he wasn't going and wouldn't be able to take his long-overdue revenge.

"Well, if you were able to do that Mrs Wimp-a-lot," he sneered. "Then you wouldn't have to have the plumber boys rescue you all of the time." Then a bright idea suddenly entered his tiny brain. "Heeeeeeeeeey, the plumber boys _are_ going away. Why don't we go back to your castle later and have some cake with a cherry on the top?"

"How come we have to rescue her all of the time, bro?" asked Luigi as Bowser screamed for mercy. He was hurt in many ways. Peach and Samus were now officially BFFs. Master Hand decided to that he would include Peach and Bowser in the next tournament; what fighting skills!

"I have absolutely no idea," said Mario, clearly disturbed by the carnage unveiled before his eyes. "Remind me to get drunk later so that I can forget just what I just saw."

"Yeah, me too."

"It is my destiny to fight in the Smash Brothers tournament, this I must achieve so that I shall become the world's most powerful Pokémon. Because I am awesome." Oh damn, it was that whining, destiny-worshipping Mewtwo Pokémon again. That guy was probably an Emo in his spare time; he was so depressing. He probably slept in a coffin writing dirges about death he was that depressing.

"Oh, crap," muttered Pikachu. "I hope I don't have to fight you in the next tournament; I'll want to throw myself off a cliff if you come to the next tournament."

"Then I shall definitely come you pipsqueak mouse."

"Weirdo genetically-mutated cat thing!"

Meowth ignored the cat remark which he would have normally taken as an insult against his species. He may not have been going as a Smasher but he was going as one of the helpful, assisting Pokémon that randomly popped out of a Pokéball because yeah, his fans insisted upon having him in. It galled him to know though that the twerp of a Pikachu could well summon _him_. How could that guy be more popular than him? He was classy, Team Rocket supremo minion! Oh yeah, and the Jigglypuff could summon him too. But how in the hell did she get in? She was a pink marshmallow puffball for god's sake with a voice that put everybody to sleep! Did she charm Master Hand or something?

Hold on, how could you charm a hand…?

"Well I reckon I should just whack you all stupid with mighty mallet!" said King Dedede as he twirled his weapon menacingly. "You're all stupid for not letting me come along for the fight!" Bowser rolled his eyes; the guy just didn't match up to him in terms of evilness and awesomeness. And he was basically a penguin. I mean, come on, how evil could penguins be really?

"Pot calling the kettle black," muttered Kirby. He stared down the tubby penguin monarch, just willing him to try and call him a marshmallow, go on, just try…

Lucas didn't say anything. He wasn't fighting? Yippee! Maybe he could avoid it after all!

The newly-recruited Smashers stepped into the mystic Warp portals and cheerily waved goodbye to their companions just so that they could snigger at their less-than-enthusiastic expressions and promptly vanished out of sight. This was going to be mega-cool and epic.

* * *

"MASTER HAND! MASTER HAND!" screamed Yoshi, darting into the office of the being that was effectively playing with their lives. "The Training Room is malfunctioning again!"

Master Hand threw down the pen that he was using and cursed the air until it turned blue. Yoshi tried not to gape but he was a floating, speaking hand of all things. Who on earth came up with these things? It was freaking him out! Seriously!

"I swear to God or at least myself since I'm technically the master of this world, that in the next tournament, I shall decree that no more red shells shall be used and anyone that disobeys this command will find themselves having a philosophical conversation with Mewtwo!" Yoshi gulped at the very thought of this; Mewtwo still kept pestering Master Hand and pleaded that he wanted to be in the next tournament. Pikachu was right; the guy needed zapping in uncomfortable areas.

Yoshi led the Hand towards the Training Room (which was currently a simulation of Hyrule Castle) and pointed out Mario who was groaning with terrible pain; Luigi didn't know whether to snigger or apologise. Samus took a picture of this; she would send it to her princess pal later. Donkey Kong just shrugged but then his grandfather Cranky Kong would have laughed at this. _(" Back when I was a nipper, you didn't have all of these fancy watchyoumacallits, moves. Or taunts and items and stuff. Now you can see why.")_

"What happened?" Master Hand sighed wearily. Smashers messing up things were probably going to become a bad habit.

"Well basically," said Yoshi. "Luigi whipped out a few Green Shells from HammerSpace and placed them next to Mario. I think Mario was about to attack, they were standing next to each other you see when Luigi kicked the shells. This shows that a plumber's foot can cause unlimited tiny explosions near the groin area." Yoshi shuddered.

"Oh come on, you're just winding me up," said Master Hand. Then Mario whimpered again. Luigi sniggered. This had been his revenge for all of those years of being sidelined.

"It also resulted in 999% damage. And please, nobody mention the whole over 9000 internet meme."

"Hot damn! My Falcon Punch has some competition!" sobbed Captain Falcon who randomly appeared out of nowhere. He then noticed Samus. "Hey, babe, wanna hang out with me?"

"Do you want to hang out in Kirby's stomach?" Falcon sighed; the bounty hunter was such a hot and yet cold babe.

"Luigi used groin shot! It's beyond Super Effective!" cried out Pikachu who had come to see what all of the commotion was about. He and Luigi high-fived each other; it was the start of a beautiful friendship. Mario raised himself from the ground, still clutching his sensitive area.

"Brother, you are going to die," he muttered. "I'm pretty sure that the readers want me to take revenge."

"You keep thinking that, bro," said Luigi smirking. He was going to enjoy it here.

Master Hand could have slapped himself if that was possible. "Alright you damned Smashers! I am sick to death with you lot exploiting situations that allow you to cause 999% damage to your opponent! That does it! I was going to introduce a fabulous new item called the Final Smash Ball that would allow you all to unleash terrible and mighty powers to make for a really impressive battle. But now I am not going to until the third tournament!"

"Awwwww!" they all moaned.

"Tough," he said. "I should set my brother Crazy on you except he's too crazy to actually take part in this."

"Too crazy for Super Smash Bros.?" whispered Mario. "Is that even possible?"

"Shut up plumber boy or I'll stuff you in a black hole." Mario gaped. That was not good. He would the extreme pain of Link's many bombs blasting for a nearly infinite number of times and he would be taken to 999% damage again. 999% was unnatural. No fighter should have been able to last to that percentage. Except maybe Master Hand when he made special guest appearances in the battles even though they were always unscheduled.

Captain Falcon was very angry upon hearing that they would not have the Final Smashes. He dearly wanted to run someone over and perhaps take Samus out for a drive. Such was his rage that as they were still in the Training Room, he managed to summon a clone of himself and was driven to battle his doppelganger. They were about to do a Falcon Punch on each other. Such an attack would be devastating.

"NOOOO!" screamed Master Hand. "If you do this, you will destroy the whole world that I created!"

But it was too late. The epicness of the Falcon Punches struck each other.

"Oh, well done, Captain Falcon!" snapped Master Hand as everybody froze, unable to move from their positions. "You destroyed our game!" He wasn't able to manipulate an obscene hand gesture.

GAME OVER. O_O

* * *

**If two Captain Falcons falcon p****unch each other at the same time, the game will crash! **

… **I feel kinda rusty, I need to do more writing again…**


	21. Anyone for Tennis?

**Hi guys. I want to do a story using Mario Tennis but… there aren't any actual glitches I can find it for it. Or reasonable hacks. You won't mind me deviating (for the second time) will you? I'll still put humour into it! (Thanks YouTube…)**

* * *

**21. Anyone for Tennis?**

"Wahoo! Anyone for tennis?" cried Mario excitedly, brandishing his racquet like a weapon.

"Oh for god's sake! Not again!" Luigi said to his over-excitable brother. "We have been playing tennis for years now and you just use it as an excuse to _try_ and whip my backside! Nu-uh! I'm not doing it! No way. I'm sick of beating you anyway; it's got boring, bro."

"Did somebody mention tennis? That would be wonderful!" Peach sighed happily. "It's such a graceful game, a beautiful game…"

"Yeah, until some sore loser tries to shove his racquet up the victor's nose!" snapped Luigi, glaring at Mario who was conveniently feigning deafness.

Closely following Peach was another princess, one who had travelled quite a distance to visit her childhood friend and fellow ruler. She was named Daisy, princess of Sarasaland. "Ooh! We don't often play tennis where we live! I think it is a terrific idea and Luigi could teach me the ropes."

"On second thoughts, Mario, I think it's a wonderful idea! Especially if I can prove myself to Daisy and make you look like a complete idiot."

"You hypocrite," Mario muttered.

So it was decided then that the Mushroom Kingdom would host a Tennis Tournament and of course Mario and Luigi would inevitably face each other in the Final Rounds because their famous rivalry was fierce but it was good-natured. At least, everybody hoped so anyway.

"Mario, I swear to goodness that if you don't stop cheating by making those balls go faster by setting them on fire, I will do something very regrettable."

"Oh, come on!" Mario protested. "Nintendo's gonna give us special Power Moves the next time we have a Tennis Tournament anyway! I had a call from Miyamoto."

"Of course you did. And I had a call from Bowser saying that he wants a delightful teddy bear's picnic with us. Then he actually wants to play tennis for _fun_."

"Did he?" asked Mario. Luigi slapped himself. He should have slapped Mario.

"Anyway, Luigi," said Mario continuing. "This isn't called cheating. This is called tactics."

"Have you ever heard of the concept of a rules book?"

"No, beats me. What's one of those?"

"Mario! Luigi! The Princesses are arriving now! You must greet them!" said a Toad rushing towards the pair; thankfully averting what may have been a major crisis. "The stadium looks to be in great shape! Peach is very happy with it! And Daisy is very happy with it too! And she also says thank you for the tennis lessons, Luigi! She wants to see you later alone!" The Toad, who had an unfortunate habit of putting exclamation marks at the end of everything sentence he said leered at Luigi at this point, possibly jealous at the fact that the plumber was going to get in with a princess. He scarpered off and left the bros to make their way over to the entrance of the stadium. Mario leered too.

"You're in_ luuuuuurve_ with her!" Mario snickered. "And here's me thinking that you would never get a girlfriend, Luigi!"

"Shut up!" said Luigi, his cheeks burning bright pink. "So what if I haven't before? She really likes me, Mario and I don't want you to blow it for me."

Mario grasped his brother's shoulder firmly. "Hey, bro, I would never do that to you. You know how difficult it was for me to get with Peach and you supported me with it. I hope you find happiness with her."

Luigi smiled; brotherly rivalry temporarily forgotten. "Thanks, bro."

They strolled to the intended meeting place where they saw the princesses merrily waving them over. They looked towards the stadium and nodded with approval; it was certainly impressive; an excellent place for playing the fabulous game of tennis. Luigi blushed when he saw Daisy looking at him and she giggled. She was so sweet…

"Hey, Luigi, I've been meaning to ask you," she said. "You know, when Mario saved me from Tatanga?" Luigi nodded; how could he forget when his brother had reminded him every 5 minutes? "How come you weren't with him?"

"Oh, that's easy!" said Mario brightly. "He had diarrho-_umph!_"

"What are you talking about?" said Luigi with an equally bright voice as he got his brother in a headlock. "I was on an adventure, don't you remember?" He shrugged his shoulders. "Since I was away at the time, I hadn't heard that Mario was gone to help you, Daisy. It's a shame really that I was in the wrong place at the time."

"Alright then," said Daisy looking bemused while Peach looked suspicious and rolled her eyes. "We have to go now; Peach says that Toadsworth wants to see me."

"And he's such a stickler for protocol," said Peach. "Bless him," she added fondly. "We'll _see_ you two later." She looked sweet but her words managed to carry a deeply menacing tone in them. Luigi still held his brother in a headlock as the princesses entered the new stadium and as soon as they were out of sight, he dumped Mario on the ground and set his overalls alight.

"Mamma mia!" Mario cried as he ran about trying to put the fires out. "Watch the merchandise!"

"You bastard!" Luigi shouted as he attempted to set fire to Mario again. "Did you have to say that? It wasn't my fault I was ill! You are so dead as soon as this tournament is over with!"

"Do you mean that metaphorically or literally?" yelled Mario as he ran away from his enraged brother.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

* * *

The day of the majestic tournament had finally arrived and the competitors were limbering up ready for their high-octane matches. Yoshi prayed to the Yoshi Gods that he would not end up in a match against Birdo. She, (or was it a he?) was seriously freaking him out. She, er, he, er, _it_ blew him a kiss. Yoshi nearly fainted.

"Luigi!" asked Yoshi urgently. "Is that guy a girl or is that a gay guy hoping that I'm gay too?"

Luigi was too good a friend to laugh. "Well, Birdo's pink and wearing a bow, I'd say she is a girl."

"But you know that there's pink Yoshis out there who are male! And I'm telling you, that is a guy dressing up as a girl in the hope that I will be attracted to him! And I don't swing that way!" Luigi glanced over and saw that Birdo kept stealing looks at Yoshi.

"The less said about it, the better," he said.

"Wow, these are bloody thin tennis racquets," said Mario as he strolled over to them, waving said racquet about. "I'm pretty sure that Peach has way more money in her coffers then this. She should get proper racquets."

"Mario Star Tournament?" said Luigi in disbelief. "You are the biggest glory-hog that ever existed."

Mario shrugged. "Peach approves of it, Luigi. If you don't like it, you can always take it up with her." Luigi sighed and warned him about getting too big-headed. I mean the Mario Party business for example. OK, they had a couple so far, great, but Luigi was concerned that it was going to run near the double-digits and everybody by then was going to be sick of it, surely. But Mario was Peach's knight in shining armour. Or overalls at least.

"LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!" cried the Toad announcer.

The competitors made their way off the court although Luigi thought that he noticed something. Two shadowy figures lurking behind one of the stands, one fat and one tall. Then Luigi shook his head; he didn't need anything else to distract him; Yoshi trying to run away from the love-struck Birdo was distracting and yet entertaining enough.

Much to the delight of everybody there, the crowds loved the spectacle of tennis. Mario trounced DK with a mighty shot that flew over the gorilla's shoulder though he later swore that he had been distracted by an attractive pile of bananas. (Cranky would have disapproved at his grandson's lack of concentration. But then bananas were a great source of energy in such sports like this.) Yoshi was practically sobbing with delight when he found out that he wasn't squaring up against Birdo; he was up against Daisy. Luigi wasn't too sure who he wanted to win the match and watched nervously from the sidelines. Yoshi triumphed in the end though and Daisy took the loss like a good sport. Luigi found himself on the receiving of a thank you kiss from Daisy and could not help himself from blushing like a furnace. Peach found this sweet; Mario later retched and was promptly set on fire again. Birdo unfortunately lost to Peach and while Peach was celebrating this close win, Birdo started searching for Yoshi who hid behind Luigi screaming: "DON'T LET IT NEAR ME! I'M TOO INNOCENT FOR THIS!" Mario beat the Paratroopa who played well but later in the match, started sniggering uncontrollably and Mario wondered why this was the case until he saw that Luigi had burned a hole in his overalls in an embarrassing place. Fortunately for Mario, he had brought along a spare pair. Yoshi and Peach were later knocked out of the competition by the battling bros. Later on, they had to rescue Yoshi from the top of the stadium roof as he had tried to make his escape from the amorous Birdo. ("No, I'm perfectly fine up here! Honest! I SAID I'M PERFECTLY FINE UP HERE!") The last match was between Mario and Luigi; who would win that shiny trophy?

"Lets'a go!" cried Mario, if only so he could make the Mario fans scream with delight at his catchphrase. To Luigi, he said: "You're going down, bro."

"I'm going down in history," Luigi retorted.

While Mario was busily trying to come back with a winning statement, the two shadowy figures that Luigi had spotted earlier suddenly made their unwelcome appearance onto the court. The crowd gasped, the competitors who had been beaten in the earlier matches gasped, Mario and Luigi gasped. By God, were these two ugly.

"WHO ARE THEY?" gasped the Toad, miles behind everybody else.

"Wario, what in the heck are you doing here?" said Mario. "It's a bit late to try and gatecrash now; we're on the last match!"

"Yeah, and who in the hell is that stick figure there? I know that we know you; there are pictures of us in Toad's booth for god's sake but for the purpose of the audience; who the hell are you, stick figure?"

"WHAAAAAT?" exclaimed the stick figure. "I am the great Waluigi who is going to become even more awesome by beating everybody up, especially you as you are supposed to be my rival as fatso here is supposed to be Mario's rival."

"Hey, I'm not fat!" Wario protested. "I'm horizontally challenged!"

"So your debut into the Nintendo World is to basically get owned in a tennis game and acts as Wario's partner in crime?" asked Luigi. "That's great, I love it."

"That's enough talk. Just kick the back of his legs, Luigi," said Mario. "And he'll fall down like a pile of sticks."

"He could never do that!" said Waluigi. "For I am the great Waluigi and I shall become even more famous and awesome than I am now even though nobody has actually seen me before! We'll whup everybody with our superior skills! Waluigi rocks! Let's end this party!" he declared as he lobbed an imaginary tennis ball at Luigi.

Luigi stared at the ugly guy in purple. "Luigi not afraid," he said and lobbed the imaginary ball back and winked. He wondered why he did that then; people could get the wrong message with him winking at Waluigi. Waluigi gaped open-mouthed, he was OWNED!

"Wow! Luigi's trolling Waluigi hard!" snickered Yoshi from the side-lines. "That line was epic!"

"That was badass, bro," said Mario approving.

"WHAAAAAAAAAT?" screeched Waluigi. "Nobody can be more bad-ass than me!" He stormed over to Luigi.

"Bad-ass? You're just a freak!" growled Luigi as he too made his way over to duke it out with Waluigi.

"20 coins that Luigi will beat the purple guy to a pulp?" said DK to Yoshi.

"Oh, come on, there's no contest!" laughed Yoshi. "Luigi could own this guy with both hands tied behind his back, blindfolded. Nobody knows who this guy is apart from being ugly!"

"This is very true, my love," said Birdo puckering up.

"ARRRRRRRRRRGH!"

Mario leapt over the net, ignoring Yoshi's screaming and tried to quell the steaming argument between the pair although without much luck because it was strangely satisfying watching Luigi being bad-ass and with the possibility of setting someone else alight instead of himself. Then Wario magically appeared in front of Mario.

"Holy crap!" he exclaimed.

"WAHAHAHAHA!" Wario laughed. "You're gonna have to get through me first and that ain't gonna happen!"

"Watch it asshole!" snapped Mario. Wario gasped.

"What did you just say?"

"I said watch it buster!"

"OK then, 30 coins that Mario and Luigi beat up the Wario Bros in less than 5 minutes flat."

"Done," said Yoshi to DK.

Before any sort of battle could commence however, everything suddenly went dark and a light lit up the centre of the court. Mario and Luigi dived out of the way and Wario and Waluigi screamed as they were squashed under the weight that was Bowser before being flung out of the way. He was carrying a tennis racquet; why on earth was he carrying a tennis racquet? A Boo followed him also carrying a tennis racquet.

"WHAT'S THAT?" screamed Toad, late as usual.

"My, what big teeth you have," said Mario to the Boo.

"All the better for eating you with!" cackled the Boo.

"Oh dear, so this is the Koopa King that keeps kidnapping you, does he?" said Daisy to Peach.

"I'm afraid so," she replied. "He can't be thinking of that now surely… And Yoshi, stop quivering and pull yourself together."

"What do you suppose he's going to do now?" whispered Luigi.

Mario shrugged. "Kidnap the princess? How the hell should I know?"

"Hey, guys!" said Bowser. He looked menacing at first but then… "Tennis? I _love_ Tennis! Can I play too? Huh! Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Pretty, pretty please?"

Mario stared at Luigi. "You said earlier that Bowser wanted to play some tennis for fun."

"That was a _joke!_"

"What's going on here?" cried Waluigi as he picked himself up from the ground and kicking Wario.

"Er…" Mario turned to face Bowser and his Boo companion. "Er… sure. Whatever you like, big fella. We're all game."

"Yaaaay!" squealed Bowser and the Boo. "This is going to be epic!"

"No battle!" said Yoshi to DK. "Looks like the bet's off."

"Wow, I've never seen him so happy! Let's all do a random dance as we celebrate Bowser not attacking us!" cried Mario. So they danced. Waluigi had another reason to hate Luigi now: he was jealous of his rival's dance moves.

"WHAT'S THAT?" cried the Toad.

"Oh, for crying out loud, there's nothing to- OHSH**IT'SABOB-OMB!" yelled Luigi.

And indeed, a random Bob-omb walked straight in front of them, everybody screamed.

"What the f-!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

* * *

**Wahahahaha! The Mario Tennis intro is great; just have a look at it though to see the difference in the technology then compared to now.**

**Hey, I hope you liked it even though it didn't involve glitches. If you really want it though, pretend that Mario setting fire to tennis balls is a hack that could be used in the game. They probably could after all… **

**P.S Luigi's voice is really deep in this game. O_o**


	22. Another Mario Party

**It's that how long it's been? Trying to write again after so long is quite hard work but I've finally persevered and I hope you like it. Special thanks to tetekanui for all of her wonderful reviews!**

* * *

**22. Another Mario Party**

It was another Mario Party. It was called Mario Party even though Mario was absolutely adamant on the fact that he did not name it Mario Party but it was of course named after him because of the truckload of fans that he had. Indeed, calling it Mario Party had to be a homage to him because Mario was the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom who saved princesses day in day out and generally pulverised the living daylights out of a nefarious Koopa King for a living.

But… surely a party, or a Mario Party if you will, was meant to be fun, relaxing, enjoyable and above all, _safe._ How many parties, you may well ask yourselves, involved near-death experiences every other turn? Just how many parties involved being dangled over lava, being squashed by giant, spiky things, being chased by ravenous monsters and, at this very moment in time, re-enacting that excellent boulder scene from Indiana Guy and the Raiders of the Lost Ark? Oh, yes, it was a very good film but nobody had asked to be subject to the strange whims of the Gaming Gods because if it wasn't the Gaming Gods causing all this weirdness, then WHY ON EARTH WERE THEY PLAYING ON A GAMES BOARD ONE MINUTE AND THEN THE NEXT RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES?

This was not a Mario Party, not how Mario would define a Mario Party anyway. It would involve less running about and more consumption of alcohol for starters.

This was a crash course on survival.

"How on earth am I supposed to run in this dress?" screamed Peach as she and her cohorts ran for their very lives to avoid being crushed by the gigantic boulder that was rolling their way in a mini-game most heartily called "Granite Getaway". Actually, it looked a lot like a giant potato. Bowser could see the headline now (since it was most likely he who was orchestrating this weirdness): GIANT POTATO SEEKING REVENGE UPON ANNOYING PLUMBERS! He would pay a lot of money to see _that_ little dream come true…

"I was about to ask you the same question!" screamed Daisy equally as loud. Somewhere, in the background, the Indiana Guy music started playing. "And whoever's playing that can switch it off now!"

"Never mind the music! How did we get teleported here?" yelled Mario as he leapt over a bunch of rocks craftily placed in order to trip him up and place him under the rock of doom. "Is somebody forcing us to play these so-called mini-games for the sick and perverse tastes of an equally sick and perverse audience?"

"Dammit! I thought Rayman had defeated all of those Raving Rabbids!" growled Luigi as he ran alongside his brother. "He got put through this entire sort of thing as well by these crazy Rabbids and guess what he got given as a prize? A plunger."

"You're kidding me, a plunger?" asked Mario in disbelief. "Well we might find that sort of thing useful since we are supposed to be plumbers despite our actual lack of plying the plumbing trade but who on earth would hand out plungers as a prize?"

"Well he managed to escape with them by using them as a ladder to climb out of his confinement!"

"I wish we could do that too!"

"Seriously? You think evil rabbits are the reason that we are doing all of these stupid things?" said Daisy.

"Can you think of any other sensible suggestions?" gasped Luigi. He felt sick; he had already been chomped on by Chain Chomps, shocked several times during that Circuit Maximus malarkey and for some reason when they had to pose upon pain of pain for that goddamn Miracle Book, he nearly always got the worse deal, either made to look idiotic or just be really unlucky. This was killing him…

"Guys! I've just realised!" said Mario with the air of one making a discovery. "DK must be the instigator! He's the one behind the DK mini-games after all and he's not being tortured like we are!"

"Mario, you bozo! DK was with us for those other parties! I don't know why but he must have been given a reprieve this time!"

"Maybe it's because he's turned over to the dark side!" said Mario dramatically.

"Oh, for crying out loud! DK has not turned to the- _arrrrrrrrrrrrgggh!_"

"LUIGI!" Mario yelled as he saw Luigi slam into a stone wall and unable to get up in time before the giant rock of doom ruthlessly went over and crushed him like a rather nice pancake. Somewhere, wherever they were, the evil ones who had imprisoned them here… they were laughing.

"Mario! We can't turn back now. We must continue onwards for Luigi's sake. Don't worry, maybe he survived."

"I just saw my brother get crushed under a dirty, big rock and you're telling me not to worry?"

"You heard me first time, Mario! Are you deaf?"

"Oh, no!" said Daisy as she tripped over the hem of her dress again. "I don't think I can carry on any longer…"

"Daisy, no!" yelled Peach as Daisy, keeping to the edge of the cave wall, disappeared from sight and too, met her demise to the rock. Mario grabbed Peach's hand as they dashed over the final bridge and flung themselves forward to the sweet relief of safety. They heard the boulder crash through the bridge and tumble to the pit below it.

"Thank goodness for that…" Mario panted. "But Luigi… I will kill them for what they did to my brother…"

"Hi, guys! What did I miss?" said Daisy. Peach gaped at her: the flower princess had made an epic comeback. Had she flown over that bridge or something?

"Daisy? What in the heck are you doing here?" said Peach, confused. "You were supposed to have been crushed by that rock along with Luigi!" Mario blubbered at the sound of his brother's name.

"Was I? I don't know but that was some pretty crazy stuff that we had to do then just for a poxy ten coins."

"Wowzers!" cheered Toad who was waiting for them at the end of the mini-game. "Daisy! You must be Chuck Norris's daughter or perhaps even Chuck Norris himself!"

"Er… thanks I think?" said Daisy.

Some happy, celebratory music played in the background and the message 'MARIO, PEACH AND DAISY WON!' made itself known to the trio. They all said "yay!" and pretended to be very pleased with themselves because that was what the audience expected from this freaky… game show. There would be some very disappointed people if they didn't show the correct emotions.

"The next mini-game shall be Blooper Scooper!" cried Toad who was also here against his will but at least he was actually being paid for it.

"Blooper Scooper?" Mario sniggered. "Do you scoop up bloopers or do you scoop up their-?" Then Mario remembered what had happened to Luigi and began to cry. Why didn't he actually say earlier that enough was enough and fight back against the thing that was controlling his very movements? The thing that was making him hit dice, cheer if he won a game and put on a very cheesy expression?

Mario sighed. This was cruel.

Bowser laughed. This was comedy gold. The television did put out some good stuff after all…

* * *

Luigi groaned. Where was he? Had salvation come at last? Or was he now going to be forced to do something else as ludicrous as the last time? Perhaps he would have to play Seer Terror where Psychic Bowser (yeah, that couldn't be the real Bowser. If he was psychic, he would predict that he would lose every time against the Mario Bros.) would make him choose a rope and then say a terrible pun related to it such as: "The weather today will be very, very HOT!" after being set alight by a rain of fire.

Luigi looked up. OK, this wasn't meant to happen. This wasn't in the small print of the Mario Party game show. It just wasn't his day…

"Sorry," said Rayman.

"BWAAAAAAAAHHH!" screamed the Rabbid.

* * *

**Hey, this was one that I actually came across a few times in Mario Party 6. I loved that although my favourite one is Mario Party 4. :) I'm on a Rayman kick at the moment thanks to Rayman Origins (brilliant game!) so I hope you don't mind the crossover.**

**Rabbids. Ugh… poor Luigi…**


	23. Mario the Murderer?

**Have you heard the one about PETA accusing Mario of promoting the fur trade in Super Mario 3D Land by wearing a Tanooki Suit to gain special powers? It's no joke; check it out on the web. Oh, yes, and I'll throw in this Baddie Box glitch too.**

* * *

**23. Mario the Murderer?**

"When on a mission to rescue the princess, Mario has been known to use any means necessary to defeat his enemy, even wearing the skin of a raccoon dog to give him special powers. Tanooki may be just a 'suit' to you, Mario, but in real life, Tanooki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur. By wearing Tanooki, you are sending the message that it's OK to wear fur. Play Super Tanooki Skin 2D and help Tanooki reclaim his fur, people! Now you have been accused of all of this, how do you plead?"

"What the hell?" cried Mario who was currently chained to a chair in the middle of the Court Room. "Are you absolutely insane? Since when do I go skinning animals so I might gain special powers when I can just use a leaf or a mushroom to do the same thing?"

"Nevertheless," said the shady Toad figure. "You admit that you wear the skin of a Tanooki when you clearly have enough powers of your own?"

"I was wearing a COSTUME you dimwits! _A costume!_ If you are going to accuse anybody, you should question Francis, the biggest geeky nerd of all time! He wanted a Tanooki suit made out of real Tanooki fur so please don't tell me that I'm the guilty one in all of this!"

"Hmm," said another shady Toad figure (let us call him Toad #2 and the other one Toad #1). "We shall look into that case. But are you seriously trying to tell us PETA representatives that you gain magical Tanooki powers from a leaf?"

Mario gaped. What planet were these people living on? This was the Mushroom Kingdom after all! How short-sighted of them. "Of course I got powers from a leaf. Like I get powers from a mushroom that practically has eyes!"

"Oh my god! You ate one of our cousins?" screamed Toad #2.

"Oh no. OhnoOhnoOhnoOhnoOhnoOhno, do not even _think_ that I am eating your 'shroomy cousins or anything! They are not Toads, those are mushrooms! " This he had to add because the Toads were glaring at him with such a glare that would have set any lesser being on fire. "…I'm… I'm a vegetarian, OK? Yes, I'm a vegetarian! Woo, go vegetarianism! I eat mushrooms, leaves, nuts, flowers and berries for health restoration and I absolutely do not skin live Tanookis for the sole purpose of stealing their powers. I really, really don't!"

"What do you think, Number 2? He is projecting the blame on someone else and he is wildly denying the charges brought against him. This panicking, almost violent denial could well be an indicator of guilt."

"I agree, Number 1. What should the punishment be? And let us not forget that he has been cruelly stomping on the heads of Goombas and Koopas for the last 25 years or so. Such violence."

"Did you want to be run over by a load of evil turtles and strange brown-thingies and have your homes, livelihoods and everything taken over by some evil Koopa git?" What was the world coming to when they were sticking up for the criminals and ignoring the great deeds that he had done? He was Super Mario, people! If it wasn't for him, why, Bowser would have been running this little shindig a long time ago and yes, he also enjoyed eating mushrooms too. The ones that wore clothes in particular. Roasted.

"If I may interrupt," said Peach, wearing a face that bespoke great disapproval as she sat in the jury box. Nobody wanted to meet Peach's Disapproval. "Why have you only brought this up now? If you were that concerned, wouldn't you have gone after Mario the first time round when he wore a Tanooki suit some years ago while rescuing me? And he wore a frog suit. AND he wore a Hammer Bros. suit too! Now what do you say to that?"

"We had other pressing concerns!" snapped Toad #1. "Such as, you know, thingy, watchyoumacallit, important things! But now we can use that against you too you animal abuser you! "

"I do not abuse animals! I do not skin animals! For crying out loud, I had a fish as a partner and my brother owns a pet Chain Chomp for some strange reason. Oh, crap."

"Aha!" declared Toad #2. "Then your brother must also be an animal abuser who wears the skins of once-living animals! We hear that he wore a Kitsune suit in your latest adventure and therefore he shall be brought in as well!"

"Has it occurred to you that the costume Mario was wearing was possibly made out of synthetic fur?" said Peach icily.

"Yeah, how about that?" said Mario with glee. "Lawyer, back me up here!"

Mario's lawyer guiltily looked up. "What? Oh, sorry! I was too busy playing Super Mario 3D Land!" Mario facepalmed himself. The lawyer was shot down due to the fact that he had been playing Super Mario 3D Land and therefore, he too must have been supporting the fur trade!

"This is absolutely preposterous!" cried Toadsworth, Peach's life-long steward and never had Mario been so glad to hear the old-timer now who when he spoke about Mario, was usually to berate his rather intimate relationship with the princess and the fact that he wore scruffy overalls all of the time. "Have you no idea, sirs, that the Tanooki leaf is of a most superior item that gives the user the chance to experience its wonderful effects and give them the hope that they too can accomplish excellent deeds?"

"Oh my god!" cried Toad #2. "Mario's a user! He's been dabbling with drugs!"

"Botheration," said Toadsworth as Mario wildly protested his innocence against his new accusation not to mention the fact that Toad #2 went back to the subject of mushrooms, in this case, the magical sort.

"Does anybody have a Tanooki lead on them?" Mario asked. "If so, I think it would be a really good idea if I could have it. Because then I could show these morons that hey, this costume, skin, whatever you want to call it, is not derived from the skinning of a real-life Tanooki. Besides, how many real Tanooki from around here have you actually seen? They are from the Far East. The Mushroom Kingdom is not in the Far East. Does me transforming into Fire Mario or Bee Mario constitute to me skinning Fire Flowers or Bees? No, it does not. A leaf, if you will, I would be much obliged. And just for the record, I have never killed any Tanooki. Except maybe Tom Nook, that Animal Crossing guy, he was a complete twit you have to agree." The Toads and Koopas in the jury did agree and in fact cheered, safe in knowledge that this guy was most definitely a hero.

"Hmm, well if we agree to your request, then you must agree to let us show you this footage first, Mario," said Toad #1. "Agreed?"

Mario hesitated. "Well, alrighty then. But I really hope you are not going to show me a video about the skinning of Tanooki. Because I'm squeamish at the sight of blood. What? Jumping on enemies' heads does not result in blood spurting everywhere. I treat my opponents ethically, OK?"

As it turned out, the first part of the footage did show lots of blood and gore. Peach watched it with Disapproval, the jury were just completely sickened and Mario turned green and threw up. What, surprised? Well, you show me in the Hero's Handbook where it says that you must not be squeamish at the sight of blood, OK? I mean, if you were a doctor, then it would be a good idea to not be squeamish at the sight of blood. (Hold on, Dr. Mario anyone?)

This wasn't the end of the footage, oh no. The camera was centred on Mario himself who was skipping merrily along the many platforms that he had been traversing and was currently wearing a White Tanooki suit (an even rarer creature than the normal Tanooki surely? For shame that Mario had skinned alive a much endangered species!). He was whacking his Tanooki tail into every Piranha Plant going. Mario protested about this infringement of privacy until he was told that he would have something to protest about when he was thrown in a pit with a load of Chain Chomps and bones tied to him. Mario then fervently hoped that the footage didn't include the part when he was practising serenading Peach with lots of sweet talk appropriate for 'bed-time.'

"What is the reason for showing us this?" enquired Toadsworth who had finally stopped muttering under his breath how everything was better in his salad days and by George could he do with some proper refreshment. The shady Toads grinned shady grins in a shady manner.

There stood the great hero Mario eyeing up a curious box with the visage of Bowser imprinted on it. As he stood there, Goombas kept jumping out of it in one continuous, unbroken line, ready to maul him to a very bloody death with their terrifying, brutal fangs, cackling all the while as they munched on him for dinner… or something like that anyway. He mused as he jumped on the heads of the dumb minions heading his way; why did they just walk towards certain death as if they were zombies? Anyway, to important business: how to get rid of the Baddie Box? Aha! Mario had a light bulb moment. Wearing his almighty White Tanooki suit, Mario leapt in the air and turned into a statue for he knew that a ground pound would easily sort this little predicament out.

What he honestly didn't expect was for time to slow down as he made contact with it. A harsh grinding sound could be heard and for some inexplicable reason, the sound of a vine shooting upwards even though he hadn't actually seen any on this particular adventure. Oh shoot, his contact with the Baddie Box was actually causing the thing to start exploding! Mario screamed as the box's numerous red and green explosions resulted in one massive explosion and sent him rocketing upwards before plummeting down to strange depths somewhere. He ended back on the platform with one less life and swore very loudly. Mario winced: trust the camera to catch that bit.

Toadsworth gave him a look that immediately suggested his having 'words' with Mario later. Then he said what Mario was more or less thinking: "Yes, so the box exploded. Your point being?"

"No ordinary Tanooki 'costume' could make an evil device like a Baddie Box explode!" Toad #1 cackled. "Therefore, you must have gained this power only from the skinning of an actual Tanooki! You shall be justly punished!" Toad #2 began cackling as well, especially as the Robot Guards suddenly appeared out of nowhere brandishing powered-up lasers.

"Holy crap!" yelled Mario. "Somebody get me out of this thing or I'm gonna die!"

"**Request denied,"** said one of the Robot Guards. It looked particularly grim.

"Request granted!" said Luigi who suddenly leapt down from the ceiling's chandelier. He looked particularly awesome. Not to mention furry.

"EEK!" the Toads cried. "HE'S WEARING KITSUNE SKIN! FIRE THE LASERS!"

"**We're firing our lasers!"** said the Guards collectively. **"Oh, no. He has disappeared." **This they said as Luigi turned into a statue. Mario shook his head: how come an enemy standing before your very eyes suddenly did not notice you turning into a statue when they saw you standing in the very spot half a second ago? **"There he is again."** Luigi threw a Tanooki leaf to Mario and he immediately transformed, allowing him to break free of the chains. The Toads screamed "You sick murderers of innocent creatures!" thus plausibly denying the truth before their very eyes and turned to flee. The waiting Toads and Koopas cheered as the battling bros beat up the Robots and turned them into scrap.

"Thanks for saving my skin, Luigi," said Mario happily. "Oh, that was kinda ironic wasn't it?"

"No problem, bro. But hey, you got yourself landed in court again. I hope this isn't going to become a habit of yours."

"Thanks for reminding me," said Mario sourly. "But enough of that, I don't know about you, but I just fancy a burger. Coming, Peach?"

"I'd be delighted to Mario," said Peach as she stepped out of the jury box and put on her coat. It was made out of Tanooki fur. Mario remembered the video and threw up again.

* * *

"This is so totally schweet and hi-technicaaaaaal!" said Francis as he unboxed his super-rare, limited edition only Tanooki suit made out of real Tanooki fur. (Don't worry folks; no Tanookis were harmed in the making of it. "Just wait until I tell my friends on digibutterdotnerr! They will be so jealous!"

"Get on the floor and put your hands up in the air! You're under arrest, Francis!"

"Nooooo!" cried Francis as his precious Tanooki suit suddenly looked like it was going to be snatched away from him. "You shall never have it! MeowMaids! Attack these villains while I quickly simulate a battle on my totally schweet computer! This reminds me of the epic, climatic battle in the penultimate episode of the Grodus Chronicles which also makes this HI-TECHNICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!"

* * *

**Digibutter is actually a real website you know so have a gander at it. I laughed a lot at this whole PETA business; they were obviously using Mario to promote themselves. Tsk, tsk. Anyway, hope you liked this!**


	24. Chief Chilly's Chilly Reception

**Hooray, I've updated again! I do get round to fulfilling requests eventually. With thanks to Luigified531 for coming up with the suggestion! I wasn't able to find the ice block glitch myself but whatever, it sounds cool. Oh, and the Yoshi 'hack' is cool too. **

* * *

**24. Chief Chilly's Chilly Reception**

"You can plead and beg all you like, Mario, but there is no way I am going into that painting!"

"I'm not pleading or begging, Luigi, I am _demanding_ that you go through this painting to defeat the boss and find the key to rescue Wario for crying out loud! I mean, Wario, of all people!"

Yup, the Mushroom Kingdom's finest and most famous pair of heroes, Mario and er… you know, the other famous guy, what is he called…? Oh, yes, Luigi, were busy indulging in that delightful brotherly habit of theirs which involved lots of arguing and shouting and pointing fingers. The basis of this particular argument was that Luigi had to go and rescue Wario and only he could do that since he had the required special ability needed to get to that painting in the Mirror Room. However, Luigi didn't want to go.

There used to be a Power Star in the room at the back but Luigi picked that one up earlier thanks to the Power Flower for it gave him the ability to turn invisible like a Boo (kind of ironic considering the guy's fear of them!). He was also able to walk on water which some would have said was like Jesus if he ever existed in the Mushroom Kingdom. For some reason, the Toads were seriously impressed by this mainly due to the fact that they sank like a lead balloon if they tried the same stunt. This 'oh my god, I'm so impressed!' stance made a nice change since all that Luigi was getting of 99% of the castle Toads was abuse. But don't worry too much about that; an army of Luigi fans came to sort them out later.

Yoshi looked interestedly at the arguing pair but with even more interest at the pile of fruit in front of him. When it came to heroic adventuring, eating fruit, eating in general and squabbling brothers, eating obviously took first place because this was right and correct. Yoshi gulped these fruits down as Mario and Luigi continued their important business.

"But what use is Wario going to be to us?" said Luigi with crossed arms as he glared at his older brother. "He's nothing but a fat bastard!"

"He may be a fat bastard," snapped Mario, "But he's… er… our fat bastard. He can break walls and stuff." Luigi gave him an unimpressed look. "And anyway, you're not supposed to say things like that, it may ruin your reputation."

"Oh yeah, of course I've got a great reputation around here!" snapped Luigi. "Those Toads have the audacity to call me cowardly when all they do at the first moment of crisis, is scream and run around like headless chickens!"

"Hey, Luigi, if you want to become a full-fledged hero like your brother," said a Toad who randomly popped into the room. "Then you can't afford to be cowardly! Now excuse me while I go find some place to hide from those nasty creatures!"

"You see what I mean?" Luigi growled as the random Toad ran off. He was going to set him alight later. "And anyway, I don't need to go through. Wario will come blasting out if you just hold a garlic bulb in front of his door. And if he's so strong, why can't he break through it anyway?"

"He has a point," said Yoshi. "I mean, I've never seen anybody so greedy. That guy is ruled by his stomach!"

Mario and Luigi avoided each other's glances for a moment before getting back to glare at each other.

"For crying out loud, Luigi, what is your problem? You're not normally like this!"

"Mario," said his long-suffering brother dully. "I've been getting practically every single Power Star since you got me out of that cage. I'm tired, I need a break. And besides, you're better at dealing with cold climes than I am. You have better traction and you don't suffer from the cold the same."

"What Luigi is trying to say," said Yoshi, piping up. "-Is that you're fat and therefore, you can stay nice and warm."

"Hmm," said Mario, ignoring that comment. "Well, after taking all of this into consideration, I now only have one thing to say, Luigi."

"And what's that?" he asked innocently.

"GET YOUR FREAKING ASS THROUGH THAT PAINTING BEFORE I KICK YOU THROUGH IT!" Mario yelled.

"Alright, alright," Luigi sighed as he snatched the Power Flower that Mario held out for him. "But don't think I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart."

"Ah, Luigi. Be glad you're not rescuing Waluigi or something like that. I mean, some idiots thought that he was here too but that's crazy, he's good for getting beaten up in Tennis and Party games only. And Wario only came for cake which is, of course, a lie. Now have fun!"

Luigi gave him a look to suggest that this wasn't over before activating the wonderful Power Flower. He disappeared before their very eyes, kicked Mario since he couldn't see him doing so and slipped past the mirror and into the painting.

"Wow," said Yoshi. "I think that was just a cover-up because he's feeling cowardly. Maybe the Toads were right after all!"

"Yoshi, that wasn't very nice," said Mario, supporting his brother even though he was now sporting a massive bruise.

"I'm sorry."

"Besides," said Mario. "Only I can say things like that because as the elder brother, I have the right to do so. And now, I have two important questions for you, Yoshi. One: why the hell does a Lakitu with a camera keep following us about?"

The Lakitu smiled nervously as Yoshi stared at him and said: "Fancy saying cheese for the camera?" He screamed as Yoshi swallowed him and the cloud. "No Lakitu, no problem!" said Yoshi.

"And second: do you fancy getting a pizza?"

"Ooh, I thought you'd never ask."

Luigi shivered as the icy wind, taking the lazy course, blew straight through him rather than going around him as any decent wind might have decided to do. Luigi knew that Mario knew that he absolutely _hated_ this freezing environment; thank goodness for white gloves and warm caps was all that he could say. And another thing too; what was with all the caps dotted about the place? Had someone purposefully made copies of Mario's, Wario's and Luigi's caps just so that they could place them at strategic points and give them magical transformative abilities? This was confusing. Special Mushrooms, Leaves, and all that, sure, they made perfect sense, but the caps? Who else apart from themselves were going to wear them anyway? And besides, yellow was an awful colour for a cap; green was far superior and was indeed, the new black or something like that.

Luigi reluctantly pulled on Wario's Cap at one point so he could then activate the Power Flower with Wario's ability and walk across the frozen ice bridge with a metal armour so that he wouldn't be blown off course. Being Wario was so slow even a Toad would have been able to outstrip him. Especially if they were running away from something and screaming like Toads were wont to do.

Luigi was actually glad when an enemy attacked him causing him to lose the effects of the cap once he had got to the other side. Being Wario was not cool. In fact, being Wario made him feel guilty for looking at cakes and food in general. Wario's fatness, nay, his _obesity_, turned Luigi's stomach and then there was the slight hygiene problem. And even after he gladly removed the cap, he had a strange and terrible urge to merrily chase after the coins; the shiny, glittering, lustrous coins. There was a pile of the beauties just waiting to be collected from a floating ice block in the middle of nowhere (just how an ice block floated in mid-air in the first place was beyond him).

Dollar signs at the ready, people. Just look at those lovely coins. KA-CHING!

"Mmm, coins…" Luigi mumbled. Oh, great. Wearing Wario's Cap apparently turned people into maniac coin collectors, treasure-hunters and sheer greedy gits. Clothes made the man after all as did caps. Eyeing up the coins, Luigi made a graceful leap that Wario wouldn't have been able to manage in a million years. He dreaded to think of Wario copying his leaping abilities with his cap.

Sometimes, coin-collecting had fatal consequences.

Luigi couldn't explain even to himself just how he managed to get stuck halfway in a floating ice block and the coins winked out of existence infuriating Luigi all the more. He thought he heard a cackle but then, he was probably going all delusional what with this freezing weather and all that. From the safety of the ice shelf, a gang of bullying Bullies laughed at him and frozen in place, Luigi couldn't even turn around to give them a piece of his mind. Then everything went mysteriously quiet. Luigi was glad of this. It allowed him to concentrate on the problem of trying to get his freezing backside out of the ice. This was where Wario's fatness and perhaps, strength would come in handy.

"I'm gonna kill Mario for getting me into this…" Luigi sighed. His feet were like two blocks of ice. Actually, they were two blocks of ice. Where was a Fire Flower when you needed one?

Somebody must have heard him since inexplicably, the ice started to melt courtesy of someone breathing fire. Luigi was grabbed by a long tongue and thrown onto the ice shelf, unfortunately slamming face-first into the ice during the process. At least he was free. That was a relief.

"That was snow joke."

"Yoshi," Luigi said. "That was such a terrible joke, it was unbelievable and that is no joke. Hey!" he suddenly realised. "Yoshi! How in the heck did you get here? There aren't any caps in the castle for you to wear so that you can use my Power Flower. Oh, and thanks for saving me by the way."

"Beats me," said Yoshi shrugging. "One minute, I was standing next to the mirror minding my own business after I ate the Lakitu, don't ask, and the next, I was flipped into the air, through the mirror, and into the painting that you went through."

"Ouch, didn't that hurt?" Luigi winced. "That could have cut you to pieces!"

"I would have been all cut up about it!"

"Oh, hahaha," Luigi sighed. "Come on; let's go beat Chief Chilly together shall we? The sooner we get out of here, the better."

After floating over to the isolated ice island via the effects of Mario's Power Flower, similar to that of the good old P Balloon, Luigi and Yoshi finally made it to Chief Chilly. Luigi grinned to himself. He was going to have so much fun making a mockery of Wario once they freed him. OK, so Luigi had been captured as well but he had got captured by the king of all ghosts; Wario had been captured by what was essentially a bigger Bully (a bigger bully than Wario himself in fact) with a fondness for moustaches. Yup, and Luigi needed to get back at Wario anyway.

Chief Chilly was reading the newspaper as one does when he suddenly noticed the pair walking up to him, one cracking his knuckles ready for a fight. He had a moustache. The other one, poor thing, did not have a moustache. One simply had to have a moustache to get far in life. He threw the newspaper down and touched his moustached of glory for luck before confronting them.

"Hmm?" he said to Yoshi. "I see you have no moustache. Poor, bald, little creature. It's not a fair fight for you, but luckily, I'm not a fair fighter. Let's go!"

"Alright! Just because you have a moustache and I don't, doesn't mean you have to go all superior on me!" said Yoshi, highly affronted.

"Er, hold on," said Luigi. "Why are you saying that to Yoshi anyway? Yoshi isn't meant to be here and your words sounded scripted to me."

"That's because they are scripted, fellow moustachioed fellow," said Chief Chilly. And indeed, he pulled out a script. "See? I have different lines depending on who you came as since I know only you can get through the mirror. Or that was the plan anyway. There was probably meant to be a cap for your Yoshi pal in the first place; that's the only explanation I can think of. And my Bullies probably took it. Oh, no! Now you two have gone and ruined my awesome introduction! Can we try that again?"

"If you really want to," said Luigi carefully. Chief Chilly cleared his throat and read his lines for Luigi instead.

"You there, with the moustache!" he barked. "I am the king of cold, Chief Chilly. I lock up anyone who challenges the superiority of my 'stache. In fact, I locked up one such fellow the other day. Hmm. What a sad, mangy moustache you've got there. It hardly seems worth it to destroy you. With a 'stache like that, you're clearly the sidekick, not the star. But I'm in between meetings now so I might as well. In the battle for the best moustache, I'll win hairs down. Hahaha! Bring it on peach fuzz!"

Luigi and Yoshi stared at him for a while longer than was comfortable.

"OK…" said Yoshi. "All this talk about moustaches is kinda sad if you ask me. And if you keep locking people up because they are challenging your moustache, then you must be afraid that everyone has a better moustache than you."

"Did you just insult the moustache?" Luigi seethed. "Did you just call me a sidekick? I AM NOT A SIDEKICK FOR THE LOVE OF SANITY! DIE, CHIEF CHILLY! DIE!"

"No-one insults Luigi's moustache," Yoshi remarked as Luigi launched himself at Chief Chilly, screaming like a madman and making Chief Chilly scream like a girly. "Ooh, right in the icicle, ouch, that was below the belt. Owowow, right in the crown! I'm glad Luigi isn't fighting me! You know, this whole moustache thing was probably part of Mario's plan all along. I'm impressed."

"NOOOO!" Chief Chilly cried as he was unceremoniously tossed into the cold waters. "That wasn't fair at all, you hairless pal didn't even do anything! Whoops, must stick to the script. *Ahem.* No way! I lost to such a scrawny guy like that…? Hmmmm, did I not groom my moustache well enough? I must hurry home and condition it! Farewell!"

Luigi and Yoshi waited for Chief Chilly to drop the key and hurry home except there was one problem.

"Actually, I can't get out of the water! Somebody help me!"

"Dear me," said Luigi. "Do you need the help of a sidekick? Or can sidekicks not be able to do that?"

"Luigi, I've been a sidekick too you know," said Yoshi patiently.

"Yoshi, I'm the brother of the world's most famous hero and yet you have had more stand-alone titles than I have, one of mine which I do not care to remember. You can't blame me for feeling a little peeved. Still, I have a massive fan club so that's alright."

"My moustache has been completely ruined by this icy water!" Chief Chilly began to sob loudly. Luigi took pity on him since moustaches were exceedingly important. He threw him a bottle.

"Why don't you use this 'Super Ultra Moustache Restorer and Strengthener?'" said Luigi. "I highly recommend it; it will do wonders for your moustache and give it a new lease of life." Yoshi shook his head; he just couldn't understand it at all. He understood it even less when Chief Chilly came zooming out of the waters with his moustache glowing brightly as if it had been in contact with a Power Star. Chief Chilly was delighted.

"You use this stuff, Luigi?" he asked.

"Why do you think it's so luxurious?" Luigi replied, grinning. "Trust me, my lady fans love it."

"This is wonderful!" cried Chief Chilly. "The luxuriousness of the moustache cannot be understated! I see on closer inspection that your moustache is actually quite good but nevertheless, I shall carry on conditioning mine so that no-one can challenge it, especially that smelly, ugly and rude fellow that I locked up. That reminds me, here's the key. I apologise for your lack of facial hair by the way," he said to an unamused Yoshi. "Perhaps we shall meet again anyway. Good day to you, fellows!"

Chief Chilly then vanished in a flash of light although why he didn't do so in the water before puzzled Yoshi. In any case, Luigi and Yoshi returned to the castle with the key in hand. Luigi decided to pay Mario a visit before freeing Wario; the fat guy was probably eating garlic in his room and there was _no way_ that Luigi was going to go in there if that was the case.

"Mario," said Luigi when he walked in onto his brother. "Have you been stuffing yourself on pizza while me and Yoshi have been risking life and limb?"

"Who, me?" said Mario guiltily as he kicked the box aside. "I wondered where Yoshi had got to and why there was still pizza left. And hey, you've got the key! I told you that you could do it, Luigi! Don't look at me like that, I was hungry. And we could only get one. And I said to the pizza guy, 'What, only one pizza?'"

"Hey, that's one of the pizza quotes from Super Mario Bros: Super Show!" said Yoshi brightly. "I could say some more of your quotes if you like such as this one: 'Must be a beehive nearby, and when there's bees, there's raviolis smothered with honey.'

Mario and Luigi were about to gag Yoshi for even daring to mention the phrase 'Super Mario Bros: Super Show', when they suddenly stopped in their tracks.

"That was a quote?" said Luigi.

"What the hell?" said Mario. "That makes no sense at all!"

"Just like these stories then," said Luigi. "Come on guys, let's free Wario…"

* * *

**Hooray, it's only taken me ages but I've finally got it! I didn't fancy forcing the humour before when in writer's block mode and that's partially why it's taken so long. And yes, there are weird quotes from that… show. Yoshi is not supposed to be able to go into Chief Chilly's Challenge but there is a way to do so apparently...**

**DFKJR's request next! (Thank you for your patience.)**


	25. Super Small

**Sorry for the long wait, DFKJR but now it's finally up! Super Mario Bros has many interesting glitches indeed that a lot of people probably aren't aware of and will likely feature in the future. This one involves the strange Small Mario glitch that essentially makes small super and super small. Let's do it then!**

* * *

**25. Super Small**

"JUST HOW MANY LIVES DOES THIS PLUMBER HAVE?" Bowser roared. "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO KEEP A PRINCESS KIDNAPPED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?" He had heard the news from one of his minions that once again, his wonderful Decoy Bowser had been defeated and now the plumber was merrily continuing on his way through yet another world. That plumber… it wasn't exactly the typical occupation for a so-called hero but this Mario sure was putting a wrench in the works, and indeed, a spanner.

"I calculate that he has three lives left, your Gnarliness," said Bowser's right-hand and highly trusted minion, Kamek. Usually, Kamek was in the background somewhere while he left his royal Koopa to do the usual business of curb-stomping, plumber-stomping and coming up with ridiculous plots and schemes and so forth. I mean, really, the axe on the bridge? The first decoy had only managed to slice its tail on that and it came back to the main castle whimpering, with its tail between its legs so to speak.

"I didn't mean literally, Kamek," Bowser grumbled. "But seriously, if he gets past the next decoy, then all he has to face then is me! Although I am awesome, there is no doubt about that. But still… what if he actually gets here?"

"Why worry, your Awesomeness?" asked Kamek smoothly. "If you're so awesome, then there is no possible way that Mario could beat you! Of course, I am saying this as a way of fulfilling my role of toadying minion but you don't need to worry about that."

"He's gonna take the princess away from me!" Bowser wailed, completely ignoring his toadying Magikoopa. This was not an unusual thing for him to do. Princess-nabbing was to become an extremely obsessive hobby.

"Why did you kidnap her in the first place anyway?" Kamek sighed. "You're currently doing nothing with her and at the moment, she is in the dungeons bartering for cake ingredients and beating up the guards in bare-knuckle contests just to show that she isn't some wimpy princess." This, you may note, was excellent practice for the Super Smash Bros tournaments that they would all later be involved in and besides, you've always wanted to know what Peach was doing behind the scenes, haven't you? And besides, cakes are forever wonderful and just rewards for people who have cheated death and slaved through several worlds on several occasions.

Kamek continued with some important and very sage advice that he prided himself on giving: "Take over the freaking kingdom already! You've already turned Toads and stuff into bricks, what gives?"

"Huh, for the evils I guess. Er, because it's fun. I don't know, because!" said Bowser, thus providing the perfect reason and example as to why most villains committed their villainous deeds. Kamek face-palmed himself.

"I know!" said Bowser, brightly. "I've just thought!"

"Quick, get the flags out…" Kamek muttered.

"Mario always seems to get powers from his power-ups, right?"

"That's what the name suggests, Lord Bowser."

"Well then, why can't you just curse Mario to make sure that he stays small? He can't use Fire Flowers and all of that when he's small. And besides, using Fire Flowers is cheating. Only the King of Awesome is allowed to use fire in any way, shape or form. Hell, yeah, that is a brilliant idea! Well, get to it then, Kamek."

Kamek gave another sigh. He needed a holiday. This is why you never saw him; Kamek was having a wonderful time sunning himself in Isle Delfino after he did the job for Bowser. Thank goodness for broomsticks was all that he could say.

* * *

Mario had an awful feeling that saving the princess was going to become a time-consuming habit for him in the future and it would become Bowser's time-consuming habit to kidnap the princess. He hoped the hero business would pay serious money. At least he was starting to develop some sweet athletic abilities such as the Wall Jump and the Midair Jump which with all due respect, he wasn't supposed to have mastered just yet and were the results of luck more than anything else but he had managed it and that was the main thing.

In any case, he hoped that this would be the last of the decoys and that Bowser would actually show up for the big showdown or whatever. This decoy that was currently spitting fireballs at him was probably a Hammer Bro in disguise or something.

"GWAHAHA! Things sure are heating up!" said the Decoy Bowser, fulfilling the role of spouting terrible puns. Good grief, even the voice sounded mechanical. Mario lazily dodged the stream of fire and pondered on when to make his move to the axe. But why was it that villains made themselves so obvious to defeat? It was just asking for trouble…

"GAH! He's got to this point already?" Kamek groaned to himself. He had nearly killed his broomstick in getting here since there weren't any reversal Warp Pipes that he could sneak into. He watched the battle from a safe vantage point and considered when to make his move. Oh, if only the Yoshis hadn't meddled when he accidentally dropped Baby Mario onto Yoshi's Island; life would have been so much easier. Then again, evil wouldn't be as much fun without a challenge of sorts.

"Here I go!" Mario whooped as Decoy Bowser jumped into the air. Mario dashed underneath it and aimed for the axe.

_He's going to make it and that Bowser will be in the soup,_ thought Kamek quickly. _And I'll be in the soup if I don't do anything. No time for quick curses, I'll just have to blast it. _

Kamek swung his wand and a barrage of energy shot out, striking Decoy Bowser in the body and pushing said decoy straight back into Mario.

"Holy crap!" Mario exclaimed as he tried to avoid the dead weight of the giant Koopa. He leapt out of the way and onto the axe but Decoy Bowser's spikes did hit him. This did not hurt as much as standing on a very sharp blade of course even while wearing shoes with rather thick soles.

"YEOWYEOWYEOW!" Mario yelled as he hopped about, nursing his injured foot. "Whose idea was it to put an axe there anyway?" Decoy Bowser growled and slipped into the hot lava below as the bridge predictably gave away beneath it. The disguise was burnt to cinders and a Hammer Bro came rushing out of it screaming that he was on fire. Mario's body momentarily flashed due to the injury but then he was surprised to discover that he was still the same size (though how he managed to change size anyway with the use of mushrooms for heaven's sake was beyond him).

"Why you lucky son-of-a-bitch!" Kamek cursed (not the sort of curse he was looking for really). "Why do the heroes always get lucky? Why can't we villains have some luck for a change?"

"Oh, god, not another Toad…" Mario moaned as a Toad, looking remarkably the same as all of the other Toads that he had previously rescued, popped out on cue. "Are you the same Toad that keeps getting kidnapped all of the time or do you have a lot of brothers that look exactly like you?"

"That's Mushroom Retainer to you, Mario," said the Toad, er, Mushroom Retainer, reprimanding his saviour. "Titles are very important you know. Anyway, let me say my line, that's important too. Thank you, Mario, but-"

"-Your princess is in another castle," Mario finished off. "Yeah, yeah, I get the drift."

"Actually, it's 'Thank you, Mario, but OUR princess is in another castle.' Not your princess, it's _our_ princess, we're supposed to be doing the protecting after all and no slight on our poor job of it, please. Anyway, do you know how many people misquote that line? That's right, a lot of people do. It really annoys me, you know."

"You know, it's not as if I've had to free you from a cage or untie you or anything so why have you been waiting here all this time when you could have just run away through the exit?" Mario pointed to the door which had a big, flashing sign above it saying 'ESCAPE THIS WAY.'

"Oh, well… umm… didn't notice that before!" said the Mushroom Retainer aka Toad, brightly. "But if I had escaped through the back door, then I wouldn't have been able to give you this Super Mushroom! …Why do you think that we're called Mushroom Retainers anyway? We _retain_ mushrooms."

"Oh, yippee, another Super Mushroom," said Mario with mock joy. He stared at it and wondered why everything had eyes on them. It was freaky. Even the hills had eyes. "I don't really need it at the moment but I may as well have it. Cheers, Toad."

"That's Mushroom Retainer to you!"

"What the hell?" said Mario after he swallowed the Super Mushroom. "This isn't super at all! I've gone small again!" He had indeed shrunk to half his usual size.

Kamek saw this and was greatly amused by it just as he was about to fly away. Though he didn't project a curse exactly, it was surely his efforts that caused this to happen to Mario so he gave himself a pat on the back for a job well done. He also gave a customary evil cackle since this was right and proper for minions to do as well as their villainous bosses. Kamek zipped off on his broom and immediately booked his paradise holiday.

Toad sniggered to himself. "You could say you've gone super small!"

"Oh, very funny!" Mario snapped. He was feeling pretty low now and he had a short fuse.

"I mean, that was definitely a Super Mushroom, it wasn't as if I gave you a Mini Mushroom or anything like that since they haven't been discovered yet. Would you like another one? It might put you back to full height again although your full height isn't saying much…"

"Oh, yeah? Well, if I have that, it might just finish me off! So thanks for nothing Mr Mushroom Retainer. I'm off; I've got a princess to save no thanks to you."

"Touchy…" the Toad tutted as Mario stomped off through the convenient back door. "Well make sure you don't hit anything although I doubt anyone will notice you when you're that size! WAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

"I never thought I'd say this but I knew you always looked up to me, Mario!" Bowser cracked up with laughter as did his minions in the audience following their boss's cue. Mario glared at him. "Of course, I think 'little' of you myself even though heroes of your stature are in short supply!" Mario waited for the laughter to die down again. It had been _hell_ getting here without trying to take a single hit since dying was never a pleasurable experience and now he was being subjected to all the jokes about his height. It was just not his day.

"I guess you're a little short on humour," Bowser smirked. He decided now would be a good time to gear himself up for the battle.

"I am going to drag you down to my level and beat the living crap out of you!" Mario yelled.

"How low can you go?" Bowser whined. "Oh, I see, you're already there." Bowser quickly dodged as Mario launched himself at his enemy. Oh, yes, being evil was so much fun; Kamek had actually done a good job on this one which was why he was more than happy to let him go on his holiday to wherever it was. Isle Delfino sounded nice; he decided he would visit that place at some point and probably wreak havoc.

"Don't go hitting below the belt, Mario!" said Bowser. "Then again, that's all you'll be able to hit. As for me, you're too small to hit below the belt so I'll just hit you on the head instead, how about that? The again, I won't be able to see you at all since I'll be pile-driving you into the earth."

"Oh, for crying out loud," Mario muttered. He whipped out a Fire Flower that he had picked up earlier but had been afraid to use since he didn't know whether it was going to kill him or not. Nevertheless, he needed some sort of weapon up his sleeves.

"Nice try, Mario," Bowser laughed. "But I know you can't use that power-up when you're stuck in such a small position. What are you going to do, sneeze a flame at me?"

Mario activated the Fire Flower and to his surprise and Bowser's anger, he actually did gain the Fire Flower's powers. The not-quite-a-curse had obviously backfired. Mario wished he knew this earlier. Kamek was lucky that he was too far away for Bowser to pulverise him.

"Now we're cooking!" said Mario happily. "Do ya feel lucky, punk?"

"No, not really," said Bowser paling. "But that won't stop me from turning you into an Italian roast! AHHHH! No fair! No fair!" Bowser cried as Mario began throwing a load of fireballs at him. It really wasn't fair. If he was meant to be this awesome, fire-breathing monster of a Koopa, then surely he would be pretty well impervious to fire itself. And the fact that Mario grew and shrank after tossing each fireball was confusing as well; whatever it was that Kamek did, he needed to sort out his supposed curses or whatever they were supposed to be.

Bowser suddenly wished that he hadn't placed a large pool of lava underneath the bridge even though lava pools were the current in-thing for villainous lairs. You could never have too many lava pools. He slashed out at Mario in a last-ditch attempt to hurt him. This only resulted in Mario growing back to super-size. Mario placed a finger on the axe and Bowser plummeted to the lava below with a loud roar and an "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, MARIO! NOOOOOO!" Always with the dramatics, always with the dramatics…

Mario ignored the giant Koopa King's screams as he was reduced to nothing but an ashy skeleton (although this didn't explain how he managed to kidnap Peach again a week later). Mario freed Peach and the Toads that were with her. A couple of the Toads were probably ones that he came across earlier and all was right with the world since he was taller than them again. Mario was presented with a cake. This was a good thing, he liked cakes. This was just as well since he was going to have to get used to them.

"Told you I could do it," he said to the Toad from the last castle with a smirk. The Toad said nothing.

"Oh, no!" screamed a Goomba who randomly came out of nowhere. "You've killed our lord Bowser! Why, you murderer!"

"What did you expect me to do?" asked Mario. "Give him a cup of tea? And besides, he wanted to kill me first."

"This is for Lord Bowser…" the Goomba snivelled. It walked up to Mario and didn't so much as bite him or anything like that as tap him.

"How does that make me lose a life?" Mario yelled as he plummeted to the strange black depths of below. "Damn you black screen of death! DAMN YOU!"

"What is he talking about?" said Peach to one of the Toads.

"I have absolutely no idea," the Toad answered. "Can we have a slice of cake though? Oh, I just thought. Mario will be small again. Hey, titch, we'll save you some crumbs because you won't be able to manage a full slice!"

The Toad cackled as Mario came on the scene looking decidedly small again. Mario didn't understand any of this but then again, neither did anyone else.

* * *

**Because who needs logic when you have fantasy? Oh, by the way, check out the Wreck-It Ralph trailer if you haven't already. You may find it interesting…**


	26. The Sugary Thing

**Long time no see! You'd have thought that the long holidays would have done something for me but it just drained me instead and now I'm starting university. What can I say? I'm spontaneous, not predictable. :p (P.S I apologise to DarkFoxKit; I haven't done your request yet but no matter how long it takes me, I always pledge to do people's requests as long as I can do a good enough story for them.) **

**Anyway, over the holidays, I've been watching a certain cartoon series made of brilliance with one particular skit that has done much to inspire me to write this. There are no glitches today, just a hilarious parody. Happy reading!**

* * *

**Chapter 26: The Sugary Thing…**

"Oh, stars above! Not that! Anything but that!"

"What have we done to deserve this? We're innocent, I tell you! Innocent! For all the nice readers out there, spare us Toad! SPARE US!"

Now, as you may have gathered, something truly horrific was about to happen to Mario and Luigi and unfortunately for them, they had no way of getting out of it. Yes, it was probably on par with Wart's torture of the entire gang when he forced them to watch the old Mario cartoons and the film. But somebody had to deal with the purple monstrosity that had invaded their otherwise happy lives; this was what heroes were for, right? However, the purple monstrosity was on a moral mission and it had quite a few things to point out in their course of heroism. So they weren't really innocent after all and were probably viewed as bullies if not mass murderers by The Thing.

"Sorry, Mario, sorry… uh, Green Mario Brother Guy but-"

"My name's Luigi," said Luigi through gritted teeth. Honestly, this whole business was bad enough but it would be marginally better if the Toad who was taking them to their new torture grounds could at least remember his name. It would have been better if _he_ was going instead and have the spores scared off him…

"Yeah, well," sighed the Toad basically ignoring our green-capped hero. "Well, anyway, as you already know but I'm repeating this for the sake of the audience, Princess Peach got a letter saying that you two were promoting violence as a way of solving everything by jumping on enemies' heads, whacking them with hammers, setting fire to them, freezing them, using all sorts of nasty implements just to teach them a lesson basically. And so you have to be taught a moral lesson from now on friendship, love and all that crap. And _he's_ afraid that this violence may corrupt the minds of the young when they should be learning that the world is a happy, happy place and everything is super-de-duper! … Or something like that anyway."

"Bloody Moral Guardians," Mario muttered.

"Well, what do you expect?!" Luigi exclaimed. "Does he want us to give them a cuppa and tell them that all they have to do is make friends to get over their little problems? Have a little sing-song? Hell, I've lost count on how many times the Mushroom Kingdom's nearly been destroyed. I'd like to see _him_ deal with that."

"So we're being punished?" Mario asked in the hope that this was all just a big mistake. Either that or he was just having a horrible nightmare. He asked Luigi to hit him just to make absolutely sure that he was awake. He wasn't asleep but he was now in quite some pain since Luigi set fire to his overalls.

"Yep. And I think you have to spend all day with him too," said Toad. He then smirked. He wasn't the one being 'punished' after all. "And it's all going to be happy happy happy, yum-yum doodle dum!"

"Don't you start!" Luigi snapped as he and his brother was dragged backwards to the portal that would take them to a world so saccharine that their teeth were rotting just thinking about it. "Oh, God, I swear I shall never touch a hammer again if this is the reward we get! Why, Peach? Why did you let this happen to us?! WHY? WHYYYYYYY?!"

"Damn, I hate purple dinosaurs!" Mario yelled, his fingers scraping the earth beneath them.

"I heard that and I'm very insulted!" a purple Yoshi cried as he whacked Mario on the nose with an egg.

"I don't mean you! Everybody who knows me knows that I love Yoshis since you're technically not a dinosaur anyway and who doesn't love Yoshis? But you don't understand! You're not the one going through with this!" Mario started raving madly. "It wasn't me, I didn't do it! It's Bowser's fault, I tell you! I've lost lives thanks to him, punish him! PUNISH HIM! PUNISH HIM! PUNISH HIM! PUNISH HIM! ARRRRRGH! I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CONTINUES LEFT!"

Mario and Luigi vanished in the portal as soon as the burly Hammer Bros. shoved them through. They breathed a sigh of relief and quickly whispered a prayer of thanks to the Star Spirits that it wasn't they who were being put through this awful ordeal. They also asked for Mario and Luigi to not suffer too much before they all ran off, including the Toad, to the local pub to get drunk off Golden Hammer and hence, get hammered. Hey, that was a fairly reasonable reaction considering the circumstances.

The fun part, of course, would be to get Bowser through the portal as well. They would just have to omit certain truths; that is all. Bowser would have the delight of meeting a friendly friend of a dinosaur whose name also began with 'B'…

* * *

"Neato completo yippee!" the purple monstrosity squealed. "My new friendly friends have arrived at last to have some golly goshilicious fun and gamealoos! We are going to have some fun-fun doodle dum yum! Ahahahahaha!"

Mario and Luigi, having recovered a little, could only stare at each other and wonder if this guy was for real. Of course, it was supposed to be a stuffed toy for crying out loud but the thought of having to spend the entire day with the lumpy thing was too much to contemplate. Fighting Bowser, the Shadow Queen, the Shroob Princess and Fawful with both their hands tied behind their backs suddenly seemed a much more delightful idea. No wonder the kids who were supposed to interact with… The Thing had either gone mad, run away or become tough-as-marshmallow delinquents.

"Er, that's OK," said Luigi, managing to speak at last. "But we've already done the games and parties back at home because we're such very nice friendly people so we were thinking about watching a film instead… At home."

""Oh, how de-delightful!" The Thing squealed again. "As long as there was none of that nasty wasty adult pop that makes you go all tiddly-widdly woopsy-doodle and fall on the floor because that would hurt!"

"Oh, I don't know," said Mario. "I think adults such as ourselves are allowed to enjoy adult pop when they need cheering up and on that note, I think I could really do with one right now…"

"Aww, don't be so sad!" it said far too cheerily. Mario was suddenly engulfed by a massive hug. He cried on the inside. "I shall cheer you up and make you feel all warm and fuzzy-wuzzy inside so that you don't hurt people anymore because we are very, very nice on this show because I know that you're really, really nice inside really. Ahahaha! I love me! It's super-de-duper!"

"Well, someone has to love you…" Luigi muttered. He shakily held a cup of tea that was given to him by a thoroughly terrified Prop Princess. Mind you, the prop princess wasn't a bad looker…

"I'm glad my moniker's 'Super Mario' and not 'Super-de-Duper Mario' otherwise I would have to commit a Game Over…" Mario groaned.

The Thing danced about on the spot, as if it had been complemented in some way. Mario shook his head. How could responsible adults subject their innocent children to this mass of extra-sweet sugar? Yes, Peach had done their kingdom a great service by banning all broadcasting of the show but that didn't excuse her for making the pair come here when she could have just sent a couple of thermo-nuclear warheads in the dinosaur's direction.

"Now which gosh and goshum gamealoo shall we play first?" the thing asked. "We could play Snakes and Ladders… except snakes are scary things so we would have to have wiggly worms instead. Or we could play Poohsticks except that sounds dirty. Hmm… do you nice fellows have any ideas? After all, we are going to make love, not war!"

"We're what?" the brothers said in unison.

"Make love! Make love of course!"

Mario immediately had to stop himself from laughing out loud while at the same time, he slapped Luigi on the back to stop him choking on his cup of tea. At this point, any slightly sane thing would probably have frowned but The Thing kept grinning its sweet and sickly grin.

"What is it?" he said, utterly confused which wasn't difficult. "There's nothing with making love! It's a good thing! Especially when you're with me!"

"No thanks, I already have a girlfriend," Mario wheezed between laughs. Luigi was on the floor, unable to contain himself. It took them ages to recover and The Thing also started chuckling because laughing was a good thing surely? It didn't help matters though that Luigi had spilt tea all over himself in the worst place possible and that The Thing had picked up on this. Fortunately, Mario managed to reassure the monstrosity that he had just innocently spilt a drink on himself and there was no harm caused by the boiling liquid.

"I know!" The Thing clapped gleefully. "We could play a jolly game of Hide-And-Seek! Everybody loves Hide-And-Seek!"

"Great idea, purple thing!" Luigi exclaimed. "Tell you what: why don't my brother and I hide somewhere _very far away_ and you can count to 1000 in that corner over there?" Mario eagerly agreed to this proposal and added: "But you have to turn around otherwise that would be cheating and cheating is a naughty thing! ... Yeah, very naughty indeed."

"Gee," said The Sugary Thing perplexed. "Does 1000 come after seven-twenty or ninety-nine-nine?"

"I thought you were supposed to be educational," Mario muttered under his breath. He had a habit of doing this.

"Er… 1000 is a very big number and you have to start with 1," said Luigi. "You would have to count 1 a thousand times."

"Gee goshums, Lu-wee-gay," said The Sugary Thing. Luigi twitched at the cringeworthy mispronunciation of his name which wasn't exactly difficult to pronounce. "That's an awfully big number when we're only playing Hide-And-Seek in this little building! Ahahaha, you're silly!"

"Speak for yourself…" Luigi said through gritted teeth.

"We could always have a game of Pretend!" it announced as if it had won the lottery. Mario and Luigi could pretend to do a number of things but unfortunately, pretending to whack The Sugary Thing over the head with their beloved mallets did not have the same literal impact as their real mallets which had been confiscated. It took up a skipping rope and began to prance about the overly bright and colourful room while pretending to carry a walkie-talkie of some kind. "Barmy to Mario and Lu-wee-gay! Barmy to Mario and Lu-wee-gay! It looks like we're pretty close to finding treasure in this awfully old pyramid! Ooh, isn't this exciting?! Ahahahaha!"

"Mario and Luigi to Barmy, er-hahaha," said Mario from the safety of the other side of the room. "You do realise don't you that in old pyramids, you may find old mummies?"

"Why certainly!" said The Big Sugary Thing AKA Barmy. "And you get a lot of old daddies too!"

"Er, we're not sure that you understand," said Mario. "You see, I mean you might run into someone who doesn't want his treasure taken like… Tutankoopa."

Barmy shrieked when 'Tutankoopa' suddenly materialised in front of him waving its bandaged arms and groaned in a convincingly eerie way. While Barmy ran out of the saccharine room complaining about monsters in a nice environment for kiddies, Luigi quickly pulled the bandages off himself while Mario thanked the other Princess of props that helped them.

"Tut tut," said Mario. "You shouldn't have scared poor old Barmy like that, Luigi."

"Oh, dear, I'm ever so sorry," said Luigi sweetly. "And anyway, wasn't that tantamount to grave-robbing? Well this sure is teaching kids a good moral lesson!"

"We've done that ourselves," Mario pointed out.

"Yeah, but at least we don't televise it," said Luigi. "And most of the things we have taken are to help us save the world after all."

"Good point."

Barmy staggered back in and saw Mario and Luigi looking like the very pictures of innocence.

"Ooh, dearie me," he whimpered. "I hope that nasty creature isn't coming back to get me."

"I don't think it will, Barmy. It's probably been scared off," said Mario without a trace of irony.

"And besides, aren't we all friends here no matter how scary a creature looks?" said Luigi. "After all, it's what's inside that counts."

"Why, you're absolutely right, Lu-wee-gay!" said Barmy happily.

Now Luigi was subjected to a great big hug from The Sugary Thing. This was probably just as well since Barmy could not hear the stream of curses that erupted from Luigi when the hero was being smothered. Now Mario was the one who needed a refreshing cup of tea from a Prop Princess since there was quite obviously no alcohol in this overly colourful room. Seriously, it was giving Mario a headache and he had been to Isle Delfino when it was covered with psychedelic gloop.

Barmy released Luigi much to the latter's relief. The Princesses of Props then passed The Sugary Thing a message and once it remembered how to read, Barmy nearly cried with joy.

"Oh, lookie here! We're going to have another friendly friend to play with us! Isn't this super-de-duper?!"

"Yeah, really super-de-duper," said Mario. "This is my excited face. Just look at how excited I am." Luigi looked at Mario. There were happier clowns.

Suddenly, Bowser was shoved into the room and appeared to be in his normal state of mind i.e. grumpy, angry and confused with states steadily increasing with every passing second. Mario and Luigi practically jumped with joy. In fact, Luigi did but he hit his head on the ceiling on account of being the better jumper.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Mario rejoiced. "We're saved! Bowser's going to save us! …You know, I never thought that I'd say that."

"Mario, what the hell is going on here?" his nemesis growled. "One minute, I was dictating plans on how to kidnap Princess Peach again to my minions, the next, I end up here and there is no cake! I was told that there would be cake," he explained to the bemused brothers.

"The cake is a lie," said Luigi. "But if you want sugar then you can just eat The Sugary Thing over there." Bowser looked and grimaced.

"What do you take for, a Chubby Guy? I'd get a load of cavities in my pearlies. Wait…" he said as the penny was beginning to drop. "ARRRGH! WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! THIS IS A TORTURE ZONE!"

"Hello my newest friendaloo of fun!" said Barmy completely oblivious to Bowser's aghast stare. "Isn't it wonderful that we can all be such jolly good friends together? I should sing a song about it!" Barmy then cleared his throat:

"_Isn't this a joy? Lingy lingy lou! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! I am so full of joy!"_

"Great song," said Luigi after an uncomfortable period of silence. "You could practically be on radio on the sort of station at airs at three in the morning."

"Why, thank you, Lu-wee-gay!" Barmy tittered. Mario had to forcibly hold back his brother from hitting both the clueless Barmy and Bowser who had now started sniggering at the mispronunciation. "But I couldn't go on radio at three in the morning. That would be way past my bedtime!"

"Hey, Barmy!" two voices cried. "We're back from school and we had lots of fun doing our work and doing our homework at the after-school club!"

"Why, it's Baby Fop and BO!" said Barmy happily to the other two weird-looking dinosaurs. "So you had a good time did you? Good! Now I want to introduce to our newest fun-fun doodle yum doodle dum friends: Mario, Lu-wee-gay and Bowser!"

"IT'S LUIGI!" Luigi screamed. However, they didn't hear him as they merrily ran over to squeal: "HI, MARIO! HI, LU-WEE-GAY! HI, BOWSER! WELCOME TO BARMY-VILLE!"

"Am I in a nightmare?" Bowser asked.

"Unfortunately not," said Mario.

"We are all barmy…" Luigi groaned.

"And because Bowser has only just arrived a couple of moments before Baby Fop and BO did, you get the joy of playing with them, Bowser!" Barmy announced gleefully. Baby Fop and BO cheered and began dragging Bowser to his doom in another room (wouldn't Barmy be proud of that stupendous rhyming?)

Whether it was the over-powering sugariness of 'Barmy-Ville' or that Baby Fop and BO were actually a lot stronger than they looked, Bowser was helplessly dragged to another room known only 'The Playpen' and couldn't seem to put up much of a fight. He did scream however but Barmy assumed that he had stubbed his toe and offered to kiss it better. Bowser refused.

Mario and Luigi never did find out what exactly happened to Bowser that day but rest assured that it couldn't have been anything good for two weeks later, when Bowser had been planning to do his usual kidnap-the-princess routine, he entered the castle, took one look at the Mario Brothers and Princess Peach and broke down into tumultuous sobs.

Barmy then had another wonderful idea once Bowser had left. "I know! Let's make masks and guess who we are! We can some real goshilicious funaloos then can't we?"

"Well, I'm _Luigi,_" said Luigi, placing particular emphasis on his name. "He's Mario; you're Barmy in more ways than one. Well, that was a quick game, what shall we do now?"

"Nononono!" Barmy tittered. "We must make some masks first!"

"Oh, believe me," Luigi growled. "I've been wearing a mask since I got here. And it's gonna slip off if you mispronounce my name one more time…"

"Don't you wish you could have Majora's Mask?" Mario whispered to his brother. "Or Fierce Deity." Luigi nodded and sighed.

Just to give them a most wonderful treat, Barmy decided that he had to compose a song about having a pretend game with pretend masks. Mario and Luigi covered their ears.

"_I hold up a mask, lingy lingy lou! You guess who I am, lingy lingy lou!"_

"I wonder how those princesses of props manage to survive in this place," Luigi whispered as Barmy forced them to make masks. It was even worse when Baby Fop and BO joined the trio to make paper masks as well (don't ask what happened to Bowser). They began singing alongside Barmy and it was practically impossible to tell who the worst singer of the lot was.

"Beats me," said Mario. "We should rescue them. We're supposed to be heroes after all."

"And what can be more heroic than saving princesses from the nefarious clutches of overly-sugary, purple, polyester-stuffed, truly monstrous and creepy dinosaur thingies?" said Luigi.

"Guess who I am?!" said Barmy, holding up a paper plate with some squiggles over his face. BO and Baby Fop seemed to take the matter very seriously while Mario and Luigi turned their mind to more important matter such as how to kill or at least seriously harm Barmy.

"Are you… Funshine Bear?" Baby Fop guessed.

"Ahahaha, no!" said Barmy.

"Are you… Hello Kitty?" BO suggested.

"Ahahaha, no!" said Barmy cheerfully.

"Are you… Giygas?" said Luigi carefully.

"Ahahaha, nope!" said Barmy, having absolutely no idea who Giygas was.

"Are you…" said Mario. "A big, fat polyester dinosaur who is the colour of Wario's overalls with a paper plate over his face?"

"No!" said The Sugary Thing. "It's me, Barmy!"

"You're kidding!" Mario and Luigi exclaimed.

"Gee, that was a really fun game, Barmy!" Baby Fop giggled.

"Yeah, that has to be one of my favouritest games ever!" BO laughed.

"Goody goody! And now we have to guess who you are!" Barmy said to Mario and Luigi. The brothers looked at each other wearily before holding up their masks.

After several long minutes in which Mario and Luigi were desperately hoping for Bowser to gate-crash them and set fire to the place, (whatever had happened to him anyway?) Baby Fop, BO and Barmy had to finally give up with Barmy saying: "Gee, I don't know who you are."

"Well, I'm Shigeru Miyamoto," said Mario proudly.

"And I'm King Gustav 'Brickmeister' Whomp," said Luigi. "Benevolent Monarch to the Thwomp and Whomp population and chief architect for the construction of Princess Peach's Castle!"

"Oh, those were very good!" Barmy squealed as Baby Fop and BO clapped far too enthusiastically. "I sure had funny fun fun doodle dum dum yum yum fun!"

"Heyyyyy, Luigi, you gave me a great idea!" said Mario as a light-bulb suddenly switched on. "Why don't we sing the Thwomp Song?!"

"Ooh, the Thwomp Song, what's that?" Baby Fop and BO chorused.

"Gee, I don't know that one!" said Barmy. "But I'm sure it's a real hit!"

"Oh, you bet it is," said Mario.

"Some people out there would probably think that we are being too violent, the very things that Barmy wants to fight against in cartoons, video games and everything," said Luigi. "But hey, no-one's _really_ getting hurt here. Except us who are suffering merely by being here in the first place. So we're just balancing things out really."

Mario and Luigi got up and announced that they were about to start singing The Thwomp Song. Barmy looked as if he was about to cry with happiness. All of his hard work must have paid off to turn them into fun-loving funaloo friendly friends of friendship! There was even going to be a little dance routine to it. The brothers began to sing:

"_It's made of solid boulder._

_It weighs a ton or two._

_We know you'd like to meet it._

_It wants to meet you too!"_

"I lovey-dovey loved it!" Barmy cried. "Now why don't we- WHUUUUMPPHH!"

"I do believe that that is one of the most glorious sights I have ever seen," said Mario as the massive Thwomp not only crushed Barmy but Baby Fop and BO too who were probably likely as irritating since they were his protégés. The Thwomp rose upwards ready to crush something again. The Princesses of Props removed Baby Fop and BO.

However, Barmy sprang onto his feet and congratulated on them on their rather harmonious singing. He asked for them to sing it again even though he didn't want that mean old Thwomp to squash him for no reason. Mario and Luigi happily obliged.

"_It's made of solid boulder._

_It weighs a ton or two._

_So watch out my chubby friend._

_As one will fall on you!"_

Barmy clapped gleefully until the Thwomp suddenly crushed him again. Mario and Luigi clapped the Thwomp for its impressive squashing style. However, The Sugary Thing just wouldn't stay down.

"For crying out loud!" Mario screamed. "Die already!"

The Thwomp crushed Barmy again and this time Barmy did not get up from beneath the Thwomp.

"What the f***ing hell was that for, you bastards?!" Barmy cursed. "I do not love you. In fact, I hate you. HATE YOU! HAAAAAAATE YOU!"

"Did you hear something, bro?" Mario asked.

"Nah," said Luigi. "But one thing's for sure: he's not going to get my name wrong again."

"Where in the heck did that Thwomp come from anyway?" said Mario. "I didn't actually expect a Thwomp to come crushing Barmy."

"We had a Thwomp prop!" the Princesses of Props screamed from the rafters above. "Now please take us away from here! Save us from the terror! Please save us from the terror!" The Princesses of Props jumped down.

"Consider yourself saved," said Mario as he caught one of the Princesses.

"Neato completo yippee," said Luigi as he caught the other Princess. The brothers then kissed their saved princesses (since Peach wouldn't hear of this) and exited Barmy-Ville with the glowing satisfaction that with the help of the Prop Princesses, they had just saved the world from a truly horrifying evil indeed. And they didn't even have to sing the Goodbye Song.

* * *

**Did you get which episode I took inspiration from? It was 'Baloney and Kids' from Animaniacs. The Warner Trio, Yakko, Wakko and Dot are just awesome (especially Yakko, he's my favourite!). Yep, this was great fun to write! I had originally planned to watch a Barney episode to get some other ideas. I lasted about 5 minutes. Never again.**

**Anyway, as always, please tell me what you think! And send your condolences to Bowser for whatever sufferings he suffered. :D **


	27. Minus World (NES)

**Now, as you've been reading this series, you've probably been thinking: where is that famous glitch? You know the famous one? Well, wonder no longer! I don't even need to explain it, only that this is the NES version; I'll do the Famicom version later. **

* * *

** Chapter 27: Minus World (NES)**

"A-stomping we will go, a-stomping we will go, hi-ho the merry-o, a-stomping we will go!"

Whilst Mario was busy singing and simultaneously stomping on Goombas as heroes generally did, Luigi had the awful feeling that princess-saving was going to become a time-consuming habit for them. Indeed, had not Bowser expressed his desire to constantly kidnap the princess just for the hell of it? Or was it so that he could take over the kingdom? Something like that anyway. He also wondered what the heck he would be doing with Peach (or Princess Toadstool for those who had not earned the right to refer to her by her actual name) in the castle inexplicably at the end of the map. He tried and failed not to think about it too much; it wasn't as if they were of the same species after all.

"Er, Mario. Don't you think it would be a good idea to stop bashing those blocks?" he said. "You do realise that the Toads were supposed to have been turned into these things? What would the remaining Toads think? We'd be murderers!"

"It'll be fine, little bro!" Mario laughed as he smashed another block for good measure. A Mushroom popped out of it which Mario immediately collected. "We're not killing them; we're merely… separating their brick components so that when they do get turned back to normal, it will be easier for Peach to reconstruct them again with her magic. Not that I've ever seen her use magic before. I haven't even heard of her having magic. It might have been useful to use it against Bowser so that she wouldn't be kidnapped…" he muttered. It was a fair point.

"Well… Bowser's probably good with magic so… maybe he overpowered her. I don't know; that's why that other Toad came running for us to help out!"

"And because we're such good heroes, that's why we decided to head on this quest," said Mario sweetly.

_"But thou must!" the Toad cried out as he stopped Mario and Luigi from running away._

"_Haven't you got guards for this sort of thing?" Mario yelled. "What the hell do we pay our coins for? The lack of security at the castle is appalling. You do realise that we're only plumbers don't you? Fixing pipes and that sort of thing?"_

_"Well that's perfect!" the Toad announced. "Because you'll be going down lots of Warp Pipes. Lots and lots of Warp Pipes. And you'll get cake at the end of the adventure! And destiny says so anyway, you've got to rescue her. Or else we are all DOOMED!"_

_"I don't think so," said Luigi nervously. "Like Mario said, we're just a couple of plumbers. We can jump sure, but we don't even know how to do a Wall Jump."_

_"Look, Mario and Green Plumber Guy. Just get out there and find the princess or I'll STICK THESE MUSHROOMS WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE! Oh yeah, and she might be in another castle."_

"At least we'll never have to worry about bills again," Mario mused as he punched 10 coins out of a floating block. "Has anyone ever wondered where these blocks come from? Or what effect they would have on the economy? Who puts the coins in these things? You know, I could think really deeply about this… Oh, and by the way, Luigi. You're supposed to use your fist to break these blocks not headbutt them," he said as Luigi suddenly gained a throbbing skull form headbutting solid brick. Luigi groaned and nearly fell into a bottomless pit before he managed to Wall Jump out of it despite never having been able to do so in the first place. Again, who in the hell constructed bottomless pits? Were they constructed for the purpose for catching wayward adventurers unawares SO THAT THEY COULD BE EATEN ALIVE?! Or were they just simply very deep holes and so could therefore, not be bottomless? This was nuts, where was the logic in all of this? Oh yeah, this was the Mushroom Kingdom: there could be no logic.

"I'm going to be sick!" an unfortunate Koopa cried as Mario jumped on it and then kicked its shell so that it would be bounce between two stones for all eternity, at least until it died.

"You know what?" said Mario, ignoring the screaming of one of his many foes. "I can't be bothered with this whole traipsing across several kingdoms and castles just to hear that the princess will be in another castle. Let's just take the Warp Zone and skip a few worlds, shall we?"

"The hell?" Luigi questioned. "You're sliding through a wall for absolutely no reason whatsoever."

"Meh. Can't be bothered with the whole jumping on top of the wall thing either, especially as we're probably going to get crushed by the invisible wall behind us if we don't get moving already."

Luigi had no choice but to follow and once Mario disposed of the angry Piranha Plant merely by staring at it (since it must have had some reason to suddenly disappear like that), both brothers entered the Warp Pipe. Sure, they skipped a great distance that would have normally taken several hours to traverse across, longer if they kept dying by running into Bullet Bills or whatever, but they didn't know what would be happening to them next…

"See? Perfectly fine. We've just ended up in a water level that's all where we can dine on calamari and sushi," said Mario, referring of course, to the Bloopers and Cheep Cheeps. "We swim through here, avoid those enemies, get the flagpole and bam! One massive step closer to Peach."

"Remind me why we can breathe and talk underwater," said Luigi as they began to make their way through the perilous sea where everything was trying to eat them. Mario had no answer to that. It didn't make sense, especially when they went on later adventures and they found to their utmost horror that they suddenly could not breathe underwater. But they could in space. Except they couldn't when they went saving the entire universe from the continuous growth of the Chaos Heart. It was all terribly confusing except when it wasn't. Mario shrugged and pulled out a Fire Flower from his overalls. He then proceeded to throw fireballs at all the enemies in sight. He sighed with relief. If anything made sense, it was dispatching enemies with great balls of fire because they were then dead.

"And so we have got to the end of another level," Mario announced as he leapt off the flagpole. Luigi, just to show off, performed a triple somersault from the top of it. Mario was jealous; he could never manage that. "And even better, it's in World 7; Toad mentioned something about water levels around this area. Anyway, onwards to victory, princess-saving and so forth."

"Correct me if I'm wrong," said Luigi. "But haven't we already passed this bit? Part of my overalls is there where a Cheep Cheep bit me in the ass." Luigi was indeed correct. This was that water level again but looped. Mario frowned.

"Must just be a long water marathon…" he muttered.

* * *

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do, we swim, swim!" Mario sang as they entered yet another water section. He was starting to lose it. All they could see for miles was water and of course, that dreaded Warp Pipe at the end. How on earth were they supposed to escape from this watery hell, the Minus World, the depths of which they had plunged into?

"So much for things going swimmingly…" Luigi sighed as his muscles screamed at him to stop swimming. Their lives count had being slowly creeping downwards due to collisions with Bloopers and that sort of thing. They must have been highly poisonous or something otherwise how could they die practically straight away when it only just about tapped them? "Goddamn it, Mario, this is all your fault! If we had just gone through the Warp Zone the right way in the first place…"

"Oh, don't put a dampener on things," Mario groaned. "And besides, you didn't exactly disagree with it yourself so stop being shallow!"

"No, I'm in deep water actually, not to mention hot water no thanks to you."

"Actually, it's bloody freezing I'll you know. Oh for crying out loud, we can't keep going on like this. We must have, what, passed this area 8, 16, 64 times? I've lost count, this is hopeless…"

"I sea what you mean but are you shore?"

"Oh, very good," Mario sighed, recognising the pathetic pun. "Luigi, after all this that is happening, I'm afraid there is only one thing that we can do: we must commit a Game Over." Luigi looked at him as if he was crazy, which at this point, he probably was.

"So your first bright idea was to try and skip a few levels and now your latest bright idea is for us to kill ourselves? Well, isn't that wonderful? How are we supposed to save the Princess when we're _dead_ you moron?"

"Brother," he said solemnly. "We are heroes; therefore, we shall save the princess, even if we lose a few lives and continues in the process. And anyway, that same Blooper has killed us a few times and so what difference does it make if we just drop like a stone now? And the clock's ticking so we better hurry."

The Minus World was a place for which man was not intended to know or to set foot in or to do anything in it since all it would do was to drive a person insane. It wasn't as if they even got any cake there which was the whole point of setting off upon this adventure in the first placed, never mind the fact that they were supposed to be saving their beloved monarch who had not a damned clue on how to work magic. Mario went berserk and took his rage out on a few blocks once they finally managed to get back on dry land and curb-stomped Bowser into the ground with his own damn axe (because really, who puts an axe in their own boss room or indeed any item that will directly lead to their death?).

Luigi wasn't as harsh, he just laughed manically as Bowser melted into the lava but he was not best amused when Peach hadn't made them a cake in her own personal dungeon. The Toads meanwhile, were still trapped in the castles that Mario and Luigi had not bothered entering despite the fact that they were not tied up in the first place and could have just left by the back door. The King presumably died while all this was going on since nobody even mentioned him even though he was supposed to be running the kingdom. And there were still a lot of blocks about, those poor, sweet, innocent Toads…

A harsh lesson had been learnt indeed. Never, _ever_, slide through walls to enter the Warp Zone in a way that it was not meant to be entered by even if it was still the same Warp Zone. The Mario Bros. threw Bowser into it later and laughed, he'd come back alive anyway for no reason whatsoever. Why did they throw him in? Because they were heroes goddamit!

* * *

**Done in one sitting, hooray! (Though it wasn't all that easy to write…hmm...) It's funny to think though, of some the implied things in the Super Mario Bros Manual like the blocks actually being Toads and stuff. Anyway, I already have an idea for the next one, namely to do with Mario Kart Wii. See you next time!**


	28. Don't Stop! Get Away!

**I'm delaying the Mario Kart one by one chapter since I finally had a brainwave for DarkFoxKit's glitch! (Apologies for the wait, my dear reader.) It's funny how the best ideas come while you're trying to sleep you know? Anyway, this involves the Reverse Long Jump, mainly used to get to the final Bowser battle before you have 70 stars. You face away from the stairs, do a long jump, hold backwards on the control stick as soon as Mario jumps, and rapidly tap A as soon as he lands. You can go through walls and stuff as well if done correctly. Nice, huh?**

* * *

**28. Don't Stop! Get Away!**

"IT'S MADNESS! I've got to snap out of this! You have to free us before we're all completely brainwashed! ...But for now, why don't you gaze at the fish with me? You look tense. Come relax."

"Why, thank you Mario, for getting so many Power Stars! You're amazing. Yep, real amazing. But… why don't you stay with us for a while? You're looking tired…"

"Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle! Ha-ha, just kidding. But why not take a break? You don't want to risk your lives now do you…?"

Mario, well-known hero of the Mushroom Kingdom and completely awesome beater-upper of the dreadful Koopa King Bowser, uneasily crept about the castle as if expecting to be attacked at any moment. Who do you think was about to attack him, fighter of a thousand battles, you may well ask? After all, it wasn't as if the Bob-ombs were going to blast their way in and it wasn't as if the Whomps were going to smash their way in complaining about overdue bills since everyone knew that royals never paid on time and of course, they never had much money either. No, that wasn't the thing that worried Mario. In fact (clichéd as it was to say it), the castle was quiet… too quiet. The only beings here apart from Mario and the slightly creepy bunnies were the Toad themselves…

As Mario chomped down on a bunny he had set alight earlier (well the bloody thing just wouldn't give him the damn key! Didn't they know who he was for crying out loud!), he was increasingly aware that he was being followed by the Toads. It was one at first, waffling on about things he already knew such as, would you believe it?! Peach had been kidnapped by Bowser! Then, more of the Toads turned up, saying similar things but in… creepier ways. But where were the rest of them? For a massive castle, there sure weren't many of them. The remaining Toads looked creepily happy even though their monarch had indulged in the usual habit of letting herself be kidnapped before he even got a chance to taste some cake. That cake business was becoming a bloody curse in Mario's well-informed opinion.

"Mamma flipping mia," Mario groaned as the eyes of one of the Mushroomed Ones stared at him soullessly. "Why can't they just leave me alone? And why won't you get the hell out of here too?! You're putting me off my hero business!"

"But the fans _demand_ that your many adventures must be recorded!" cried the camera-wielding Lakitu. "It's cool! It's exciting! It will make me lots of money when I sell the footage to the TV Executives and then I shall be rich! MWAHAHAHA! Er, I mean," he corrected himself far too late. "This will show what a super hero you are, Mario! It's almost like Big Brother in that you're completing missions instead of tasks. Except this is actually cool. Also, it requires intelligence. Also, I don't follow you to the bathroom. Also, it doesn't melt your brain to the point where you can't even make the decision to turn the TV off without consulting the brainless zombies on the box. And also-"

"I get the point," said Mario flatly. "Now if you will excuse me, I have some more Power Stars to collect so that I can save Peach. And this time, if I die, I do not want you to record it!"

"But people find death fun!" the Lakitu insisted. "You know, falling under platforms and getting stuck onto the lava, getting crushed by a log whilst sitting on lava and dying on the Killer Hill in Bob-omb Battlefield whilst ground-pounding between that crate and the hill. It makes such wonderful footage you know."

"Thank you for your consideration," Mario grumbled. "I'll be sure to remember that the next time I have a seriously excruciating Game Over." (May this make you thankful that you are not the hero suffering in unnecessary ways. And by the way, I have a note from Mario: if you are one of those people who laughed at seeing me die in exceedingly painful ways, well… DAMN YOU BASTARDS! I WILL SEND BOWSER OVER TO BRING YOU DOOM LIKE MUSTARD OF DOOM! Thank you for listening to this note.)

Mario's phone suddenly rang. He picked it up cutting off the admittedly awesome Super Mario World theme and heard a voice asking: "Hello? Is this Peach's Castle?"

"No, this is Mario," he said wearily before shutting it off. He then suddenly froze. "Hold on a moment: why would they ring me to ask if this is Peach's Castle? They would either ring Peach's Castle directly or they are already in the castle and ringing to see if I'm…" Mario and his camera Lakitu slowly turned around to find every Toad in the castle staring at them with glowing red eyes. One of them held a mobile in his hand which he then dropped and slowly crushed underneath his foot. He was still smiling.

"…Here," Mario finished. He stepped backwards as they began to slide towards him, no you read that right, they didn't walk; they slid towards him. They all carried signs for absolutely no goddamn reason other than to seem like a mob. It didn't help that the signs said things like 'TO READ THIS SIGN, PRESS B' or 'TO JUMP, PRESS A. CONGRAUTLATIONS, YOU HAVE MASTERED JUMPING.' The Lakitu floated upwards to get a good aerial shot of this freaky, corrupted, zombie-like crowd. And to think, he had mentioned something about brainless zombies too.

"Holy crap!" Mario yelled as they all began chasing him chanting such nonsense like _"Obey Bowser, Destroy Mario!" _even though that that didn't rhyme properly and therefore could not be classified as a proper slogan. "No wonder I've been dying all this time! This is a conspiracy! You've all been conspiring to kill me off for real since Bowser's too lazy to do it himself! Oh, gods: where's Luigi when I want him?" As a matter of fact for those who are wondering why Luigi wasn't around to save his ass, he was still having psychiatric treatment for having the lead role in _Mario is Missing!_ Or he might have been signing an early contract for _Luigi's Mansion_, I can't remember which.

Mario was stood at the bottom of the stairs in the main hall wondering what the hell he was to do with a rabid bunch of Toads, with glowing red eyes, chasing after him with creepy signposts. The only way out of here, of course, was to pull off one of his signature jumps that he was most well-known for. Of course, if he had had a Bowseresque flamethrower on his person, then that might have worked well too but you couldn't have everything.

"HERE I GO!" Mario cried as he leapt backwards with his highly impressive long jump, so that he could keep an eye on the raving Toads. What he didn't expect was to suddenly be thrown violently backwards through a door, a long set of stairs and a couple of walls or two, causing him to scream all the way. Mario landed with a painful thump on the top floor, blinking as he realised that he hadn't taken any damage at all.

"Who knew that I could do that?" Mario questioned as he listened out for the Toads. Thankfully, the only thing he could hear was the ticking clock. He grinned. He was safe. He dramatically pointed to the door and yelled: "HA! And you thought that you were just going to take me and zombify me. Who's the number one player? That's right, me. Don't you forget it!"

"Oh, we won't forget it."

"See? I told you so. You can't forget me!" said Mario. Hold on a moment. He paused and slowly turned around. "Oh, sh**." They were waiting for him; waiting for him with a very wide grin. They advanced towards him.

Mario cursed again before he dashed through the final Bowser door. There it was, the Endless Stairs. How on earth was he supposed to get up that thing when he hadn't enough stars? It just kept sending him back to the bottom no matter how fast he ran. But of course, he had a special jump handy this time…

"And Mario wins once again!" he cried as he leapt out of the way of the Zombie Toads' grasp. He left the groaning and screaming sounds behind him and prepared to kick Bowser's ass once again since this was a lot easier to understand, not to mention a lot more fun.

"What the hell, Mario?" Bowser complained. "How did you get to my awesomely awesome final boss arena when you haven't even got enough stars to get past the Endless Stairs? I'm proud of that device you know."

"Shut up and prepare to be pulverised," said Mario before he tossed him into the waiting bombs. He wondered why villains always installed into their boss rooms the very things that would lead to their defeat. Obviously, they had not read the Evil Boss List; how foolish of them. Still, if Mario ever decided to become a villain, then he knew what mistakes not to make and Bowser would not be crying for just the loss of his evil villain status but that Mario would probably make a better villain than him. It was an interesting thing to consider.

"Well, that's the Princess saved once again," said Mario happily as he picked up the special Power Star and put on the Wing Cap. He never realised that the Lakitu had mysteriously gone mssing this entire time. "Damn, I'm too good at this. The only problem I must have faced is- OH MY GOD NOT YOU FRICKIN' GUYS!"

* * *

"I hope Mario hurries up and beats Bowser soon," said Peach. "I'm getting sick of waiting in this room in my own damn castle."

"Maybe it would have been a good idea if you had a spare key to this attic room thingy," one of the Toads sighed. "Just a suggestion your loveliness," he added as Peach glared at him.

"Dude, it's like, totally boring having to wait here, when we could be out there, you know, fighting evil, rescuing our fellow Toad buddies and actually having a vital role to do other than to say hooray for Mario. Because something might have happened to our fellow Toads, dude."

"Oh shut up, other Toad," the first Toad muttered. He then noticed some sparkly lights. Peach gasped with delight. "Could it be?" they chorused. "It must be! Thank the stars! For obviously, it was the Power Stars that saved us. That was a pun you know," said the first Toad. The other Toad said nothing as the three of them materialised out of the attic and onto the bridge at the front of the castle.

"Thank you, Mario," Peach simpered, looking as if she had never been kidnapped at all but had been taking refreshment with her attendants in the attic instead. "Now how about we bake a- HOLY FREAKING GOODNESS!" she shrieked as Mario raised his eyes. They were glowing red. This was obviously a bad sign. He also had no health left. That wasn't good either.

"Game Over," said Mario before he launched himself as the screaming trio.

* * *

**Bizarre. The whole Zombie Mario thing is quite bizarre. Even more bizarre than that though is the Super Mario 64 corruption thins that you can find on YouTube. So glad I finally had a semi-good idea for this! Thanks for reading once again!**


	29. Stop! Waluigi Time!

**Hooray for the overly-long delyaed Mario Kart Wii chapter! Yeah, I've had so many assignments and stuff, I quite frankly did not want to spend even more time on a computer writing and besides, assignments sap your creativity anyway. Anyhoo, the glitches found here are more or less self-explanatory but as usual, you'll find them on Mario Wiki. Yes, and who else should present them but Waluigi?**

* * *

**29: Stop! Waluigi Time!**

"Wahahaha! That trophy's gonna have the name of Waluigi on it today!"

Waluigi snickered to himself as he polished the body of his beloved Flame Runner Bike; he loved the fact that the Kart Officials had seen it fit to introduce bikes in this tournament. It was so satisfying constantly performing wheelies on the track even though he had absolutely no need to. It was even more satisfying when one realised that you could use the bike to avoid the annoying POW Block that others dared to activate. Those in karts had no chance. They were fools; Waluigi knew this.

Oh, this latest tournament was going to be so awesome! Why? Because Waluigi had a trick up his sleeve. Well, several up his sleeve actually and nobody, not even that garlic-munching, whining, lard bucket of a treasure hunter, Wario, knew about these fine babies. Yup, Wario could have his cake but he damn well wouldn't be able to eat it. It was beautiful, beautiful indeed. In fact, Waluigi was inspired to sing a song since all villainous tricksters such as himself required an awesome song and besides, Wario had one and therefore, Waluigi _had_ to have one just to spite him. His dulcet tones caused a Toad to faint out of shock.

_Life is like a hurricane,_

_Here with Mushrooms!_

_Race Karts, Bob-ombs, Bullet Bills_

_And there's Waluigi!_

_Might come and beat you_

_Or simply thrash you!_

_Waluigi! Woo-hoo!_

_Every day he's out there being _

_Waluigi! Woo-hoo!_

_Winning trophies and just being_

_Waluigi!_

_D-D-D-Danger! Lurks behind you!_

_Waluigi's out there, he will smash you!_

_What to do? Just beg and say_

_Waluigi! Woo-hoo!_

_Every day he's out there being_

_Waluigi! Woo-hoo!_

_Winning trophies and just being_

_Waluigi! Woo-hoo!_

_Not Wario or Luigi, just_

_Waluigi! Woo-hoo!_

The only trouble with that song, due to its being off the scale of sheer epicness, was that it would be stuck in his head all day. Ah, well, for no-one could compose songs like the Great Waluigi! And even better, Waluigi grinned devilishly, his rival was within his line of sight. No doubt being a goody two-shoes and inspecting that all was well. It wasn't as if he was going to cheat since a goody two-shoes like wussy boy did not cheat; the fine art of cheating was left to masters like Waluigi.

Waluigi nonchalantly threw a banana skin in Luigi's direction and to his delight; Luigi skidded on it and went flying straight into a carelessly placed Warp Pipe that Waluigi somehow forgot to shift earlier. Sporting a red nose, Luigi angrily turned to face his beanpole rival who was now holding up a card with a 6.4 awarded for some style.

"You suck!" Waluigi taunted. "Just you watch as I bag this tournament's trophy with my hands tied behind my back while you swim about with the Cheep Cheeps in last place, your rightful place I may add!"

"Oh yeah? How are you supposed to win with your hands behind your back? I suppose you'll use your freakishly long chin to steer, huh? And your pointy ears to throw the items no doubt."

"Hey!" Waluigi snapped. The Green Plumber certainly could not be allowed to put one over him! "I'll use your moustache to clean my bike with you still attached to it if you're not careful!"

"I suppose it would be better to use my moustache than yours, you Dick Dastardly lookalike," Luigi retorted. "Besides, even if you had one like mine, you'd only dirty your bike more since your moustache is made up of grease and dirt rather than hair."

"I'll make sure a Blue Shell blows up your ass!" Waluigi yelled when he couldn't think of anything better to say.

"Well if you can do that, then that means I'll be in first place while you are languishing in the loser positions. See you on the track."

Waluigi growled as the Green Plumber walked, no, _strutted_ off as if he already owned that trophy. Well, he would be choking on his words for the Great Waluigi would make sure of this! Yes, the Super Special Tournament Cup emblazoned with gold and the beautifully-crafted name of the eventual winner would belong to him! For yes, he knew the secret shortcuts and the art of clipping though they weren't so much shortcuts as actual cheats but it would be below his situation to race fairly now wouldn't it? He had a reputation to keep up, he had fan-letters sent to him swooning over the mastery of cheating (well, perhaps not but you couldn't stop a guy from dreaming, eh?).

Well, the race was due to start tomorrow so Waluigi considered it a fine idea to have one last run-over on his lean, mean, dastardly machine. Well, when he said run-over, he didn't quite mean to run over the Toad who was still out cold from listening to his song but hey-ho, these things happened. The idiot should have fallen unconscious somewhere else shouldn't he? There was a crunch, followed by a yell, followed by a loud snickering as Waluigi drove off in the distance.

* * *

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" the announcer Lakitu… er, announced. "WELCOME TO THE SUPER SPECIAL TOURNAMENT OF THE CENTURY! I AM YOUR WONDERFUL LAKITU HOST FOR TODAY AND I HOPE WE WILL HAVE A RIP-ROARING TIME AS LONG AS YOU KEEP YOUR CHAIN CHOMPS TO YOURSELVES!"

Waluigi wished they had never taken Chain Chomps out of the kart races even though it wasn't his item to use per se. It was incredibly good fun to watch some poor sap getting gnashed by those iron jaws that every Chain Chomp had. He also wished to know who in the hell had categorised him among the heavy racers. This implied that he was fat. HE WAS NOT FAT! Whoever it was, he was going to find them and punch them on the fizzog… after he had won the tournament of course. Meanwhile, he also wished that he had some punk gear. Not only would this look impossibly cool and awesome as he raced down the track but he also considered it suitable attire for the possibility that he would one day join the WarioWare games. He never understood why he wasn't invited to those things. He was Waluigi for crying out loud! Why wouldn't they want him in?

Ah, whatever. The first track was the Coconut Mall. Everybody knew that Mario in particular was looking forward to this one for this was set on Isle Delfino and Mario relished the chance of _accidentally_ running over some Piantas. He still hadn't forgiven them for his wrongful imprisonment. There was an evil gleam in his eyes right now. Waluigi shuddered. It was unnerving to see the other goody two-shoes like that.

"AND LET US HAVE THE RACERS INTRODUCE THEMSELVES!" the Lakitu screamed.

"Woo-hoo! It's a-me, Mario!" Mario said predictably. What wasn't so predictable was the way he madly cackled afterward upon knowing that there were Piantas to …visit as it were.

"Oh, yeah! Whose number one now? Luigi!" Luigi cried. Waluigi snorted. Big-head. There was no way that he was going to be number one when Waluigi was there to take the trophy.

"Hi! I'm Daisy!" Oh, god no, not that again. He seriously hoped that she wouldn't keep repeating this as they went around the track otherwise he wouldn't be the only one battering her with a mallet. The only consolation was that there wouldn't be their baby selves in this particular tournament. They were on the roster technically but they just weren't in this tournament because Mario had said so. Not only was it the worst possible place for a baby to be (no OSHA compliance there), but the whole younger/older selves thing was confusing the hell out of everybody.

"Uh-huh! Yeah! Funky Kong's in da house!" Waluigi stared. Where did they drag this guy from? He was a gorilla for goodness' sake. How dare he try to take over Waluigi's coolness status? He would be surely trounced too.

"Stop! Waluigi Time!" Waluigi yelled. Damn, that was cool. He'd yell it at Luigi later. He would also think of some proper payback insults as well. There was no way that he would allow Luigi to upstage him via the art of insulting.

Once everybody had introduced themselves, Waluigi made sure that he had his hand on the throttle. He was, in his opinion, unfairly placed at the back so he needed an excellent start. But then, it wouldn't matter anyway since he was going to win this race no matter what.

"3, 2, 1, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the Lakitu shouted.

Waluigi sped off like a Bullet Bill on his awesome Flame Runner and barged into fellow racers as they all madly aimed for the escalators. Even if Waluigi wasn't planning to cheat though, he would have definitely still beaten Mario since he completely lost it when he saw a group of Piantas in one of the shops.

"Woo-hoo! It's-a Grand Theft Mario Time!" he cackled before driving into the store with his kart and causing much terrible chaos, bloody screaming, damage of very expensive goods and spilled shopping. Luigi sighed as his brother did this. Even the word Pianta drove him crackers.

Waluigi had reached his destination very quickly. The place that he needed to be was only near the very beginning of the track. Instead of continuing forwards, he turned around and made sure that he was still on the tiled floor. He saw the corner of the column ahead of him even though this looked like he was going in completely the wrong direction. Waluigi then charged his drift before shooting forwards off a small ramp reminding himself not to do a completely cool Waluigi-style trick for once. He snickered as he went technically out of bounds and smoothly drove underneath the very shops before somehow making it back onto the grass leaving behind one very puzzled-looking Lakitu whose job it was to tell racers what idiots they were for going the wrong way.

"You great big cheater!" the Lakitu snapped as Waluigi finished one lap and it made it so that he completed the other two laps via a series of drifts. He even managed to drive through cars though he would be damned if he could actually explain how.

"Why, thank you!" Waluigi grinned. "I do try."

"Er, Waluigi's the winner?" the announcer Lakitu said.

Waluigi was busy stuffing his face when the other racers finally crossed the finish line. He got a very hard stare from none other than the Green Plumber. Wario would have used Waluigi as a golf club with a Bob-omb replacing the ball if he was not held back from doing so. How dare he come up with better cheats than Wario?!

"You did not pass me," Luigi growled. "I would have noticed. You would have said something stupid in a manner that's supposed to insult me."

"Luigi, Luigi, Luigi," Waluigi said nonchalantly. "I must have gone so fast that you simply did not notice me and I did not have the time to come up with a witty remark rather than an insult. Although I'm sure that you noticed as well as I did that your brother got arrested for hit-and-run charges."

"Don't remind me…" Luigi said sourly.

"Hi! I'm Daisy!" said Daisy for no reason whatsoever.

This was quite brilliant, Waluigi thought to himself as they prepared for the next race. It was Ghost Valley 2. Mario was fine with this since he had been released without charge after he had bribed the Pianta Police with a sack full of coins. (They would notice however, under the Delfino sun, that chocolate coins melted rather quickly). Luigi, however, was less fine with this since Ghost Valley 2 was full of, would you believe it, ghosts. Especially Boos. Boos liked Ghost Valley 2. It had quite a spirited atmosphere.

"G-ghosts…" he muttered under his breath. "B-Boos. Goddamn Boos…" Waluigi made a mental note to terrify the overalls off Luigi one day with a load of Boos. It would be spooktacular, er, spectacular. And what better thing to do (other than winning trophies) was there than to terrify Luigi?

"3, 2, 1-"

"Who ya gonna call? Luigi!" Luigi cackled as he whipped out a Poltergust 2000 and began sucking up poor, innocent, helpless spectre spectators. Boos scared the living daylights out of him. There was no way he was going to let Professor E. Gadd convince him to search mansions full of ghosts ever again, not even if there was something like, I don't know, a dark moon or something. Forget the treasure; that stuff was better left to Wario.

The race went ahead anyway once Luigi was put in his strait jacket. Waluigi didn't even set off though. He let all the racers past him screaming their various phrases ("Hi! I'm Daisy!") before quickly aligning himself so that he was on the third panel and that the post which had previously been on his right was now ahead of him. Once again, he charged up a drift before making an absolutely massive leap that even a Feather wouldn't have been able to accomplish. The old-timers missed that Feather. It had been a good item.

Waluigi did it two more times so that he finished the race far ahead of anybody else. He snickered to himself and did the Waluigi Dance while waiting for everybody else to turn up. He even sang his theme song again causing his following Lakitu's goggles to shatter and his cloud to turn into a storm complete with little lightning bolts.

"That's shocking stuff," Waluigi commented as the Lakitu was zapped by his own cloud.

"You don't say?" the Lakitu muttered as smoke rose upwards from his beloved cloud.

"OK, now that was definitely cheating!" Luigi growled as he struggled to break free from his strait jacket. "I saw what you did! Do you think that you are clever?!"

"Why, yes I do actually," Waluigi smiled. "Because it's Waluigi Time."

Waluigi continued to win race after race to the point where even Wario was disbelieving off the beanpole's prowess, saying words that would hurt the ears of a delicate Toad and would indeed hurt the ears of a princess if she wasn't spouting the same thing. Waluigi merrily made his way through Maple Treeway and held on tightly as he was blasted through the cannon. He laughed as Luigi had tried to aim a Spiny Shell at him just before the Master of Cheating went through the cannon.

"You suck!" Waluigi cackled as he heard the sound of the Spiny Blue Shell of Death decrease behind him. "Waluigi is the coolest!"

"Oh, yeah?" said Luigi with a mocking grin.

"What the f-?" said Waluigi as the Blue Shell still blew him up anyways. Not even Masters of Cheating could escape the terror known as the Persistent Blue Shell of Doom.

* * *

"I've just had a message from the main man himself, Shigeru Miyamoto," said Mario as he stood upon the podium. "And he's says that there are going to be some changes for the next tournament."

Due to Waluigi's cheats and the other strange mishaps that had occurred, the Super Special Tournament had rather unfortunately been cancelled which was a shame considering that the rest of it had been rather fun. Mario unrolled a sheet and cleared his throat.

"Right then. Due to the excessive amount of cheating-" He gave Waluigi a quick glance. "-that take place with these vehicles, bikes shall not make an appearance in the next tournament."

"WHAAAAAT?!" everybody yelled. They loved those bikes, they were great bikes. Some had spent hours designing those bikes and now all of that hard work was gone to waste on only one tournament. Some of them sobbed.

"However, they shall be replaced with customisable karts, gliders and a little propeller thingy that will allow us to move through the water. And we can still do tricks. So, er, hooray for that."

There was a low murmuring in the crowd. OK, customisable karts weren't too bad, especially when Mario confirmed the parts available such as the ultra-special gold parts. Wario rubbed his hands with glee; how much could he make by selling those babies?

"But if you can go through water, won't we be out of a job?!" the Lakitu crew cried.

"We can still go out of bounds so we'll still need you guys," said Mario. "Anyway, there will also be some changes to the item selection so say goodbye to the POW Block, the Mega Mushroom, the Thunder Cloud, Boo and yes, even the Fake Item Box." Everybody gasped at this. How could you _not _have fake item boxes? "However, say hello to the Fire Flower, the Super Leaf, the Lucky Seven and yes, the return of coins."

"Coins?" Wario squealed. "Oh yes, coins, coins, COINS! I LOVE COINS! I LOVE THEM, LOVE THEM, LOVE THEM! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, er, please continue," he said realising that everybody was staring at him. Yes, coins were indeed a good thing. No Feather though. That was likely never to return…

"Riiiiight," said Mario. "There's also going to be a change in the driver roster. I shall, of course, be staying. It wouldn't be called Mario Kart otherwise. Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, Koopa, Toad, DK and Bowser will also be coming back straight from the start. In other words, we don't need to be unlocked as it were."

"Waaait," said Wario as he realised something. "Wha-?"

"Wario, you've been made into an unlockable character and Daisy still remains unlockable."

"Hi, I'm… WAIT! WHAT?"

"But I didn't cheat this time!" Wario wailed. "I didn't need to what with my super awesome bike and all! What did I do to deserve this?!"

"I don't know," Mario sighed. "Probably something to do with the fact that you're due to sign another WarioWare contract."

Oh. Well… that was alright then. Wario gave himself a crafty smile. This meant more gold for him!

"And you're still unlockable because of the whole 'Hi, I'm Daisy!' thing," Mario added. Daisy growled at this. "Right, and Rosalina and the weird Mii thing are still unlockable as well."

Waluigi waited expectantly. He was going to be an unlockable character as well surely. A slight drop from starting driver to an unlockable one, to be sure, but it was nothing that he couldn't deal with.

"All of the baby characters have gone home so that they won't be in the next tournament which is just as well because not only was that getting ridiculous, but it was also getting damn confusing," Mario continued. "Birdo's also dropped out-" Yoshi suddenly cheered ecstatically. No more Birdo chasing him! "Dry Bones and Dry Bowser have also gone since their living counterparts found them rather uncomfortable to be around to say the least."

"Too right," Bowser grumbled. There was only room for one Bowser and that Bowser was going to be a living Bowser!

"Bowser Jr. has also gone home, presumably to study on how to become the next evil dark lord," Mario sighed. Bowser grinned. His boy was going to make him so proud. "King Boo has also gone, probably to come up with another plot or something. Diddy Kong and Funky Kong have gone to protect the home front from King K. Rool and Toadette has also gone for whatever purpose, I don't know. Oh, yes and…" Mario turned to face Waluigi. "Waluigi shall also not be returning for the next tournament."

Waluigi stared agog. He was not coming back? But… but… he was the Great Waluigi! This could not happen!"

"Happily, we shall a number of new racers," Mario announced, completely ignoring Waluigi's state of shock. "Shy Guy is back and is now a full-time racer." Shy Guy jumped with joy. "Metal Mario will also be joining us though don't ask me why, that's just gonna confuse me. Wiggler will also be a new racer and after all these years, we shall also have Lakitu racing amongst us."

"OH, YES! IN YOUR FACE!" Lakitu yelled wildly. "I knew this was would happen one day! I- sorry, I'm getting all emotional…" Lakitu cried with joy.

"Am I joining?" Kamek said hopefully. He had joined the crowd on his broomstick.

"No, shut up, Magikoopa," said Mario without looking up. Kamek cried. "Oh, yes, and we shall also have the Honey Queen joining us."

"What the hell? I'm being replaced by a bloody oversized bee?!" Waluigi screamed.

"Didn't you have to climb over her body twice to get star bits?" Peach asked suspiciously.

"That's it for today!" said Mario loudly. "So we'll meet again when we have the next tournament! See you about everybody!"

The crowd quickly dispersed leaving only Waluigi and strangely enough, Luigi behind. So that was it? He was supposed to pack up his stuff and get out of here? Waluigi's lip quivered. He saw Luigi wander over to him. OK, he was a good person. He wasn't going to be nasty towards him. He'd probably be quite sad to see him go. They were rivals after all and everyone really needed a rival, right?

""Yes?" said Waluigi hopefully.

Luigi said nothing at first. Then he prodded Waluigi and said, "You suck!"

Luigi walked off laughing. Waluigi sobbed. It all went to show that cheaters never did indeed prosper.

* * *

**Waluigi isn't my favourite character but I kinda missed him from Mario Kart 7. Poor guy. And hey, did you recognise the song that Waluigi had changed the lyrics from? None other than DuckTales! (Woohoo!)**


	30. The Beautiful Game

**The 100 review target has been reached! Thanks to each and every one of you lovely readers out there! ^_^ Now for once, I couldn't find any glitches on Mario Wiki so Next Level Games were pretty good in ironing them out although there does seem to be a couple knocking about on YouTube. There are definitely a lot of cheats, mind, or at least cheating dodges. But I had to do this one just so I could have an intense match between Luigi and Waluigi! :D Oh yes, and the football song is sung specifically to the mini-game music from Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga!**

* * *

**30: The Beautiful Game**

"Ready for the match, guys?" Luigi asked as he finished putting on his protective gear. He saw that everybody else had also put on their gear; it was definitely needed considering how violent the football matches could be in comparison to the earlier tournaments. It was almost safer in Super Smash Bros Brawl but hey, Luigi was fine with all of this because not only had he faced down Eldritch Abominations in bloody battles but he was now getting some well-overdue fan attention seeing that even during the brutal game, he was still quite the gentleman and he was respected for that as he was by his team-mates.

"You bet!" Crocky, Luigi's Kritter goalie chuckled. "We just gotta see that dastardly Waluigi get beaten down to a pulp!"

"Too right!" Geo eagerly agreed; one half of Neo and Geo, the Shy Guy Duo. "I can't believe how dirty those scumbags play! Anybody would think that's the beanpole's in the game just for the sake of cheating!"

"Of course he is," said his more level-headed brother, Neo coolly. "That was his whole point in being introduced to the Nintendo world in the first place. But we must show that we are greater than his team and his cheap, dirty tactics. And besides, I want someone to shove him into an electric fence anyway considering what his Dry Bones did to me last time…"

"Do you think we can actually win this?" said Bert nervously, the Toad of the team. This was the deciding match after all; whoever won this match would win that shiny special cup trophy. "Mother would be really proud of me if we did."

"You bet we will," said Luigi grimly. "Mind you, we still have to be careful; we're playing in the Wastelands today." Everybody mulled this over. Slippery playing field, random lightning strikes, excellent if you got those near the opposition goalie by kicking the ball towards them, still had the electric fences though. With Waluigi himself and his fast players, they were more prone to slipping about on the ice. OK, not too bad, not too bad at all.

"And besides," said Crocky, as the team started to make their way towards the portals that would take them to the playing field. "We can prove to those football associates once and for all that you're definitely the best captain in this whole damn tournament and not some second-rate player simply because you're not talked about as much." The Shy Guy Duo and Bert eagerly agreed with this statement since the news broadcast could really be quite mean to the green-capped hero to the point where they would have happily punched the TV if it didn't mean forking out for a new one.

"You really mean that? Heh, heh, well thanks guys," said Luigi somewhat embarrassed. "OK, then, I'll make sure that I live up to your expectations on the pitch. See you in a moment."

Luigi took a separate portal to the airship whilst his teammates warped directly onto the pitch to meet with Waluigi's team. There was much exchanging of insults and gnashing of teeth, exactly like the boring, 'normal' version of football then, except that didn't have Green Shells, Red Shells, Spiky Shells, Freezing Shells, Bananas, Bob-ombs, Mushrooms, Stars, Chain Chomps and special captain abilities. This was why normal football had more or less died a death in the Mushroom Kingdom; it just couldn't stand up to the might of the most bloodthirsty football in the world to the point that even the goalies had to wear protective gear! Because the thing about football, the really important thing about football, is that it's not just about football. It's about the atmosphere, the fans, the players, the very ball itself, raising the game to an almost mystic level that transcends the very meaning of sport, the beautiful game, and even perhaps, the very meaning of life itself.

There were also excellent pies. No game was complete without them. And half-time oranges of course. And these captains weren't overpaid wusses either. It was the little details that charmed the football-supporting population.

"You suck!" Waluigi taunted as his rival entered the airship. Luigi sighed to himself. He said the same thing every time. "Just watch as I demolish your pathetic team with my badass skills and boot 6 goals with my awesome Megastrike in your face an infinite number of times so that it roughs you up and everybody laughs while you cry!"

"Oh yeah? Well, for one, the balls are supposed to go in the goal, Waluigi, or didn't you get the memo? And if you need to resort to getting 6 goals with one Megastrike, then you would obviously be losing by quite a fair bit since our team is vastly superior to yours." Luigi grinned as Waluigi launched into his predictable tantrum. He was almost starting to enjoy these moments.

"We'll see whose laughing when I bounce those balls into you so you fly into that electric fence!" Waluigi raged.

"There's only going to be one set of balls bouncing and they won't be mine," Luigi smiled. "The lady fans admire me too much for that." Luigi waited for the penny to drop and laughed as Waluigi tried to throw out every insult he possessed. Yep, he really was starting to like this little competition!

"See you in hell!" Waluigi growled as he flung himself out of the open airship. Of course, that meant that Waluigi would already be in hell but he didn't get chance to mention that. Luigi knew that once Waluigi reached the bottom, he would just pull faces at his team and be like 'Yeah, that's showed them!' As for his theme… well, Luigi always envisaged Waluigi in farmer get-up and running across a television screen while playing a banjo. As for Luigi's theme, hell's yeah, that was definitely cool.

"Like. A. Boss!" Geo cheered as Luigi plummeted from the sky with his flamenco theme playing in the background. Once Luigi landed, he simply pulled his cap straight and gave a wave to his fans who cheered immensely much to the jealously of Waluigi. Luigi's fans immediately wanted to throw themselves on him but there was a small matter of the electric fence in the way. This did include Piantas however and Mario would have been very glad to know about this. He had never quite forgiven the entire Pianta populace for his wrongful imprisonment and ruined holiday.

"THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING THE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH BETWEEN THE LEAN, GREEN, FIGHTING MACHINE, LUIGI AND THE PURPLE POWER STRIKER, WALUIGI!" the Lakitu host announced over the screams of many an electrocuted fan. "THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE EXCITING MATCH AND JOINING ME AS A COMMENTATOR, COMING ALL THE WAY FROM THE GLITZVILLE GLITZ PIT IS THE LOVELY MISS JOLENE!"

"Thank you, Nimbus," said Jolene over the cheers of the crowd. "I hope to see some fine skill that I shall be able to impose onto the Glitz Pit fights and make them even more blood-pumping. Truly, this is a beautiful game and I for one, hope to see everybody playing to the best of their abilities. And besides, the violence in this more than outstrips that of the Glitz Pit. Can't you see how excited I am for this match?! Let it begin already!" Yep, there might have been plenty of fists, Bob-ombs and other things flying at the Glitz Pit, but where better than a super strikers charged football match to pick up the tips of war? For this was not just football, it was a battle.

"LET THE MATCH BEGIN!" Nimbus yelled.

Despite Waluigi's better speed, Luigi was in there first with the ball and immediately kicked it to Geo before he got rugby-tackled by Waluigi earning them a large Green Shell. The Shy Guy Duo quickly charged up the ball by passing it to each other and flipped it to Bert who dashed past his Boo, Dry Bones and Koopa opponents and launched a strike past the Kritter goalie.

"Another one bites the dust!" he whooped as the ball just slipped past Waluigi's Kritter. He even performed a break-dance routine just to annoy the hell out of his opponents whilst everybody else cheered.

"You cheaters!" Waluigi whined as the ball was passed to him for the next kick-off. He was also finding those vuvuzelas in the background very distracting to the point where he wanted to shove one of them up where the sun doesn't shine damn those Luigi fans. It was fine to play though if he had scored the goal of course. And then the fans started to sing.

"_Football's coming home,_

_We're gonna take that trophy!_

_Blast them, from the pitch,_

_Come on, Luigi!_

_Smash them, with those shells,_

_Freeze them, blast them, burn them!_

_You suck, Waluigi!_

_Let's go, Luigi!_

_Get those bastards and we'll then sing-"_

"A fine start to the match!" Jolene announced as the song looped and the teams began to play again. "Only 10 seconds in and Bert the Toad has scored the first goal! Oh, now the ball has passed to Shadow (the Koopa), back to Dusty (the Dry Bones) and no! Luigi's intercepted the ball via the Green Shell! He charges down the pitch and holy god! He's just been shoved into an electric fence! I bet that hurt Luigi!"

Indeed it did hurt, Luigi thought as he pulled himself off although for some reason, Wario was always like "Oh, yeah!" whenever he got electrocuted, as if he enjoyed the sensation. He tried not to think about that too much. Instead, he threw a red shell at his nearest opponent and tried to dash towards Waluigi when he saw that Bert was in a bit of a pickle of his own.

"What do you think the score is going to be?" Jolene asked of her colleague as Luigi tackled Waluigi for the ball only to have a Bob-omb plummeting onto him from nowhere.

"I never make predictions and I never will," said Nimbus promptly. "Though I'm a firm believer in that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win."

"DAMN YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Crocky yelled as Waluigi sneakily put a goal past him. His other teammates had been occupied by Waluigi's team attempting to beat them up because they enjoyed doing things like that; that was why Waluigi picked them for heavens' sake. "HANDBALL! HANDBALL! HE WAS USING HIS HANDS! HE USED HIS BLOODY HANDS!"

"Is that allowed?" Jolene asked the highly-excited Nimbus ignoring his earlier commentary.

"Oh, you bet it is!" Nimbus cackled. "It isn't actually called football after all, it's called Strikers Charged. You should see what DK does with that ball. And let's not even go with what Wario does with the ball when he's performing a Megastrike. I'm not even sure if there's an actual rulebook for this game."

Luigi's fans were just about to shout to the referee if he was blind (if indeed there was a referee at all) when Waluigi's team suddenly went into celebration mode. Luigi raised an eyebrow at his rival.

"Avert your eyes, child!" some mother Toad said, covering her son's eyes as Waluigi and his team performed what could only be called the crotch drop celebration with Waluigi chanting "Wa-lu-i-gi! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Not that the Boo could do it properly though, his arms were too short. One thing's for sure, that celebration sure got the crowd's attention.

"Are you trying to compensate for something?" Luigi taunted before preparing to kick off again. "Otherwise, why would you have to draw attention to it?"

"It shows how manly I am!" Waluigi snickered. "Unlike you, you're just a wuss!"

"Because I act like a gentleman?" Luigi asked as he kicked the ball to Neo who tried to keep it as far away from his rivals as possible by constantly passing to and fro between himself, his brother Geo and Bert. A couple of the other players slipped on some craftily placed banana skins. "At least I don't punch the camera like a 5-year old having a strop when I'm losing nor do I pull faces at my opponents simply because they scored a goal. Pass it to me!" Luigi cried out, running away from Waluigi. Bert kicked the ball overhead and Luigi leapt up in the air and produced a bicycle kick that made the ball fly straight into the back of the net. "Thank you! Thank you so much, aha!" he said to Bert proving to Waluigi and everybody there that he was indeed a gentleman and by god, did the fans love him for it.

"LUIGI! LUIGI! LUIGI!" they chanted over and over again. Luigi grinned. He had the captain's ability. He'd save that for later.

Waluigi and his teammates growled. They were definitely going to up their game. This began with Booreguard the Boo snatching up the ball inside him (well, something like that. How else would a Boo play football when they didn't have feet? Nintendo logic, dear people) and Dusty slammed himself into Neo stopping him from performing a sliding tackle to get the ball. The Boo then passed the ball to Shadow the Koopa who somehow kicked the ball backwards from his own half of the pitch, making the ball roll far too quickly across the ice and straight past Crocky, in between his legs in fact.

"What?!" Crocky yelled. He felt like chucking the ball at someone. "That was dumb luck! That was sheer dumb luck!" The Koopa wasn't listening though as he got everybody to sing "I Like To Move It, Move It!" Waluigi was almost going to do his crotch-drop again but grinned at Luigi and said, "Not for you!"

"Thank the stars for that," Luigi muttered.

"It was just like I was saying the other day, that the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs!" said Nimbus.

"This is certainly going to be one charged match!" Jolene screamed down the microphone in a bid to drown out the sudden laughter. "Hey! You're the Great Gonzales's brother! Smash the purple one out there!"

"BLARGH!" some other fans shouted. "KICK HIM IN THE GOOLIES!"

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals and both sides have conceded a couple of goals!" Nimbus announced. Jolene sighed. You didn't get that sort of daft talk at the Glitz Pit. "Who knows how this match is going to turn out? Holy crap, someone's got a Chain Chomp! Better get away from those teeth, feller."

"WHO ALLOWED THESE THINGS INTO THIS GAME?!" Bert screamed as the metalloid monster began chasing him down since he currently had the ball. "I'M INNOCENT I TELL YOU! INNOCENT! SPARE ME-ARRRRGH!" Bert was unceremoniously crushed into the icy ground though he just about managed to pass the ball to Geo who then attempted to flee the Chain Chomp.

"My, what big teeth you have," he muttered as it gained on him.

"All the better to CHOMP YOU WITH!" the Chain Chomp cackled before chomping on the unfortunate Shy Guy. Luigi now had the ball and predictably the Chain Chomp was coming after him instead. If he had a bone or something that he could pass to Waluigi. Although come to think of it, he did have something he could pass to Waluigi.

"Oh, hey, you're gonna help me win?" Waluigi grinned as Luigi nonchalantly kicked the ball in his rival's direction. "I always knew you'd see sense in the end. No point in delaying the inevitable loss after all. And once I win this match, you're gonna- HEEEEEELLLLP!" Waluigi screamed as the Chain Chomp suddenly bounded upon him.

"What an idiot," Luigi chuckled to himself as he managed to retrieve the ball from a stunned Dusty and passed it to Neo. Neo ran up the pitch unhindered by any of Team Waluigi's players and saw a flash of lightning above his head. He considered that if he could get as close to the goalie as possible in the time available to him, the lightning would shock the goalie rather than himself. He reached the edge of the goal area and began charging up a shot. Unfortunately, he didn't count on the Kritter kicking him and promptly causing him to vanish. Luigi almost swore.

Oh, yeah, now _that's_ how you deal with the opposition!" Waluigi cackled. That Kritter deserved a reward, maybe a signed autograph from himself of course.

"How the hell did that happen?" Jolene questioned as Waluigi's Kritter tossed the ball back to a team-mate and Bert was forced to give chase considering that they were now mysteriously one player down.

"Who knows? But I think that the action replay would show it to be worse than it actually was," said Nimbus. "And at the moment, I would say that the game is balanced in favour of Waluigi. Just look at Dusty dashing down the pitch and, uh-oh, Geo is not very happy at what happened to his brother."

"EAT BOB-OMB YOU SCUMBAGS!" Geo yelled as he began tossing them at Waluigi's players like nobody's business.

"I bet those Bob-ombs would taste like sausages," said Nimbus thoughtfully. Jolene looked at him as if he was mad before asking why on earth they would taste like sausages. "Because they're bangers!" the Lakitu laughed manically. It was such a terrible joke that Jolene shoved him off his cloud.

Bert managed to get the ball once Geo had finished dealing with the squealing players and passed it back to Luigi. They had a minute left of the game and with one player down, who knew how it was going to turn out. Luigi didn't attempt to go anywhere near the Kritter goalie and attempted to blast the ball had not Waluigi suddenly snuck from behind him powered up by a Mushroom. Waluigi grinned and passed the ball to his equally quick Boo who raced towards the goal, right to its edge in fact.

_Well, if that Kritter can boot players off the pitch then surely I can too,_ thought Crocky. However, Booreguard immediately dodged backwards and Crocky was suddenly compelled to start chasing him.

"What on earth are you doing?!" Luigi gasped.

"I don't know!" Crocky wailed. "It's that cheating Boo magic that's what!"

Booreguard let out a cackle worthy of his species as he led the Kritter on a merry-go-round chase before rushing back to the goal and merely wandered over the line instead of booting it in as would usually be the case.

"Er, 3-2 to Waluigi?" said a thoroughly confused Nimbus once he climbed back onto his cloud. "I guess it's these sorts of crazy things that make football the fascinating game that it is. I mean, if there was no such thing as football, then we'd be some pretty frustrated footballers."

"And Luigi takes the ball for the next kick-off!" Jolene yelled over him and the din of the many very angry Luigi fans.

"What do you think you're playing at?" Luigi hissed as he took the ball. Waluigi gave him as beatific a smile as his face could possibly muster.

"Why, my dear rival, I am playing at football of course. What else do you think I could possibly be playing at with a ball that gets charged up by our kicks and an electric fence that sends a charge running straight through us if we hit it? And looking at the time left, I think I have the game in the bag. Because I rule. And you suck." Luigi groaned. Roughly 15 seconds. This was going to be one hell of a tight game.

"If Luigi doesn't get another goal soon, Waluigi will win this match!" Nimbus announced.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Jolene said through gritted teeth. "But as they say, it isn't over until it's over!"

Waluigi immediately snatched the ball off his rival and passed it to and fro between his team-mates laughing at Luigi's frustration. He wanted to use his Captain's ability but there was the danger of crushing his own team-mates. Bert finally managed to grab the ball from Shadow and passed it to Luigi who had positioned himself in Waluigi's half. The lanky-legged Waluigi immediately came running with yet another Mushroom.

"Oh, no you don't!" he laughed as he performed a sliding tackle, getting the ball from Luigi and sliding down the icy pitch, like a pro, like a master, like a badass captain, like somebody who was just about to slide into his own goal.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Waluigi squealed as he went straight past his goalie and into the back of the net. The Luigi fans jumped for joy and heartily thanked the Purple One. If he had been a second slower, the match would have been over and the Sudden Death Klaxon wouldn't have just gone off.

"Helping me to win? Oh, how generous of you," Luigi smirked. Neo also returned from wherever he had been kicked to and was now currently being hugged very tightly by Geo.

"Why the hell didn't you block me?!" Waluigi seethed to his somewhat embarrassed goalie.

"Well, Captain, I don't think you would have appreciated it if I had kicked you into the nether regions like I did with the Shy Guy and I don't even know how I managed that."

"Damn, we need some good cheating tactics right now," said Waluigi. "Yo, Dusty! You're gonna do that electric skillshot thing and if that fails, just roll past the goalie with the ball."

Dusty might have had the chance to pull that off if Neo, having received a red shell, hadn't blasted it straight in his direction, causing the Dry Bones to then be flung against the electric fence upon which it then screamed.

"Oh, sweet justice," said Neo with his mask forming a grin (though how Shy Guys managed this trick is not known and it probably better that way). Anyway, that Dry Bones had been doing the whole shock the keeper thing and then blasting the ball in far too often. That punk needed teaching a lesson.

"Here's the ball!" Geo screamed before being slammed into by the Koopa. Luigi grinned. What better time to put his Captain's Ability to use then now?

"And Luigi shows he is one giant presence on the pitch!" Nimbus yelled as Luigi suddenly grew massive as if he had just eaten a Mega Mushroom. "And Waluigi doesn't appear to like it."

"Eek! Uncool you creep!" Waluigi squealed half a second before Luigi stomped him.

"They think it's all over," said Jolene as Luigi prepared to kick the ball and the fans were standing in expectant joy. "IT IS NOW!" she screamed as Luigi booted and sent the flaming thing straight into the back of the net along with the Kritter in it.

"We did it! We did it!" yelled Bert jumping for joy though he could hardly be heard over the tumultuous applause of their fans and the sobbing of the Waluigi fans. Jolene too was jumping up and down, her hair all a mess and her glasses askew.

"This has just got to be the proudest day of my life!" Geo laughed as he bounded about though on the slippery pitch, he tripped up and his mask fell off. Luigi froze. He had seen what was behind a Shy Guy's mask before and he didn't want to see it again. "Heh, heh, sorry about that," he said once he put his mask back on.

"NO!" Waluigi wailed. "My cup! My trophy! My rightful place in football history has been taken by that loser!"

"You know what, Waluigi? I think there's only one loser around here," Luigi smiled as he walked onto the podium, took the proffered cup, and lifted it in the air surrounded by the sounds of jubilant fans chanting his name.

* * *

**And so Luigi should win that trophy! But anyway, the glitches, as you saw, are the Kick of Death glitch and the Boo glitch both of which are pretty self-explanatory. If you read the Discworld books By the way, you might recognise which particular quote I used pertaining to football. Great series, that is.**

**And also… yeah, the bangers joke was terrible and it might not even be understood outside of Britain but I had to put it in. Because sausages are bangers and both they and Bob-ombs can explode? Never mind… ^^:**

**P.S Those daft things that Nimbus kept saying have genuinely been said. And yes, the other team did once do that sliding own goal which was hilarious. And a Koopa somehow managed to kick the ball backwards from its own side on the Wastelands into my goal which was not hilarious, as I was halfway through writing this.**


	31. Minus World (Famicom)

**Greetings! I said I would get round to doing the Famicom version of the famous Minus World glitch from Super Mario Bros. and here it is! It is accessed in the same way: move onto the left end of the pipe then jump while ducking, move right while in the air and hopefully, you should just be under the ceiling and then through the wall. There's also another glitch in here: due to the graphical limitations of the NES, sometimes the defeat of one enemy meant the spawning or disappearance of another. I've cranked it up a little here, of course. :D**

**This Minus World glitch is different to the NES version in a number of ways. Why should this be? I have absolutely no idea.**

* * *

**31. Minus World (Famicom)**

"Why do I get the feeling we've done this before?" Luigi muttered to himself as Mario merrily jumped on the poor, innocent Goombas and Koopas that happened to stand in his way. Well, perhaps they weren't that innocent as they were forever attacking the brothers with their MERCILESS TEETH OF DEATH and their CRACKPOT SHELLS OF DOOM! Well… perhaps that is exaggerating ever-so-slightly but you get the picture. And besides, they were forever mercilessly stomping on the Toads that had been changed into bricks anyway or whatever the hell was supposed to have happened.

"Well, that's one level down and… however many more to go," Mario announced as he cleared the flagpole standing in front of the fort and earned himself some points. "Actually, how on earth is this even set out in levels? We're not set in a video game or anything like that, are we? And why is there a flagpole in the first place? And why do the hills have eyes? And the clouds? And everything else? OH MY GOD, LUIGI! THERE ARE EYES EVERYWHERE! I seriously hope we don't have to do this every time!"

"I shouldn't think so, bro," Luigi replied. "We'll just get through these levels, storm the castle, chuck Bowser into a lava pit since no-one should be able to survive a lava dunking, and rescue Peach."

"That's _Princess Toadstool_ to you!" a random Toad (or 'Mushroom Retainer') screamed, one fortunate enough not to have been turned into a floating block. "The Mushroom King would be very displeased! Whoops, I'm not even supposed to be here. I should sneak through the back door of a castle so I can say _"Thank you, Mario! But our princess is in another castle!"_ Oh, well. See you guys, later!"

"Who the hell is the Mushroom King anyway?" Luigi asked whilst the brothers entered a pipe to the underground and inexplicably didn't bother taking the rest of the Mushroom Retainer's words into consideration. "Has anyone even seen this Mushroom King? Has Peach or Princess Toadstool or whatever we're supposed to call her even seen this guy?"

Mario shrugged. He certainly hadn't; he was just a lowly plumber after all. And in any case, the Mushroom King mysteriously vanished once the Mario Bros. wrapped up their first little adventure and nobody even noticed since he never seemed to be mentioned again. (Except in… _the film_, but that's a different story altogether and never have truer words been spoken because it certainly was a different story, painfully so.)

"Oh, look, Luigi. A line of Goombas and Koopas are going to mercilessly maul us to death," said Mario in an almost bored voice. "I'm so terrified. So terrified, that I might just leap into the air with fright and accidentally land on their obviously fragile skulls. It's only fair though, right? I mean, they can just prod us with a single pixel for heavens' sake and it's like _haha! You lost another life!_ I just don't get it, bro. If we haven't got a Mushroom or Fire Flower, why should one touch mean instant death?" Mario sighed but then he cheered up once he got a good stomping spree on and when Luigi decided to heat things up namely by chucking a load of fireballs at their enemies with the mighty power of the Fire Flower. However, there was one teensy problem…

"Holy crap! They've starting spawning!" Mario yelled as the Goombas and Koopas suddenly multiplied for pretty no reason whatsoever other than the fact that Mario had stomped on a few of them. Matters were not improved by said swarm lurching forwards, grinning devilishly and muttering about wanting plumbers put on platters since they apparently didn't have much else as a food source but the alliteration sounded good in any case.

"Thanks, bro," said Mario as Luigi quickly dispatched the lot by throwing fireballs at them, at least until he was hit by one particularly ravenous Goomba which Mario then stepped in to crush. "I don't know what that was all about but… hey! There are mushrooms down here! I don't know about you, Luigi, but I'm starving."

"Oh, come on!" Luigi sighed. "You just several Mushrooms one level ago, not to mention a big bowl of spaghetti and ravioli before we even set off!"

"Gee, anyone would think that I have a massive problem with food and I talk about it in my sleep and stuff. I'm not a Yoshi, and he's not even with us for this adventure. But anyway, there's some for you as well."

"Well… OK. Thanks, Mario."

So Mario and Luigi decided to treat themselves to a gourmet meal of mushrooms despite the fact that anything could have chomped on them and the fact that the clock was supposed to be ticking. But they could safely ignore it since it wasn't as if Peach was going anywhere and they were pretty sure that if there were any kidnapped Toads in any of the castles, they could keep themselves occupied for a while longer like practice their thank you speech and such stuff.

However, these were not your common health-restoring mushrooms. Oh, no. These mushrooms were very much different. Very much different indeed. How different? Well… trip-fest, here we go!

* * *

_The fresh, delicious taste and pungent aroma of the mushrooms coursed through Mario and Luigi's bodies sending them into a deep sleep, if mushrooms can do such a thing. I don't know, apparently they can, so bear with me here._

_In time, a pleasant sound rings in their ears pulling them from their deep slumber, which was pretty easy to do because a) they hadn't been asleep long and b) the screen was getting bored waiting in the same spot so something had to wake them up. Also, it wasn't a good idea to sleep when there were possibly hundreds of Goombas, Hammer Brothers and Koopas and besides, there was a princess to be saved. But the sound is a good one: it is the sound of victory._

_Lured by the sound of victory at hand, Mario and Luigi press onwards, feeling oddly light and powerful. They perform wall jumps, somersaults, triple somersaults and goodness knows what else that they weren't supposed to be able to accomplish yet. They even slide through the wall instead of taking the usual Warp Pipe since that would have been far too easy and even in their trippy state, they cannot go backwards since the advancing screen of doom stops them from doing so._

_They enter a new world through a Warp Pipe they find on the other side of the wall: it is called World -1. It is completely submerged in water but this is fine as Mario and Luigi can breathe underwater even when not tripped up on mushrooms._

_Mario elegantly swims through the air! Luigi gracefully swims through the air! The brothers swim over the glitchy palette background without a care in the world!_

_Mario and Luigi grin and wave at the number of Princess Toadstools randomly floating about in the air. Perhaps they are secretly demons; that would explain a lot. They both float past a grey-coloured Bowser that seems to be hanging about the place prompting Mario to declare, "So long, Grey Bowser!" They find grey Hammer Brothers, grey Koopas too, but Mario and Luigi laugh as they simply swim their way around them and laugh even more at the random Koopas that fall into the abyss since they did not have the foresight to actually stand on a platform, the fools. _

_Why did these enemies not swim? Mario and Luigi swam. The water caressed their gloves, their moustaches, their very souls. Surely there was no better feeling than this, especially with the sound of victory still ringing in their ears and the touching of the flagpole that was strangely missing its flag. They are careful to touch below the halfway point and in a way that did not activate the fireworks; bad things might have happened if they did so otherwise._

_World -2 is not as fun as World -1. In fact, it is the same as World 7-3. But Mario and Luigi take the opportunity to pull off some very cool poses whilst dashing under the Cheep Cheeps, jumping over the Cheep Cheeps, jumping on the Cheep Cheeps. The Koopa gape on open-mouthed and Mario and Luigi spare some of them for these Koopas recognise and respect a greater power. All is good._

_Now to World -3. It is much like World 4-4 except that it is coloured differently, there are flying Bloopers that can be stomped for a 1000 points, it is lacking its usual maze elements, and the False Bowser is missing. Obviously, False Bowser knows of Mario and Luigi's magnificent prowess, their skill, their power, and so it wisely fled before it had a chance to be stomped by those super brothers._

_Victory is theirs. They cross the bridge and do not even press the axe. In fact, they stomp a Blooper without even looking as they jump onto the level below the bridge. They punch the air and grin widely at each other. Then, a disembodied voice coming out of thin air congratulates them on their achievement. Usually, it was a Toad that did this but for some reason, he is not here. Maybe he's tripping on mushrooms too. And so, those immortal words are spoken…_

"_Thank you, Mario! But our princess is in another castle!"_

_WAIT! WHAT?!_

* * *

"Holy crap! What was all that about?" Mario yelped as he suddenly found himself awake again. "Those were some weird mushrooms. At least we haven't been harmed in any way…"

"Loop-de-loop the water level! La la la la laaaaa!" Luigi giggled.

"I stand corrected," Mario sighed as he watched his brother attempt to swim through mid-air only to fall off a block and straight into the ground. "How did we get here anyway? You know… I really thought that we completed our adventure and saved Peach. Just why is she always in another frigging castle? And I guess I'm just talking to myself, huh? Oh, well, let's continue shall we?"

Mario stretched his legs and pulled Luigi into an upright position. He saw the usual hills and blocks and everything like that. Wait a minute, those staring hills and floating blocks sure looked very familiar. There should have been a Goomba dashing towards then. But instead of a Goomba, there was a Buzzy Beetle instead looking particularly murderous or so Mario imagined.

Mario was not amused by this. Luigi wouldn't have been either except he was still tripped up on mushrooms and rambling on about Mario having gone missing on some place called Earth and himself being referred to as 'Weegee' which he really, _really _hated.

"Mamma mia," Mario sighed. When they got to the end of this adventure, Mario was damn well expecting cake. "Here we go again."

* * *

**Yeah, the Famicom version is cooler than the NES version I reckon. When you get to the end of World -3, the game takes you back to the title screen, apparently thinking you've completed it. If you start it again, it will replace the Goombas with Buzzy Beetles just like in Mario's second quest.**

**By the way, you'll know which part I took inspiration from if you've played Mario & Luigi: Dream Team Bros or if you haven't yet, you'll know when you do for it is one awesome game and I won't spoil it here. Thanks for reading!**


	32. Hell Hotels

**Well, readers, I didn't have glitches in mind so I thought I'd do something based on an idea I had a while back that would be suitable for this series. It involves a particular game… and Mario and Luigi are gonna hate me for it. MUHAHAHAHAHA!**

* * *

**32. Hell Hotels**

"Ah. There's nothing like sitting on the sofa in your pyjamas with a bowl of snacks watching a film," Mario happily announced to himself.

Yep. It was to be a quiet night in for the bros which was admittedly a nice change considering how many times they had to be called out to save Peach, beat up Bowser, stop Toad Town from being ravaged by a horde of Dry Bones, save the world, save Peach's ass again, and at least on two occasions, fix somebody's plumbing. At least some people remembered what their actual trade was. So did the people at the castle unfortunately and they expected their work to be done for free simply because it was Peach's castle. After all that Mario and Luigi had done for them! And all they still got was frigging cake! Clearly, Mario needed words with Peach and sweetly suggest a proper reward. It could still involve whipped cream though if she liked it that way.

Anyway, Luigi was doing something else and Mario was going to have a movie night underneath a nice warm blanket whilst it poured it down outside. What a nice feeling. Who could begrudge the bros that? What could possibly go wrong?

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS TERRIBLE! MARIO! I NEED YOUR HELP NOW!"

"If Peach has been kidnapped again, she can wait until tomorrow!" Mario yelled back. "I'm having a night off and besides, she can keep herself occupied with Bowser no problem. Maybe he can have a damn cake for a change…"

"IT'S NOT THAT, BRO! IT'S URGENT! IT'S TERRIBLE! I'M NOT DOING THIS ON MY OWN! HELP ME, MARIO!"

"Damn you, Luigi. I am watching my Pixar movies whether you like it or not!" Mario was one for awesome animations though nobody knew apart from Luigi that he secretly sobbed at most of them. Hey, he was in touch with his emotional side, OK?

Luigi stormed into the room at that point holding up the offending item. "Mario. If we do not play this game, we are going to be punished in so many ways. And what's even worse is that I don't think Bowser's behind this because this sort of thing would punish him too. I bet it's Wart again or something like that."

Mario finally turned around, saw what Luigi was holding, and immediately turned pale. "What happens if we don't play it?"

"Well…" Luigi gave a grim smile. "First, we would have to watch all of those cartoons again." A bowl of M&Ms dropped onto the carpet. "I'm not cleaning that up. Anyway, then we would have to watch the film." Mario gave an audible gulp. "And then something even worse would happen."

"What could possibly be worse than being tortured like that?!" Mario cried.

"Our moustaches will get shaven off. Entirely."

Mario suddenly leapt up. "Ahahahaha! Hotel Mario! I absolutely love it! It's my favourite game! Who doesn't love Hotel Mario! It was the best-selling game for the Philips CD-i anyway so it must have been loved! Wahoo! Let's go play Hotel Mario! I will kill the bastard who's making us do this…"

Mario reluctantly joined Luigi in the spare room where the dreaded console had already been set up and spotted the threatening note that arrived with the game. It mentioned something about having fury but Mario ignored that other than to think that he was the one who should be having fury.

"How will this guy know if we've complied with his demands?" Mario asked suddenly. "We could just say _"Oh, yes! We've played the game! It was torturous but we somehow managed it."_ And then we wouldn't be bothered again!"

"We're being watched from another dimension," Luigi sighed. "Now let's get this over with before I accidentally commit a Game Over…"

Well, if Mario and Luigi were going to be forced to play something like Hotel Mario, then at least some chocolate was in order because in circumstances like this, mushrooms weren't going to cut it. Actually, in circumstances like this, alcohol was also required. Mario poured them a generous glass of neat brandy each and prepared for their torture. (See? You learn something new every day. Just because they were heroes, it didn't mean they were teetotal.)

The brothers shivered at the sound that heralded the arrival of that dreaded Phillips logo. They knew that Link, a good friend of theirs, had a terrible experience like this too though there were hilarious results to be had if one whispered words like "Squadalah!" in his presence. And then… the game began.

"What the hell? Luigi questioned. "I look fat in this game! You're the fat one, bro. I'm not fat!"

"Oh, come on! I have a slight gut, that's all. I look like I have Wario proportions in this!" Mario wailed. "And… stars above, Bowser's laughter. Even I have to admit that he sounds so much better in real life and that's saying something."

"I suppose I better take that as a compliment," Bowser growled as he suddenly appeared out of nowhere and straight behind the Mario Bros. "What are you playing?" Bowser stared at the screen and terrible realisation hit him. "WHAAAAAAT?! You're playing that crap? Oh, yeah, I got given a letter too which is why I had to come here. I have to witness this? RAAAAWWWR! I'm Bowser, King of Koopas and completely awesome final boss for the ages! I will not stand for this!" Bowser tried setting fire to the computer but it was most conveniently protected by a magical force-field. Damn.

"Nice of the princess to invite us over for a picnic, eh Luigi?" the very fat Mario warbled on screen.

"I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!" the rather chubby Luigi declared.

"Did you just call me gay?!" Luigi accused. "Why does everyone think I'm gay just because I dressed up as Peach? And practically worshipped Prince Peasley? I swear I was forced to do that!"

"Wait! You dressed up as my lovely, fair Peach?!" Bowser growled. "Hold on. Kamek's done that too. Is my right-hand minion-? Hey!" Bowser suddenly realised. "You've called me gay too! When I fought you at the end of my awesome road in that painting at Peach's castle! You bastard!"

"Why does everybody think that I call them gay?" Mario said wearily. "I'm not that difficult to understand. I- Oh, let's forget it and move on before we get complaints or anything. Oh, no. Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no…"

The fat Mario began reading a letter that Bowser had left on his 'Klub Koopa resort' sign: "Dear pesky plumbers. The Koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom! The princess is now a permanent guest at one of my seven Koopa hotels! I dare you to find her if you can!"

Mario and Luigi looked at each other and immediately downed their first glass. "There's stuff in the cupboard next to the washing machine if you want it," Mario said to Bowser without turning around. Almost immediately, Bowser returned swigging from whatever he deemed strong enough to drink in his dire hour of need.

"We've got to find the princess!" Fat Mario announced immediately followed by Chubby Luigi saying, "And YOU gotta help us!"

"Oh, yippee, I can hardly wait…" Luigi muttered, especially as it had fallen to him to actually play the game. "No, I don't need to check the freaking enclosed instruction book…"

"Um… how come me and Luigi are missing a finger each?" Mario muttered. "Last time I checked, I had five on each hand. Seriously, where the animators so lazy they couldn't be bothered to give us whole hands? Whoa, there's a two-player option? Please don't pick that, bro. We might have nightmares if we both have to play it."

"Sheesh, why on earth would I bother hiding Peach in a hotel when I've already got a chain of castles with awesome designs and music?" Bowser growled as Luigi tried to handle the game with a particularly dodgy controller. "I'm the best castle designer in the world! And a king! I seriously wouldn't own a bunch of hotels and neither would my kids. I expect them to do some excellent evil plots when they're older and do me proud."

"Yeah, before I trounce them just like I trounce daddy," Mario said sweetly. "And daddy just loves being trounced by me. Speaking of which, who the hell is the mother anyway?"

"Peach."

"DIE, YOU DAMN GOOMBA DIE!" Luigi yelled before knocking back more brandy.

"WHAAAAAT?!"

"I've just gone through about four stages and I'm feeling the repetitiveness," Luigi sighed after a while, ignoring the sounds of Mario trying to strangle Bowser in the background. "Then again, Mario Bros. kinda got repetitive at times since we were on the same sort of stage all of the time that only got increasingly more difficult. But apparently, this is a good game by CD-i standards because you have music _and_ sound effects at the same time which is saying something considering the NES managed it and it plays at about 50 to 60 frames per second. Whoa. I just praised it. I need another drink."

"Ah, Peach, mother of my kids. Wouldn't that be awesome?" Bowser grinned as soon as he managed to throw Mario off him. "Hey, when Junior said that Peach was his mother, she didn't exactly deny it now, did she? I'm your mama? You can't just blame the sun for that. You know what means, Mario. And you're not getting any."

"You're not even the same species, you sick son of a- Wait. HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT GETTING ANY?!"

"Your turn, Mario!" Luigi announced brightly after a somewhat awkward silence. "Look, I've cleared several stages for you because I'm a video-game master so stop glowering at me and beat up Morton, OK?"

"Oh, sure, talk about beating up my kids in front of me, why don't you?" Bowser grumbled. "Well, as soon as this pointlessness is done with, I'm going to kidnap Peach again, Super Coward Bros! And then I'll launch a full-scale attack on your town just for the hell of it."

"Why, there's something on the back of this letter," Mario chuckled. "It says that if Bowser doesn't act nicely and have a go on this game himself, then he'll have his horns shaved off and be forced to dance the purple sugary thing AKA Barmy."

"NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Bowser sobbed before knocking back the bottle. That was truly an evil thing to put someone through. It was going to be a long night for the lot of them.

* * *

A few more stages later and Mario reached the point of the game in which he beat up Morton although this was a lie since he really didn't beat Morton up so much as chuck a few fireballs about to hinder him and slam some hotel doors shut which Morton kept opening. Apparently, it was a very bad thing if every hotel door was left open. Presumably, terrible nightmarish monsters from the underworld sucked out your soul or something and then smashed through the screen to eat the player too. Anyway, to stop this horrible death from happening, the doors needed to be kept shut so that Mario could happily bounce on the spot and his overalls keep constantly flashing. It was that thrilling really.

After a while, Morton was defeated and somehow Peach appeared on top of the tree that Morton's hotel housed which begged the question why Mario and Luigi couldn't just climb the tree in the first place and easily save Peach that way. Also, why couldn't the Mario Bros have just rugby-tackled Roy who caught Peach when she fell from the tree in a most idiotic manner? After all, these were the brothers who outran Sonic at the Olympic Games. The blue hedgehog was not amused; especially when Mario and Luigi taunted him with the immortal words "YOU'RE TOO SLOW!"

"Hell, this is kinda hard…" Mario muttered as the screen kept flashing on and off, apparently due to an electrical overload in Roy's hotel. Mario just wished that it went dark altogether so it would be like, oops! Looks like we can't play the game anymore! Alas, there was no such luck. Not only could he be killed off by the enemies easily enough, but there was also the highly dangerous running out of time scenario that Mario and Luigi were familiar with as well as falling off the sides of the screen. Mario was desperate to lose all of his lives but whatever happened, they still had to play the game.

"What did we do to deserve this kind of crap?" Bowser growled. "Look at what they've done to my Koopalings so far! Mario, this is your fault! This is what Disney would do to us if they were allowed to make a series about us!"

"No, we'd just get shoved into high school," Luigi sighed. "Because we must obviously be so thick that we still need educating and that of course, will educate kids into doing right and moral things and all that rubbish. And it would be crappy CGI. Mario would obviously be the goody-two-shoes, moralising hero, I'd be the geeky kid that nobody wants to hang out with and get flushed down the toilet and you would obviously be the high school bully who needs taught a lesson at the end of every episode. And then we'd have some cheesy song that surpasses even that of the cartoons." All three of them contemplated this and downed another glass of extra-strong alcohol.

"Brother," said Mario solemnly. "I seriously will have nightmares if the cartoons are mentioned. And also, that education business reminds me of that whole bloody 'edutainment' business we had to do for the PC including your most favourite game ever… Mario is Missing. Er, Luigi?" Mario asked as there was suddenly a heavy thump onto the carpet.

"Whoa…" Bowser whistled. "Well this Koopa King's glad he didn't have his own game on the PC. But seriously, I'm so awesome and yet I haven't even been given my own game yet. There's something wrong in this world. Don't even think about passing me the controller, Mario! It's bad enough watching this but I can't play as you! That would ruin my evil reputation! And speaking of which, whoever came up with this plan ought to be in the Awesome Villains' Club if they're not already."

Luigi came around just in time to take over the controller again which was somewhat unfortunate for him. He wished that he wasn't such a good player after all but his skills had already been shown in the likes of Mario Party in which he was so awesome, he could win by doing absolutely nothing. It was also his bad luck to awaken just in time for the next cutscene.

"TOASTERS DO NOT TOAST TOAST!" Mario yelled utterly outraged. "TOASTERS TOAST BREAD! How many times have I told them this? It's redundant! Pour me another drink now!"

"I HAVE CHORTLES!" said a voice out of thin air. "You are tasting the toast of fury and chortles spread with the mustard of your doom which is easier than bread sandwiches which is not the toast. Here I am, laughing at you as your lives that I spit at are nothing but foolish foolishness wrote by a foolish author who is crazy! I suppress the laughter but then I see that the laughter suppresses me! EEYAHAHAHAHA!"

"Who was that weirdo?" Bowser questioned as soon as the voice fell silent. "Guy needs to take some speech lessons, the jerk." At this point in time, Bowser hadn't battled or even seen the odd Beanish fellow (Bowser's Inside Story hadn't happened yet) but Mario and Luigi certainly had and now they knew who to wreak their revenge on when the final act of the finale finally had its last encore. Or something like that anyway.

"Well, that was bloody stupid," Mario muttered as Peach suddenly got sucked down a Warp Pipe to wherever the next hotel was supposed to be. "Why did she stand on there anyway knowing what Warp Pipes do? And has anybody questioned why we are actually closing hotel doors? Surely we should actually be opening them since we are looking for Peach? Why am I even questioning this game?! Oh, now what?"

As Mario was speaking, the lights overhead began to flicker before failing completely. Unfortunately, it wasn't a power cut as the console was still running. Truly, luck was not on the Mario Brothers or Bowser's side.

"It's kinda dark in here…" Mario muttered.

"Have you got a light?" Luigi asked.

"No."

Seconds later, their on-screen selves said pretty much the same thing. Bowser sniggered uncontrollably because how else was he meant to respond in such a terrible situation whilst Mario and Luigi responded by sobbing and were on the verge of breaking down completely. The next response was to have some more alcohol which, by this point, was starting to kick in, even though they had only beaten two of the game's bosses.

"Maybe a Koopa will lend us his! If we _persuade_ him…" said the chubby Luigi.

"Mamma mia," Luigi muttered. "I sound like a member of the Mafia. A fat member of the Mafia. Well, if I'm going to do some _persuading_, then Mario can do this game and Daisy can do-"

"Hey, Luigi," Mario chuckled. "Did you know hotel receptionists have really dirty minds? All they do is check you out!" He and Luigi broke into peals of laughter and were marginally surprised when Bowser did the same. Mario even laughed when Bowser said about wanting Peach in a hotel to check him out, and only responded by saying that Peach would definitely check him out first.

"I want to check in a hotel but I can't remember where it was," Bowser giggled. "I ring up and I'm told it's only a stone's throw away from the beach. How do I recognise it, I ask. It's the one with all the broken windows!" Bowser crashed onto the carpet laughing alongside Mario whilst Luigi still had enough strength of mind to continue playing and wonder why they were laughing at such terrible jokes. For now, he had the dubious pleasure of going through Larry's Cave Hotel which had refrigerators instead of doors which just begged the question why on earth Peach would possibly be hiding in a fridge and why the hotel had no doors in the first place.

"Larry's Chillton Hotel! Let's chill out here!" Mario laughed. "I'm pretty cool with it! I hope the staff don't give us a cold reception!"

"Wow, it'sh even got it'sh own theme!" Luigi announced, obviously amazed and slurring his speech somewhat. "And different music tracksh in the shame uhh, same world! Many gamesh of this type only have one theme per world and the shame clear theme throughout. Mamma mia, I praised it again. Is there shomething wrong with me?"

"Yeah, Luigi, you're drunk. Merrily drunk," said Mario. "I'm not drunk at all of course because I can hold my liqueur. Hey, hey! What does an alcoholic ghost drink? Boos!" Mario sniggered to himself and rewarded himself with another tipple.

"Wait up a moment, Mario! Are you saying Boos drink themselves?" Bowser said in a state of confusion. "No, seriously, what do Boos drink?"

"Spirits of course!"

The trio laughed themselves silly and even more so when Mario and Luigi saw their off-model visages again, having just escaped from an explosion in Larry's Chillton Hotel. ("This mine is mine!" Mario chuckled.) Peach didn't have the decency to actually fall on the ground and somehow was blasted up to the clouds instead which Mario and Luigi of course, had to travel to.

"It's hard to see through those clouds," the Fat Mario waffled. "I hope we can get rid of them! Get the hint?"

"Duh! Even an idiot knows how to get rid of clouds!" Bowser roared. "You blow fire at them and tell them to sod off somewhere else before laughing manically."

"You obviously get a load of Lakitus to take the clouds away and put them somewhere else!" Mario argued.

"You're both wrong!" Luigi yelled. "You obviously do a rain dance sho that the rain cloudsh burst and then when there'sh no more rain, all the cloudsh are then gone!"

"Damn, that's a good idea, Green 'Stache."

"Yeah, way to go, Weegee."

"Fawful is having great amusement like that of a kid on a bouncy castle made of yum," the Beanish villain mused to himself as Luigi punched Mario for daring to use that name even in their drunken states. "If only Fawful's other plans had such tastiness so that the world would become Fawful's snack cake!"

Once Mario nursed his suddenly bruised nose, it was then his turn to take the controller. At this point, it definitely wasn't all fun and games since everything suddenly became rather difficult as in the later levels, it became incredibly frustrating as jumping on enemies became much less effective without flower power. Also, enemies became spawning at a horrendous rate so that the Mario Brothers were forced to do the same level again and again and again. On the plus side, there were some nice detailed background and foreground elements and animations with the Boos even trying to fake transparencies. Indeed, even the enemy designs were nice and clean. There were good points to be had of Hotel Mario after all! There's a silver lining to be had in every cloud.

"Hey you! Get offa my cloud!" said the fat Mario.

"I said, Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" the trio begin to sing. "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud! Hey! You! Get off of my cloud! Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd on my cloud, baby!"

"Fawful has confusion?" said a voice that nobody even paid attention to. "What is this singing that hurts Fawful's ears like the overheat of lava to my machines?"

"You know, I never thought I'd say this," Bowser sighed happily. "But I love you guys, Mario and Green 'Stache. You're the best enemies that a villain could have. Trying to take Peach and conquer the world just wouldn't be the same without you pesky plumbers at my tail all the time."

"And what a hero be without a brilliant villain to fight as a final boss nearly every time?" Mario added, bringing the Koopa King in for a giant hug which Bowser returned. (Fawful was wondering whether it was a bad idea to spike the drinks at the same time as he delivered the dreaded console but hell, this was quality stuff! That camcorder was coming out, baby!) "We support each other, you and I. And Luigi too, I guess," he quickly amended when he was punched again. "Without this hero and villain dynamic, how could we have ever hoped to become the most recognised faces in the video-game world?"

"Apart from Pac-Man," Luigi mentioned.

"Pac-Man's nothing but a pizza with a slice missing. We have, you know, something more. Like design for a start. And variety. But yeah, we fight each other all the time but that's because we need each other. Kind of the same reason why me and Luigi occasionally have our arguments. But Bowser, I've got to tell you this... I love… your castles. You have the best castles in the entire world."

"You mean it?" Bowser questioned, his eyes shining.

"Even better than Peach's," Mario insisted.

"GWAHAHAHAHA! That's great, Mario! I'm one happy Koopa King!" Bowser cheered.

Somehow, it was as if they were having a Mario Party session instead of playing Hotel Mario, which was a great deal harder with its enemies spawning way too fast to be dealt with effectively and of course, its hilariously cheesy cut scenes. They laughed at the fact that Peach kept mysteriously vanishing once the hotels were cleared since it was obvious at this point that the designers had given up on thinking of new ways for Peach to be spirited away to the next hotel. Bowser even forgot to comment on the fact that Iggy, for some reason, did not have a hotel of his own but was working at Bowser's instead. This was probably an excellent idea in the long-run. He did, however, remember to comment on Chubby Luigi's remark about that 'creepy Bowser laugh.' He was certainly inclined to agree with it for one thing. His voice was more delightful to listen to, of course.

"Hold me," Mario whimpered later on. "The final boss bit is coming up now." Mario and Bowser clutched each other tightly whilst Luigi got on with the business of dealing with Iggy pathetically disguised in what looked like a Bowser bobble-head. Also, Luigi had apparently drawn the short straw in completing far more levels than Mario did, poor guy.

"Aw, look… my boy Iggy's doing me proud, helping his old man out against the likes of Mario," Bowser sniffled proudly. "Maybe I should give him a promotion."

"Hmm… that boss music leaves something to be desired doesn't it?" Mario mused as the stage played one constantly looping, very boring track while the animated Bowser appeared to be throwing up as opposed to doing a proper fire-breathing attack. For some reason as well, Bowser's tail was green even though the rest of him had been rendered more or less accurately, apart from being rather uglier than the real thing.

"Weehee! I'm beating up Bowser, Mario!" Luigi laughed as he timed his attacks against the Koopa King in what was otherwise quite a hard level what with the lightning bolts and everything. In any case, Bowser was definitely not going to be killed off by this tiny little thing, not when he could survive being engulfed by the sun of all things.

"Maybe we should do this more often," Mario murmured as he leant against Bowser (still in his pyjamas just in case anyone needed reminding) with apparently no objections being made.

"Yeah. And we could bring Peach over and have cake and a Bowser Party."

"Mario Party. But yeah, some nice cake. Some lovely cake…"

"We could share some cake now. Green 'Stache said that you've got some. We could also share something else."

"Peach?"

"Actually, I was thinking something that I would never, ever, _EVER_ think of while sober or at any other time."

"Oh, I see. Just as friends though."

"Well… frenemies, but I get your point." With that, Mario and Bowser wrapped their arms around each other, leaning in to give the other a special little something…

"Oh, yeah!" Luigi interrupted. "I finally did it, guysh! I beat Hotel Mario! How's that for checking it out! Check me out! Ahahahaha! I'm the best!" Then Luigi slumped over the controller and was immediately fast asleep.

Annoyed at having that moment interrupted, Mario and Bowser nevertheless looked at the screen and saw that they had at last come to the ending scene with Mario, Luigi and Peach running from the crumbling hotel although where Bowser was supposed to have vanished to, they weren't sure. But at least Peach had been rescued and she was no longer disappearing at random moments. Then she began to speak. Mario and Bowser were suddenly wide-eyed.

"Thanks to you two, I can safely rule the Mushroom Kingdom, free from the terrible Koopaling clan." The animated Peach kissed Mario and Luigi respectively before adding, "And thanks to you too."

"I'm sho grateful for that, I'm shure…" Luigi mumbled before dropping off again.

"You're the best player ever!" they merrily praised all those unfortunate souls who had the misfortune to be forced to play Hotel Mario. "Again, I'm very grateful for that…" Luigi mumbled.

The game began to run to the credits and still Mario and Bowser stared at it.

"That's what my fair Peach sounded like in this game?!" Bowser cried.

"I really wouldn't want a kiss off Peach if she looked like that in real life…" Mario mumbled. Mario suddenly had a very unpleasant thought and he and Bowser realised at the same moment that they were, in fact, hugging each other. "Were you just gonna-?" Mario spluttered.

"You were gonna do the same as well, plumber boy!" Bowser growled. There was a moment's silence apart from Luigi snoring.

"HOLY CRAP! I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!" Mario yelled.

"NO!" Bowser yelled equally as loud and as horrified. "THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING! WHAT IF THE AWESOME VILLAINS' CLUB FIND OUT ABOUT THIS?! I'M DOOMED! RRWAAAAUUGH!"

"Fawful is not having the understanding of this and Fawful is also, quite frankly disturbed to the point where I can't even think of a metaphor for it. But Fawful is full of glee and chortles because I am going to sell this tape for enough coins to swim about in! Fink-rats!"

Before leaving though, Fawful satisfied himself with a last chortle as Bowser managed to set himself on fire before running off to the probable safety of his own castle whilst Mario ran about the house screaming before running upstairs to throw up.

Wart had been right. This humiliation business was not only amongst the finest examples of true villainy but it provided many, many chortles for the villain as well.

* * *

**Ah, the things I research so you technically don't have to. But yeah, there are some good points to be had of this game apparently. At least according to the uploader of a 15-minute sample anyway. But the amount of memes it has provided is legendary. Anyway, hope you enjoyed yourself!**

**I never gave that address to the Awesome Villains' Club did I? It's simply this: 64, Evil Avenue, Fiery Vortex, Dark World, XX1 123. 1000 coins joining-up fee, here we go!**


	33. Dreamy Nightmares

**Hi everybody! I'm back from my holiday and I'm here with another instalment (one for you, King Of Shells!). Now, I hope everyone's had the chance to play Mario & Luigi: Dream Team Bros (or Dream Team for the shortening mind). It's an awesome game; so awesome, I immediately started a new file on hard mode as soon as I completed the game first time round (lots of Luigi love, wahoo!). There is, however, quite a significant glitch that some of you may have encountered; I certainly have. Basically, it's when the motion controls simply stop working. This is most likely to happen in the battle against the Zeekeeper and when that happens, you will die, since the Zeekeeper is one tough bird to beat. And this happened to me in hard mode… **

* * *

**33: Dreamy Nightmares**

Now Mario, hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, had done some pretty odd things in his time including exploring the insides of the infamous Koopa King Bowser for some adventure involving the entirely crazy Fawful; a situation which the Mario Bros. were not amused by. Neither was Bowser once he found out that most of Peach's staff had basically been having a party in his body for goodness knows how long (hey, there was always free food, nearly always unchewed!). He had had his body and name snatched by a bed-sheet ghost named Doopliss which was rather distressing to say the least. He was _the_ Mario for crying out loud! But apart from all that… adventuring in his brother's dream world? That was some crazy stuff.

"Die, Golden Beanie, die!" Mario yelled as he and the multitude of Luigis stomped on the little bugger for what felt like the umpteenth time in Dreamy Somnom Woods. How on earth did the Golden Beanie turn up in the dream world of all places anyway in what seemed like super saiyan mode? Last time they dealt with these guys, they were in the Beanbean Kingdom, mowing down the common, garden Beanies for juicy Woo Beans. The rewards here were even nicer which was just as well or Mario would be having serious words with whoever decided to drop packages of nightmares in dream forms in the Dream World. It involved a hammer and lots of fire.

"You know, Luigi," Mario said conversationally as he picked up the beans and other such things dropped from the crushed corpse of the brutally mangled and bloodied Golden Beanie (actually, that last bit was a lie. It just disappeared. How did that happen anyway?) "If you're a dream form in a dream world, why can't you just dream all these enemies defeated and dream us straight to the top of this bloody tall tree? Hell, shouldn't you be unlimited with the power of dreams? Isn't that the point of dreams?"

Though their pillow portal pal Prince Dreambert always referred to Luigi's dream self as Dreamy Luigi (Mario hoped that he only thought of Luigi as Dreamy in the dream sense), Mario still referred to Luigi as Luigi even in the dream world, because no matter where they were, or what they were, or how they were, Luigi would always be his brother, the one person he could always rely on, as he needed to in the dream world right now. And dream or not, it was still his brother Luigi by his side and it would always be that way.

Besides, it would get ridiculously confusing and awkward for Mario if he suddenly started referring to him as Dreamy Luigi. Certain fans of the rather twisted persuasion would probably get disturbing ideas.

"I don't think dreams work that way," Luigi said carefully as his clones vanished. "It would make things way too easy; the Gaming Gods would probably want to take revenge. And is there even a point to dreams, bro? You simultaneously dream of cake and trying to get as slim as me. That's a paradox."

"The cake was a lie!" Mario yelled at his now smirking brother. Yep, Mario loved his brother but he certainly proved that he could be just as annoying in the dream world as he could be in real life. "I did not go and eat the cake on the second shelf in the pantry. And for crying out loud, I do tennis, I do golf, I do football, I do party games, I wear out the leather on so many pairs of shoes in saving so many princesses and goodness knows what else. FOR THE LOVE OF VIDEO GAMES, WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS?!" Mario shoved his hands in his pockets and chewed on a Star Candy before realising where his problem lay. Life was so cruel at times, it really was.

"Drama queen," Luigi snickered.

"Shut up, bro," Mario glowered. He hoped that the real Luigi wasn't laughing his head off at this conversation. That would confuse Starlow as she did Luigi-watching duty. The moustache and nose-pulling thing had probably been weirder though. It was fortunate that Luigi slept so deeply on the Pi'illos, mind, or whoever decided to yank Luigi's moustache would have found themselves 100 metres up a wall severely scorched as would be their surroundings wearing a rather puzzled expression. Mario had found that out the hard way. It was always fun when it happened to someone else mind.

"Well, it's probably due to the fact that the fans just can't imagine you without that little bit of podge, bro, so you should embrace it and be glad that you'll never get into Wario's state. And look on the bright side; you'll probably never put on any weight since you can't be imagined any fatter either."

Mario pondered this and considered it a dream come true. He happily rewarded himself with another Star Candy since he needed to replenish his health anyway (at least that's what he told himself).

Mario and Luigi heard a sound come not so far behind them and fell deadly silent. Anyone looking at them would have assumed that they were trembling with the excitement of battle; ready to stomp their latest enemies with their merciless boots of death, or crush them like a ball, or surround them with a Luigi wall before constantly thwacking them with their terrible hammers or… well, you get the drift. In fact, they were trembling with utmost terror. In this area, it could only mean one thing…

"BEDSMITH JUST WANTS TO NAP ON YOU!"

"OH MY GOD, LUIGI! RUN!" Mario screamed though Luigi didn't need telling twice as he instantly dashed off with his brother immediately following him. "For the last time, we don't swing that way!"

"But you brothers get things done! And those luxurious moustaches! Oh, please let me nap on you once, just once!"

"Dreambert! Help us out!" Mario yelled.

"Are you kidding?" Dreambert muttered from somewhere inside Mario's pockets. "I've had to put up with this longer than you have. It gets rather disturbing when you have a bed made and its maker writes on the wood that he wishes to nap with the occupant to test its comfort. I'm serious! Now just get up here and hopefully we'll find the Zeekeeper."

"At least let me touch your moustaches! They are like the smooth brushes of gods! BEDSMITH IS OBSESSIVESMITH!"

"Damn straight…" Luigi muttered.

"Well the comment might be but Bedsmith certainly isn't…" Mario muttered back.

The brothers put on an extra burst of speed and made their way through the next area as quickly as possible, both being thankful that Starlow was on the ball when dream manipulation was required, in this case, by spinning Luigi's nose. Yeahhhh… at least she didn't complain about it much bizarre as the whole thing was.

"Thank heavens, we've lost him…" Luigi panted.

"Yeah…" Mario gasped. "Though I hope the real one isn't waiting for us by the Ultibed just watching you."

"Don't say that," Luigi shuddered. "For all I know, he might be the one manipulating my dreams and actions instead of Starlow!"

"That's creepy," said Mario after a moment's contemplation. "OK… Oh, yeah! This must be the Zeekeeper's Egg!" Mario announced, thankfully spotting the welcome distraction. "And there's only one way to get inside an egg. You smash it with a hammer!"

"How sophisticated…" Luigi sighed as his brother began gleefully whacking his giant hammer against the multicoloured shell. It took four whacks to do so but the egg finally broke and thus the true Zeekeeper was revealed. It was bright, it was fluffy, it was also getting extraordinarily large as it flapped towards them.

"Who disturbs my rest?" it boomed. "I am the legendary Zeekeeper… The guardian of the Pi'illo Kingdom." Big Bird's fancier cousin then regarded the Mario Bros. with a particularly menacing stare. "Those who hinder me will become one with the light!"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Mario moaned as Dreambert's attempted contact with the giant bird was completely ignored upon which the Zeekeeper proceeded to try and blow the brothers away. "Do these things ever listen to reason?! Just once, just once, I would like to get things done in a nice and easy manner without being killed for it!" At this point, Mario could do little but hold onto his hat while Luigi held onto him, preventing him from being blown away. Soon, Mario noticed more Luigis joining them, desperate to keep their brother safe. Mario thought back to Dream's Deep and how the dream world in general had revealed the depths of their brotherly relationship. He was, in a word, touched, that Luigi would go to such lengths to protect him.

"Irritating," the Zeekeeper muttered before flapping his wings even harder so that Luigi and all his clones were blown away leaving a shocked Mario to face his doom alone.

But he would not be alone for long.

"Nobody messes with my bro!" Luigi snarled, managing to pull himself upright in midair and motioning for his clones to follow him so that once again, he could assume his giant form. Not that he thought he was actually used to that; the effect was quite different from that of taking a Mega Mushroom you can be assured; that was far more temporary for starters.

Mario wasn't sure where he had ended up but it must have been something like Dreamy Somnom Fields say, for there were far less trees in this area and it was much more open. Of course, this left him wide open to the murderous attentions of the giant chicken.

"You are brave, little one," the Zeekeeper intoned before attempting to mow Mario down. "And nimble. But your luck shall not last. Abandon hope."

"You know, there are moments when I'm glad that you're my brother," Mario said when Giant Luigi plummeted down onto the Zeekeeper delivering a hugely satisfying stomp.

"That suggests there are times when you're really not glad," Luigi answered once Mario had assumed his accustomed place on top of Luigi's hat.

"You blamed me for eating all the pasta in Peach's kitchen. I was so not glad then."

"Well, it was you," Luigi sighed.

"Yeah, but in a show of fraternity, you're supposed to blame someone else!"

Mario and Luigi had little time to talk after that as the battle against the brutal Zeekeeper required every ounce of their concentration, especially Luigi's since he was the one having to deliver the most beatings against the Giant Purple One. There was a reason the Zeekeeper was worshipped as the Pi'illos Island's protector.

"Already on to it, Dreambert," Luigi muttered, not needing the Pi'illo Prince's advice as he dragged the Zeekeeper from his flight path and stomped him into the hard ground.

"While the Zeekeeper's dizzy, couldn't you tell him at this point that there is absolutely no need to fight and that I really don't wish to die in the dream world, because we have Bowser and Antasma to defeat and so forth?" Mario asked brightly after he and Luigi finished their powerful jump move.

"I am not getting near the Zeekeeper in this state," Dreambert argued. "And besides, he's a being that recognises power. If you two manage to beat him, he'll be completely impressed by your power and willing to join our cause."

"_If_, I notice you say, _if_, you sweet son of a pin cushion…" Mario muttered under his breath.

The Zeekeeper managed to pick itself up before Luigi could deliver another stomp and took off into the air. Luigi could not help but smirk to himself when the Zeekeeper acknowledged that he had perhaps underestimated their power; he was finally getting the respect that he deserved on this cushy little island! Yeah, and it was no dream either!

"I can offer you no mercy," the Zeekeeper intoned. "I am sorry. It must be so."

"Since when has mercy ever been offered to us?" Mario growled. "And again, I would like to complain that these guys are always far too quick in trying to kill us when they could just listen for a change!"

Luigi was forced to give chase again and was rather surprised when he was suddenly lifted into the air and transported to a dimensional rift that the Zeekeeper had just created. As if trying to kill him on the ground wasn't enough. OK, so Dreamy Luigi could technically just reform itself; dreams were like ghosts; they couldn't just die, but as for mortal humans like Mario…

"Energy balls?" Luigi scoffed as he was then confronted by the Zeekeeper's latest attack. "No problem. I'm well accustomed to avoiding things in mid-air anyway."

Avoid the numerous energy balls and ram into the Zeekeeper when it tried to ram into Luigi. That was the plan really. And indeed, it went well at first. But the Zeekeeper wasn't going to do this just once, oh no. This was meant to be a boss fight after all and the Zeekeeper was planning on doing it three times.

"ZEEKEEPER POWER-UP!" it squawked.

More energy balls. Woo-hoo. Luigi was about to move to avoid this deadly assault when he suddenly discovered that he couldn't do so.

"Whoa! Mario! I'm stuck! YOW-WOW-WOW-WOW!" he yelped as the Zeekeeper's blasts of energy slammed into the green-capped plumber, taking away a startling amount of health. Mario knew that his brother would need replenishing but when on earth was he going to get the opportunity to do that?

"I did say that I would offer you no mercy," the Zeekeeper squawked happily.

"You cheater!" Mario yelled. "You would have your feathers ruffled if it was arranged so that we wouldn't lose any health in any battles whatsoever thus making a mockery out of the whole thing. Fight fair you overgrown chicken! You pansy Big Bird thing!"

"Oh, boohoo!" it mocked. "Are the widdle heroes whining? Look, does it say anywhere in my contract that I had to give a fair fight? I am the protector of this island after all and I must do that using whatever means necessarily. And what about you guys with your fancy badges and everything? That stopping time business is one huge game breaker!"

"It takes ages to set that up and that instant badge refill thing doesn't always work!" Mario fired back. "That's only viable for non-giant boss fights and in any case, we mainly use the badges for extra experience." Mario never understood why they always had to build up experience again with each new adventure. It wasn't as if they ever took long breaks from them anyway. "And those badges are actually in the rule book. Freezing your opponent with some mystic doodah power that nobody knows about is definitely cheating!"

Could dream constructs get bruises? Luigi hoped not because he was going to have some severe bruising after this battle, what with the Zeekeeper taking the opportunity to ram into him and all that.

"You mean you can't fight against me just because you can't move?" the Zeekeeper huffed. "Back in my day, you would have been extraordinarily privileged to have two points of health, never mind one, and you never had any special power-up moves or anything. You would have to race against the clock and contend with all sorts of enemies and traps including the most nonsensical ones like the edge of a brick or something just as stupid. And this thing is small fry compared to the problems of the early days. Now some of those were completely unwinnable."

"This might be considering that you're not giving me a chance to avoid your brutally strong moves," Luigi groaned. He considered himself lucky that he was still compos mentis considering the damage he took from not so many energy blasts. "So for the sake of fairness, let me move again. And besides, I'm getting terrible pins and needles…"

"Oh, fine!" the Zeekeeper huffed. "Just because you guys can't hack it…"

"No, that's because you've hacked it!" Mario retorted as the trio were transported back to solid ground again. "Big Bird wannabe."

"Couldn't let you have it all your own way now could we? Ouch!" it cried as it was suddenly whacked on the nose by a huge tree trunk that Luigi managed to uproot. "Maybe I should watch out for that."

"Some mushrooms would be really good at this point…" Luigi gasped. "As long as they're not the trippy ones..."

* * *

The Mario Bros. didn't know how but they managed to beat the Zeekeeper, striking him down with that awesome Finishing Bros move utilising the iconic Power Star. This was despite the fact that the Zeekeeper attempted to cheat again when he was getting low on his health paralysing Luigi in midair until he was sick to death of Mario asking him if he was Big Bird's cousin or something. The supreme guardian of an ancient culture shouldn't have had to put up with that sort of thing.

"Zeekeeper!" Dreambert called out, deciding to put in an appearance at last. "Pi'illo Island is in danger once again!"

What Mario and Luigi didn't expect was for the Zeekeeper to suddenly go into totally radical mode, saying: "DUDE! What is UP! It's been forever! Dreambert! My man! Why didn't you speak up? Totally didn't notice you there!"

"What," said Mario in a flat voice. "This is what the Zeekeeper is really like? We fought that bloody purple chicken and nearly lost our lives in the process because of his cheating and _this is what he is like?!_"

"Well… you have to admit that he was impressed with your power," Dreambert whispered. "But yes, this is what the Zeekeeper is really like. He seems a bit standoffish at first… but hey."

"Standoffish? I could have lost my life!" Mario growled despite not being taken notice of as the Zeekeeper conversed with the Pi'illo Prince. "I could have died in a dream world and that would have seriously knocked my credentials! You could have spoken up any time while he was killing us but nooooo! He's just a little standoffish and you're a fu-!" The rest of Mario's rant was fortunately cut off as Luigi wisely took the moment to stop his brother from talking out loud, though he was pretty sure he could make out what Mario was saying through his muffled mutterings. It turned the air as blue as their overalls.

"Antasma again! Uggggh," the Zeekeeper groaned once the situation was explained to him. "Weak. SOOOO weak. Dude just refuses to learn his lesson, huh?"

_Right,_ thought Mario. _Once these shenanigans are out of the way, we can get the hell out of here and thrash Bowser and Antasma. Mr. Dracula should be less of a problem than my old time foe I reckon. Yep, and then I'll be able to enjoy my holiday. … Hell, why is it that I can never enjoy a holiday in peace without it being interrupted in any sort of way?! I blame those Piantas…_

"Look, Prince… Not gonna happen, bro," the Zeekeeper sighed.

"What," Mario growled under his breath as the Zeekeeper announced that he had officially retired and there was no possible way that he would get back in the game again. He was old and tired and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah. Only a little bit of _that_ would suddenly cure his oldness and tiredness like a magic mushroom.

"I never frigging asked to be paid for saving the world," Mario muttered. "That's just immoral."

"We get given free gifts and rake in a ton of money while adventuring anyway, bro," Luigi whispered.

"Yeah, but much of that is given via the fine generosity of the people whose arses we're saving. And that dropped from various monsters. We never actually asked to be paid. There's a difference there."

"How about this?" said Dreambert slowly. "If we can get the island back to normal, my friend Mario here… He will give you every single coin he has."

"Carry on like this and I'm gonna think that you're Wario…" Luigi hissed as Mario's eyes widened with shock. "He's supposed to be the money-obsessed one." Luigi held his brother as a precaution against him suddenly deciding to beat up the idiot who came up with this offer. Goodness knows what the real Luigi was thinking at this point.

"All of them. Yes! Every last coin we have!" Dreambert declared just to hit the nail in the coffin further and above the sound of Mario now screaming.

"How are we supposed to eat?" Mario moaned. "How are we supposed to pay for the next upgrade in gear? How much money do you think I have? Think of my children!"

"You don't have any children," Luigi groaned.

"I might someday. And I would be a generous uncle to your kids too! Think about the non-existent children, Luigi!"

Of course, Dreambert and the Zeekeeper took not a blind bit of notice to this little speech and after running through a list of the things he apparently required before undertaking his task including hotel bills, a complimentary robe, in-flight snacks and so forth, the Zeekeeper rounded the bill up to 80 million coins.

"80 MILLION COINS?!" Mario screamed. This was the last straw. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES TO GET A MILLION? HAVE YOU PLAYED NEW SUPER MARIO BROS. 2? IT TAKES A FRIGGING LONG TIME! I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY! I'VE NEVER HAD THAT KIND OF MONEY! EVER!"

"This is MARIO over here!" Dreambert said cheerfully. "It'll be a piece of cake!"

"Is anyone listening to me?" Mario groaned.

"I am," said Luigi. "And I'm pretty sure the readers are too. I'm sure they don't have 80 million coins at hand either."

Ah… what a dreadful business. Still, if there was a way to avoid paying that bill… it wasn't as if Mario hadn't done it before. The Zeekeeper would surely be so grateful at the Mario Bros. whupping Antasma and Bowser that by the end of the whole thing, he would declare the bill null and void. One could only hope. Still, Mario had no choice but to reluctantly agree to the proposition.

"Sweet! No backsides! You promised!" the Zeekeeper declared jubilantly.

"Bro," Mario sighed, not paying attention to what Luigi was now staring at. "Surely this couldn't get any worse."

"Technically, it can," Luigi shivered.

"BEDSMITH JUST WANTS TO NAP ON ALL OF YOU!"

They all screamed except the Zeekeeper who had no idea what was going on but would have paid 80 million coins to find out what it was exactly. It was funny watching them being chased actually. He sure was glad he woke up from that nap!

Mario nearly cried. He wished that it was all just a bad dream after all…

* * *

**Ahh, I love this scene! Mario's expression is just hilarious! And of course, there is Bedsmith (he lurks behind you even now…).**

**Not only this game funny, but it's also very heartwarming. I swear I had a tear or two in my eye at Dream's Deep. It's just so warming to the soul…**

**With that admission of my soft side (believe me, I'm a right softy), I might as well reveal at last, to those of you who didn't know, that I am a female writer. Did you think that or otherwise? I've been mistaken for the other in real life before, when I'm not mistaken for either my Dad's sister or wife (yeah… it happens. Though thankfully I haven't been mistaken for my Dad's brother. Yet...). **

**Anyway, hope you liked the chapter, and I'll see you next time!**


	34. Super Strange World

**Phew, finally got back onto this, eh? I fear I can be lazy at times. Anyway, Super Mario World glitches of which there is plenty! The song is to the Overworld music (level, not map music) from Super Mario World, by the way. I love that game...**

* * *

**34. Super Strange World**

"_Here we go again! The Super Mario Bros are off on another adventure to save Peach!_

_Right now, in Dino Land, we have to save the princess,_

_Yoshi, as well, at least a dozen times._

_Why can't, we ever stop, having to save the princess?_

_Surely, we deserve, at least a month-long break?_

_We risk, our good lives, far too often._

_Damn that, bloody, useless Toad!_

_We don't want to see another Game Over._

_Because we only have so many lives!_

_Mushrooms, Fire Flowers, Capes, another flashing star._

_But hey, we don't really need these things to prove what heroes are._

_The Super Mario Bros are off on yet another adventure!"_

Mario and Luigi sang this rather inspiring song to themselves as they traipsed through Dinosaur Land on their quest to save, yes you guessed it! Peach again. Seriously, could she not stay unkidnapped for more than a week? Could Bowser actually choose a different hobby? Maybe this whole kidnapping business just gave Bowser a good excuse to build lots of castles. If there was one thing Bowser was remarkably good at, it was building castles. Truly it was a fine accomplishment for a villain to have.

"Why do I have to carry you two fatsos about?" Yoshi groaned. Sure they managed to get him out of the block though this was not exactly difficult nor did Yoshi know he managed to end up in a block countless times. He wanted their help; he was not meant to be some sort of steed!

"Hey, who are you calling a fatso?!" Luigi snapped. "I am not fat! You're the one that keeps eating everything in sight! Goombas, Koopas, Wigglers, you name it, you eat it."

"But they taste so _delicious_…" Yoshi moaned. _I wonder what plumbers taste like? Must be like plums._

"Heh, heh," Mario cackled. "You should see your sprite, Luigi. You look as big as me. In fact, you look just like me except you're wearing wussy green instead of my manly red. Gee, people might think you're just a carbon copy of me!"

"I swear I shall get the sprites changed when it comes out on the GBA!" Luigi growled. "And why, oh why, have you dubbed this 'Super Mario World' you glory-hog?"

"Because I'm the awesome coin-spinning mascot of Nintendo whose handsome, moustachioed face brings in the customers and I'm the front-man of this duo?"

"I thought you two were supposed to be calm, collected adventurers and not brothers who are currently beating the living daylights out of each other?" Yoshi sighed over the yells of _"Stop pulling my moustache!"_ and _"Mamma mia! I'm on fire!" _"Shouldn't you guys be watching out for Bowser's nefarious schemes or something?"

For indeed, Bowser had many nefarious schemes lurking about the land for he was a true, terrible tyrant of terror! Or something like that anyway. For example, he had the awesomeness of… THE KILLER CORNER!

Yoshi was not amused when the brothers were larking about, jumping about like a Shy Guy on a pogo stick at the beginning of Chocolate Island 5. The strange thing was when they hit the top of the right-hand corner in some way, they immediately lost a life! (Yoshi discovered afterwards that it was actually a piece of super-poisonous chocolate that just _happened_ to be in the same spot. Naturally, Yoshi didn't tell them and naturally, Yoshi ate it having the constitution of, well, a thing with a very strong constitution.)

Another strange thing happened when the brothers were stuck in a level because they forgot how to smash the blocks beneath them and so time was running out. Yoshi was screaming at them to do something because it was a timed death mission goddamnit it! Time was life and life was coins! 100 coins equalled one life and 0 seconds meant the loss of a life. Simple equations, right?

What Yoshi didn't expect to happen that while Mario and Luigi were running about, holding a Key, thinking about important things such as getting more Cape Feathers, they were suddenly seized with that 0 second paralysis, a recognised disease in the Mushroom Kingdom, and dropped right into the keyhole beneath them and managed to exit the level! They didn't even lose a life! Obviously Bowser didn't see that one coming. Neither did Bowser predict the Mario Bros. somehow defeating Ludwig, Roy and Morton Jr. with two fireballs and a jump at the same time. Talk about humiliating. Even the other Koopalings who had been shoved into lava and such laughed at their siblings. They had been OWNED!

So yeah, odd things had happened. But right now, Yoshi was content even if Mario did hit him on the head when he wanted him to swallow something. Then again, it had an amazing effect on increasing Yoshi's powers of observation and focus. And strangely enough, it made his taste buds even more powerful! Hey, any excuse. It didn't matter. Yoshi was fine in any case.

"STOP!" two mysterious voices called out. "We have caught wind of your vile acts of cruelty towards innocent creatures and we shall put an end to it right now and may the stars have mercy on your souls!" Mario and Luigi blanched.

"Oh, no, not the PETA…" Mario groaned. Since Super Mario World was before Super Mario 3D Land, in terms of release anyway, Mario had not yet suffered the delights of having his torturous trial at the hands of the shady Toads. But here they were, shady Toads #1 and #2!

"Yes!" Toad #1 called out. "You, sir, have been using this Yoshi in a most heinous and grave manner that we of the PETA shall simply not tolerate! Hitting him on the head like that! For shame!"

"Actually, I'm fine with all this," Yoshi mumbled.

"Stockholm Syndrome." The Toads shook their heads sadly. "For shame, vile criminal scum!"

"Er, not to put too fine a point on it," said Luigi. "But how come you have only just come out now to tell us what bad people we are? We're nearly at the end of our quest and you didn't exactly pull Mario over for causing tie-wearing gorillas to fall off scaffolding or slap us with a ban or something for hitting the underparts of turtles, crabs and some weird fly thing."

"Aha!" the Toads screamed. "So you've been monkeying about with a gorilla and making the crabs feel crabby have you?!"

"I'm sure glad I didn't say or write that pun…" Luigi muttered.

"Never mind that! They're gonna kill us!" Mario yelled. "Run like the wind, Yoshi!"

It didn't matter how fast Yoshi ran, or how fast the Mario Bros. ran when Yoshi mysteriously vanished to either that Great Food Island in the Sky or a question block yet again, the shady Toads were always following them. And watching them. Just watching. In shady ways.

"You can run, but you can't hide," the Toads reminded them as Mario and Luigi dashed as fast as was humanely possible. If these two Toads were good at tracking down the heroic brothers, then surely they would be good enough to actually, say, protect Peach from being kidnapped all the time! Ha, as if that was going to happen.

They followed, even when the bros. were able to catch an everlasting cloud ride merely by throwing a fireball at the Lakitu and collecting its coin before leaping into the smiley cloud that didn't recognise its old owner had mysteriously been scorched to death. This, of course, was only fuel to the shady Toads' terrible anger.

"You will pay for this!" the Toads seethed.

"What? 5 Coins for Rent-A-Cloud?" Mario asked. "Hey, you two just stole clouds too!"

"Two's company, three's a cloud," the Toads answered back. The brothers groaned. "And we shall stop at nothing to get a hold of wrongdoers such as you."

"Mamma mia!" Mario whimpered. "There must be a way of getting of these clowns…"

"We are not clowns! Although we are fun guys!"

"And I need a way now," Mario added.

"The clock's ticking," Luigi moaned. "How does this thing even time how long we're taking? Why should we die if we happen to take a bit longer on a stretch of land that the inhabitants don't even class as levels? Shouldn't they die under that relentless, hidden clock?"

"Don't ask me," Yoshi remarked, having hitched a ride on the cloud. "All I know is that I seem to die when I'm with you guys!"

"Wait. That gives me a great idea!" Luigi cried out.

"Suicide pact?" Mario and Yoshi offered. Luigi gritted his teeth. His ideas were never appreciated, they just never were. His idea of kart racing had also been sniggered that. Karting was for kids. It would never catch on.

"Fortunately we've got capes so that's good. We've already got a Fire Flower in the item box so that's great. Yoshi, we also need your eating skills for this to work."

Yoshi was very happy. It was just as he thought: food always saved the day. Mushrooms had saved the Mario Bros. often enough hadn't they? "I'm your Yoshi, man!"

"Hurry up with the rest of the plan then, Luigi," Mario groaned with increasing fear. "The time's gonna run out!"

Luigi grinned. "That's exactly what we need it to do." The pair looked out at him as if he had gone insane, which, considering this was a land filled with death traps, spikes, Galoombas, American football-obsessed Chargin' Chucks and obese Sumo Bros, was rather likely. "Don't ask me how I know, I just do."

Mario and Yoshi shrugged. Then the trio turned with horror as the Toads finally caught up with them not even out of breath. Each of them pulled out a gun. A gun! Why, in a world full of Bullet Bills, Banzai Bills and Torpedo Guns, the idea of a gun was simply preposterous!

"Hand over the Yoshi and nobody gets hurt," Toad #1 stated calmly.

"Oi, I am sentient you know!" Yoshi cried, highly affronted. "And I am essential in this whole princess-saving quest."

"Perhaps if Red and Green had kept closer tabs on her, none of this would have happened," Toad #2 pointed out.

"That's not fair!" Mario protested. "We can't keep an eye on her 24/7. And besides, if she wasn't kidnapped, there would be a pretty short game." The Toads nodded in agreement before realising what they were agreeing to. They growled and pulled the guns up again. This was Serious Business after all.

"H-hey," Luigi stammered whilst keeping an eye on the time. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. That would ruin your image. And besides… uhhh… YOSHI, EAT THE FIRE FLOWER NOW!"

Just as the clock reached its last second, Yoshi snaffled the Fire Flower whole whilst the shady Toads belatedly realised that they had been short on time and were too late. They were struck with 0 second paralysis and screamed as they fell off the stage into that strange that no gamer be what of. Most peculiarly, the simple act of wearing capes while getting the resident dinosaur to eat a fire-breathing item had saved the Mario Bros. from that same fate.

"Whoa…" said Mario. "Well, I'm impressed."

"First time you've ever said that," Luigi grinned proudly.

"Yeah. And it will probably be the last time," said Mario shattering Luigi's confidence in one fell swoop. "Now let's get this show on the road and save the princess!"

Luigi glowered at Mario for approximately 5 seconds then laughed as Mario, thinking himself invincible from death, promptly fell down a bottomless pit and lost a life. Well, you win some; you lose some, as they say.

Those shady Toads though… they wouldn't be gone for long. The shady Toads are always lurking about. And they are always watching. Always watching...

They could be behind you now…

* * *

**Apologies to any PETA members out there by the way. The Toads are just highly exaggerated caricatures after all. At least, we assume so anyway. :)**


	35. Cat-astrophe!

**I'm loving Super Mario 3D World! Cats shall forever be awesome. It's nice to play as other characters but Luigi shall always be my favourite. On the levels where I hadn't got the gold flags yet, none of them were Luigi's. He already had all gold flags. :D **

**So anyway, this involves the Cat Dive Glitch (makes you faster), the slip-slidey, whatever-you-want-to-call-it glitch involving high speeds and game-breaking! Oh yes, and some rather... odd figures...**

* * *

**35: Cat-astrophe!**

Well, this was decidedly odd, Mario mused to himself as he wandered through the grass world of the Sprixie Kingdom. But it was a pleasant oddness. Not only was he on an adventure with his brother which was a good thing provided they didn't argue too much, but he was also on an adventure with Peach. Yes, Peach had not been kidnapped for once! They had been immensely surprised when Bowser popped out of that clear pipe not to kidnap Peach but instead to re-kidnap one of the Sprixie's they were now in the process of saving. Clearly Bowser was having a mid-life crisis.

Oh, yeah, mustn't forget Blue Toad either… whatever his name was. Yellow Toad was out of action after having taken a tumble down a bottomless pit apparently. Anyway, four of them on a grand adventure with their usual power-ups plus the awesomeness of the Super Bell! What could possibly go wrong?

"Luigi!" Mario growled for the fifth time some time later. "Either take the Cat Suit off or stop sniffing the catnip!" Well, Luigi was best-suited amongst them to don the Super Bell to transform into a cat being an excellent jumper and all that, but _come on._ And trust Luigi to have to inadvertently wander into a patch of catnip even as he tried to avoid it every single time.

"Haha, take the Cat Suit off," Luigi giggled. "That's almost like taking my birthday suit off, you know? Since it's not enough just to look like a cat but you've got to be _one_ with the cat. Hey, maybe we're just, like, figments of some crazy guy's imagination in an alternate universe, where we're not real and people see us as, maybe, video game characters or something like that. Maybe I've got fans in that alternate universe. Yeahhhh… that'll be real nice. Hey, Mario, what do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-tain!" Mario groaned: if Luigi was going to subject them to a hurricane of cat puns, then he better hope that cats landed on all four paws when thrown off a very high building.

"How come we don't get like that when we use the Super Bell?" Blue Toad wondered out loud as the group made their way across the savannah; setting fire to Clubbas, jumping on Piranha Plants, that sort of thing, whilst Luigi used the nearest tree as a scratching post. Mario and Peach shrugged: Luigi was probably more susceptible to possible side-effects than the rest of them.

Luigi suddenly paused with his tail upright: his cat senses were tingling. There was a rabbit nearby! It was a very fast rabbit but it would be no match for Cat Luigi! Especially as he had a trick up his green-spotted fur which was to dive to the ground, cancel the dive before actually hitting the ground, do the cat claw attack thing and repeating said moves to gain speed. The rabbit had been carrying a green star; it stood no chance.

"OK, how the hell did he do that?!" Blue Toad exclaimed. "He was faster than me and I'm the fastest one here! Hey, I've got to have some sort of skill to mark myself as different from you guys."

"Yeah, and look at me, Mr. Average," Mario grumbled. Blue Toad had speed (no comment on _that _one), Peach could float and Luigi could jump high. It reminded him of a dream he had one time except the Toad in that was the strong one and they used vegetables to defeat an evil guy named Wart. As you do.

"You? Average? I hardly think so, Mario," Peach smiled. "You've taken out things in your normal form that Star Spirits have been unable to even touch."

Mario grinned. "Hey, you're not so average yourself, Peach. At least you get out there and do something unlike most royals."

"Oh, please, I'm gonna be sick…" Blue Toad muttered.

At least Blue Toad had Luigi to distract him with his cat-related antics. At Trap Trick Tower, for example, where the flagpole stood, Luigi had jumped on the left side of the tower and tried returning to the ground with a Cat Dive only to get stuck in the floor. And back at the Koopa Troopa Cave, Luigi had helped them out earlier by getting a Koopa shell, going to the far left of a small cave and jumping on it to get a load of 1-Ups. It was amazing how the brothers were able to do that. They had been doing it since their early days of adventuring in fact and now it was considered a traditional thing to do around the beginning of an adventure and Bowser was none the wiser to this sneaky little trick. You could say the heroes had upped their game again.

Maybe it was because of Bowser doing his usual kidnap routine except with someone else for a change, but the Sprixie Kingdom seemed to have things going wrong in it. Blue Toad found this out the hard way when he was in small form in Snowball Park.

"Looks like Blue Toad's on a roll," Mario snickered as Blue Toad began sliding all over the place, stuck to a snowball screaming: "GET ME OFF THIS THING! MY BACKSIDE IS FREEZING!" If only he hadn't done a long jump onto it. Also, if he had eaten his Mushrooms, this never would have happened. "So long, eh, Toad?" he said when Blue Toad hit a wall with his snowball and zoomed straight out of bounds. It would have been a good idea if he had let go of the thing.

"What did you call me, Mario?" Blue Toad growled, annoyed at having lost a life. He put on a Tanooki suit for protection and warmth. Mario held up his hands. This word issue had happened with Bowser and Luigi as well.

"It's the accent," he sighed. Why did people mistake his entirely innocuous words for something else? It was truly annoying.

"CAPTAIN TOAD TO THE RESCUE!"

"Oh, hi Captain!" Blue Toad said enthusiastically. Captain Toad had saved him earlier from going too far out of bounds where he would probably have been stuck forever or suffered a very slow death or something. He was not just a Toad but he was _the_ Toad. He was a Super Toad. He was also on a mission for Mario concerning that of your utmost favourite Shady Toads. After all, they had been wearing Cat Suits and Tanooki Suits (and in Luigi's case, a Kitsune Suit). Things could get as ugly as Wario and Waluigi in drag if you ever wanted to imagine such a thing.

"No sign of them, Mario," he saluted. "I doubt they'll be able to catch up to you here!"

"I doubt our safety," Mario frowned. "At least we've not needed to use the White Tanooki Suit which grants us invincibility and I implore everyone to avoid using that item since that will definitely draw their attention to us even though it's not made out of a real Tanooki suit."

"Why are you telling us that, Mario?" Blue Toad frowned. "We already know about that."

"Exposition for the audience," Mario explained.

"Oh…. What audience?"

Captain Toad hushed them. His survival instincts had kicked in. Somebody was watching them. Luigi hissed slightly, still beholden to the glories of the Cat Suit. Mario tightened his fists. It was going to be one of those fight or flight situations again.

It was not the shady Toads this time. They were not even in this world. It was a giant army of Miis. And they planned to harvest their souls and turn them into stamps. Hell knew just what they were going to do with those stamps. Goombas, Clubbas, Pokeys had been turned into stamps and then put through the most humiliating of exercises in things known as 'posts'. One Clubba had, for example, been given a Troll face. Another talked about 'realistic Goombas' causing Mario to have hellish visions of 10-foot Goombas wearing trenchcoats and dancing in lifts. It reminded him of a certain film. There was but one action to take.

"Everybody run!" Captain Toad screamed. "Ladies and Toads first!"

Toad wasted no time in running. In fact, on the slippery ice, Toad was dashing and, to gain speed, crouching at the same time. He went so fast that he practically flew off the end of the ice and cut a massive chunk out of the area with only the Tanooki Suit to stop him from falling to his doom.

"Oi, wait for us!" Mario demanded as he and Peach decided that it was to put on the Cat Suit. Luigi, bless him, at least waited for them and cleared the path of enemies ahead. Then it was time to run like hell while the Mii Army chanted.

"**We'll be there at your races. We'll be there at your brawl. We'll be wherever you may be. You cannot defeat us all."**

"Oh, stars above!" Mario moaned. "They are everywhere! Where did these things come from? Why were they created? They'll be at our parties next!"

"**You can party all day, you can party all night. But we'll always make sure we'll be in your sight."**

"Damn," Mario muttered.

"H-hey!" Captain Toad puffed. "I might be able to get a sprint on but I still can't run very fast. And I can barely jump with this backpack- OH, GOD, NO! HAVE MERCY!"

It was too late. Captain Toad was buried underneath a pile of Miis, some who appeared to spin in midair, some moved in a very feline manner. He screamed as the very colour was forcibly sucked from his body, his skin, his very bones, as he was violently crushed into the frozen earth and forced out of his 3D form into that of a 2D form. Had Captain Toad survived this polygon-wrenching ordeal, never would he have been able to appreciate a 3D world again, as he was doomed to remain on a 2D plane forever. He was to become a source of amusement for others.

"**With these stamps we shall take over the world!"** the Mii Army laughed. They stared at our trembling heroes. **"You shall be next to contribute to our art."**

Mario, Luigi and Peach eventually caught up with Blue Toad. They all agreed that it would be wise to return to the relative safety of Mount Beanpole, reasoning that the Mii Army wouldn't bother returning to a place that the heroes themselves had already been. And besides, they had rushed through it before and forgot to pick up the Green Stars. Bowser and the rest of the Sprixies could wait.

"The Captain went down with dignity," Blue Toad said solemnly when he was told the news. "He shall forever be with us when it is time to go on an adventure."

"At least his suffering was not long," Peach said, trying not to cry.

"Right," Mario spoke. "We've all got our Cat Suits on." Luigi meowed in confirmation. Blue Toad changed into his and put the Tanooki Leaf in the store box. "And we've all got Tanooki Leaves in the store box. These two items will preserve our lives as long as we don't squander them. Alright? Then let's-a go…"

A sudden wind blew up from nowhere causing the trees to quiver and the dandelions to fly off their stems. All four of them gulped. The Mii Army had followed them. Some were carrying presents. No doubt they were full of torture devices.

The quartet ran as fast as was humanely possible. They climbed up the walls, scratched their way past Cat Goombas and just carried on making their way upwards. Peach glanced back the once and saw that one of those dear little Sprixie princesses had suffered the same fate as Captain Toad, forced to be rendered as ink forever. The Mii Army also carried styluses as weapons and some shiny pad thing as a shield. Truly they were terrifying.

They got to the very top of the mountain, hoping that the Mii Army wouldn't follow them there. They began climbing up the mountain as well.

There was only thing to do. They had to get down of the mountain very fast. They dropped their Tanooki Leaves at the mountain's edge and went into a Cat Dive. They dived straight into the Leaves thus transforming into Tanookis (and one Kitsune) and began to fly down very fast. Unfortunately, something very odd happened as they did so.

"Mamma mia!" Mario yelled as they went out of bounds in a very peculiar way. The entire level was somehow printed upon the far horizon in a stripped-down, blocky fashion. They could even see the same Cat Goomba enemies on it. And here they were floating in midair despite not doing anything to keep themselves afloat. "We've ended up in Glitch City!"

"Wah!" Peach wailed. "Why am I seeing so many images of myself?" As she floated about, more Peaches appeared behind her out of nowhere. Even the hills repeated themselves.

"If we were still wearing the Cat Suits," Luigi mused. "You could call us copycats. Or duplicats!"

"Luigi, shut up," Mario groaned.

"IF WE WERE STILL WEARING THE CAT SUITS, THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED!" Blue Toad screamed. Still, at least the Mii Army had been unable to follow them. They could hear their curses all the way from here even. "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ESCAPE?!"

"The answer shall be revealed in all due time," Mario replied cryptically. "All we need is a little patience and time will fly by before you know it."

"How long have we got?"

"About 250 seconds," Mario calculated.

Blue Toad sighed. "I suppose it could be worse."

"Uh, Mario," Luigi thought suddenly. "I know we're out of bounds and all that but you don't think we'll meet those Hell Valley Sky Tree people. Do you?"

Mario preferred not to answer but a voice did ring out in his head.

_It's always a distinct possibility…_

* * *

Rosalina sighed. She was expecting to meet some people and they were late. She could always play with the Lumas again she supposed. That was always a good distraction.

"YOU! YOU SHALL NOT USURP ME AGAIN!"

"Polaris," Roslaina said delicately. "We shall need to put up some more reinforcements."

How had the flower princess followed her here? Anyone would think she had not been represented enough when she had sports and parties and stuff. Rosalina hadn't been in a party yet. OK, so the flower princess had never been on an adventure and she had been kidnapped once while Rosalina had organised a role in an adventure, she had never been kidnapped and she was even going to take part in a very exclusive fighting tournament. Still, that was no call for jealousy, right?

"AND YOU CAN STAY AWAY FROM LUIGI AS WELL!"

Well, perhaps that was a call for jealousy. But Rosalina was going to fight her corner since many of the Lumas believed that she and Luigi should be together. Especially as the flower princess could deny it all she wanted, but she had well and truly been usurped by the Lady of the Stars, Rosalina.

* * *

**You shall never think about stamps in quite the same way again... GWAHAHAHA!**

**Regarding the Hell Valley Sky Tree figures, they're these really creepy things that seem to lurk in Super Mario Galaxy 2 and Super Mario 3D Land. Be afraid of them. Be very afraid...**


End file.
